Old Timers Wait for Eagles...and Beer

Omaha, NE -- Folks 50 and over patiently made their way into the arena for Eagles concert and beer. Knee and hip replacements and bladders were put to the test.

Area Woman Buys Icelandic Sweater from Bangladesh

Akyreyri, Iceland -- Area woman Auðbjörg Finnbogadóttir, 35, wanted a special present for boyfriend Arinbjörn. She had time to knit some socks. However, she had to cook Christmas dinner for her dad and brother, as her mom passed away this year. Not wanting to give just socks, she ended up buying a Icelandic-Norwegian looking sweater made in Bangladesh. It looks just fine on him. He is going ice fishing in it as we speak.

Dozens of Patriots Fail To Remove Black Man From White House

Washington, DC -- The first two days failed to accomplish the mission, when dozens of Tea Party activists, such as this group from Alabama, failed to remove Barack Obama from the White House, where he has been holed up for over four years.

"He's the leader of the free world. Not once has he pressed the button in that secret service brief case. And he didn't send our troops to Syria. All he does is tax us and keep Bundy off his land in Nevada due to some damn turtles. Well he did get rid of Bin Laden, maybe. But that was intelligence Bush set up."

John Kerry Threatened Procol Harum WIth US Action

ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia — Secretary of State John F. Kerry pledged US help and humanitarian aid.

“The kidnapping of hundreds of children by Procol Harum is an unconscionable crime,” Kerry said. “We will do everything possible to support the Nigerian government to return these young women to their homes and hold the perpetrators to justice.”

The 60's band has had to tour Africa in recent years due to lack of interest in the civilized world.

Conspiracy Theorist Freaked Out by Google

Boise, ID -- Area conspiracy theorist George Applegate, 52, gave up his smart phone and deleted all his Google accounts and Chrome. It came about because his phone told him it would take him 32 minutes to get home around the time he usually goes home. He never told it where home is.

"It's creepy. I have used the maps from time to time. Now I will use paper maps and then a hiker's GPS if I need additional map data. But I know all data from Google goes straight to the NSA."

Have you done anything illegal, or why are you so concerned?

"No, our group is totally honest Christians. So no, nothing, until we overthrow this atheist government. And that's legal too. It's in the constitution."

Tea Party Analysts: Government Hoarding Our Water

Arizona -- Jack Scott, Arizona Tea Party Grand Poobah, had a team working on this for several months. What they have discovered is astounding. The federal government is actually hoarding our water in several reservoirs out West.Party members plan immediate action.