Heritage Foundation Makes Thomas an Honorary Caucasian

Doing the best they could achieve, a team at Heritage Foundation looked for a way to change Clarence Thomas' driver's license to Caucasian on the ID part. It was not apparently leagal. So the team got everybody together and did the next best thing. For his 34 years on the Supreme Court and hard work on the conservative principles (burn coal and make muillionaires skip all tax), they named Clarence an honorary Caucasian. 

Clarence can now go abroad and enjoy the finest clubs and events where black people have never been seen. Clarence will receive the award on Friday. He said he is quite grateful for this honor. Now, he could use an upgrade on his motor home. Clarence will be retiring at the end of 2028 so that Trump (or probably Vance) can name a new judge for the court.

Trump Pitches Nobel Prize Effort to Troop 1231

With dwindling crowds at Trump events, President Trump made the trip to Davenport, Iowa to pictch his "I stopped eight wars" speech to a boy scout troop, Troop 1231, and their adult leaders.

The boys all agreed that Mr Trump has earned the prize and should get the prize as soon as possible. All 22 scouts will be sending a post card to the Nobel Committee requesting this very obvious slight toward Trump to be corrected. He is their hero!

Trump Bans Transgender Mice

With his speech at Fort Bragg and other things on the schedule all done, President asked his stuff to find more distractions to the bad news with ICE legistaltion and Epstein dominating the news. He does not watch Olympics, though he has looked at a few skaters once or twice in news clips. What about the mice, a staff memeber suggested. So it was. There will be no research of any sort, even privately funded, on transgender mice.

The executive order also applies to mice being trafficked across state lines, such as from a university to a university. Transgender mice soon are not there anymore.

Researchers working on transgenic mice were relieved that the president and his staff have completely misunderstood the term.

Trump orders Congress to go home for Capitol remodeling

With Congress conducting oversight and other useless things, the President decided this is the time to remodel The Capitol.

The order also includes a Ballroom to the Capitol, to be payed by Jeff Bezos. Trump is asking Congress to fund the government to 2027 when he will thank them in his State of the Union message.

"Go home, you are not needed!" said Trump. He did not take any questions.

You Do Not Need Insurance!

 

Donald Trump will give all Americans 2000 dollars for health "insurance." You just pay the doctor or dentist or pharmacy with that. You do not need the insurance companies.

It came to the President's attention that 20 million of the people that voted for him live in mobile homes. Another 20 million live in homes that have about the same value but also have the lot to go with it. 

As a gift to low income home owners Trump will give you another $1500 for home "insurance." You do not need to pay for home insurance to insurance companies! If the investigation finds that you yourself burned down that mobile home, you still get the money. And Trump will sign pardons for most arsonists, provided "your mother in law was not inside the trailer when you burned it."

Trump Pardons Hannibal Lecter

 President Trump has pardoned serial killer Hannibal Lecter.

When asked about what was next, Trump said he would be flown to Mar a Lago for dinner. "I was going to have some friends for dinner, but Hannibal will have some of my friends for dinner too."

On Veterans' Day, Trump Claims 538 Percent Approval

 

Summing up the tremendous changes he has achieved, Trump claimed that Joe Biden had 38% approval. He on the other hand has now after ten months a total of 538% approval.

Although Trump aced the Montreal IQ test, with a perfect score on the three animals...

...and with dozens of difficult questions after that, he seems to be a little misinformed about approval percentages. The staff member had just added the approvals for each month and was looking to get the average. Trump interrupted her:

"No, I like that number, 538 percent." 

So Trump released it to his press secretary.