Trump voter finds Democrat elitist

Kalamazoo, MI -- Area Trump voter Bill McCallum, 32, finds his Democrat neighbor Garrison Whitley to be a bit "big for his breeches". He means that Garrison is elitist, looking down his nose at Bill and his barely literate family.

"Garrison finds everything in books. He drives down to Battle Creek and buys the book, if his garage has a wasp nest he has to remove. Well, he might google that. But you get the idea. All he had to do was drive to the hardware and get the wasp spray that sprays 30 feet away."

You don't have books in your house?

"No, we have cable. And my wife got Hulu."

Your kids don't have school books?

"They are in middle school. I tell them to leave the books at school."

Garrison reads books to his kids. He has even read some to your kids when they were small, before Trump.

(blank looks)

So back to this election, books are what you are against? That is why Hillary can't help you?

"No, she can't help me, she is too....what was your word...elitist."

OK, then, that clears that up.

Enterprising Galilean Finds Niche Market

Galilea, ca. 30 AD -- Enterprising Galilean Moshe Joseph has been hanging out where Jesus and his followers preach and heal. 

After the famous entourage leaves, Moshe has been hanging out to sell coal tar products for those that did not have the nerve to be cured by miracles.

Asked about guarantees, Moshe explains: "If you are near death, go to Jesus. Otherwise, my coal tar remedies are more cost effective. You can take them home to your sick relatives. Or I can have them delivered. Money back one year guarantee. Some ailments need repeated application."

Trump Right Hand Taking over

Whenever Trump addresses groups or appears on TV, his right hand does a lot of the body language.

The right hand has shown more libertarian tendencies. It it the hand that wields power and is on a plan to wreck Federal Government. It has signed executive orders. The right hand is also the one that has grabbed the genitalia of women Trump had just met.

Trump's left hand on the other hand is the one he uses to tousle the hair of his offspring and the one he used to caress Melania when they still slept in the same bed.

Trumpeter needs only three riffs!

With keyboards producing many sounds, a lot of studio sessions are played by keyboard players. But if a session needs a more acoustic sound, such as a stand up bass and a jazz drummer, Doc Carson, trumpeter for 50 years, may get a gig.

For the snappier modern hits or pop songs, only three riff are needed by Doc. These short bits just go for a few bars. For a longer solo, Doc usually works on a variant of the song melody.

The riffs are:
1. The ta-ta-dat-ta-da-ta-ta-taa riff from Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash
2. The only slightly different riff from Message to You Rudy by The Specials
3. A slightly trickier riff Doc adapted from a Paul McCartney bass line. it has a bigger range of notes than the other riffs.

Doc has played these riffs in hundreds of sessions and only once did someone reject one as the "Johnny Cash riff."

Trump presidency producer urges switch to Survivor model

An unnamed producer of the TV extravaganza that is in fact masquerading as the Trump presidency has nodded approval to the next phase of the show. The Trump cabinet will move on to a Survivor type of format.

Cabinet members will be allowed to vote and there will be difficult tasks to perform. However, the cabinet shall never be entirely empty, as vacant seats will be filled from within the White House.

This change was brought about by a sort of boredom that is taking over the Trump "presidency" and the interest it holds to the general public. Trump base voters, like Duck Dynasty fans, are hanging on to his every word and drinking a lot of Bud Light. But the general public is no longer bringing in the advertising dollars and has drifted on to a sort of numbness on Trump and all things related to Washington DC.

"President" Trump acting like he has presidential powers

Washington -- Donald Trump, who signed a contract with a number of "news" websites and TV networks prior to the 2016 election has done a remarkable job acting as if he were the autocratic ruler of the free world. Things may get a little heated on the planet for a few months before the unqualified imposter is removed from office. Just this week he met with generals and gave sketchy news conferences where he hinted at some international action.

Trump handlers have been able to prevent a few of the worst disasters, but as the pretend president holds some actual powers, a missile or two were already launched to impress foreign leaders. According to the script, the hired reality show host was just supposed to have dinner with them. Touching and kissing the women leaders and wives of male leaders was supposed to help ratings. It rarely has worked out.

Mr Trump is better controlled on the golf course, where a handler is able to drive him around. A semi truck with a psychiatric clinic inside is standing by and the golf cart can be driven inside it any time that Trump needs treatment for his sociopathy and other unstable states.