Mug catastrophe!

Disaster! My mug is missing! We were only supposed to use Christmas mugs when there some 10 people in the house. Some person took MY MUG out of the cabinet and put hot drink in it, left it somewhere in the house and now the cup is missing. It is a plain Starbucks 16 oz mug. No fancy curved sides, a simple cylinder. It it does not turn up in two days, will need to get a new one.

Merry Christmas to our followers from Kari Report

We don't repost memes normally but this one was too good to pass up.

Trump Moves to Trump Tower, Cabinet to Fox News

Starting in June, when Barron goes on vacation, and Democrats are fully engaged in braking everything Trump proposes, Trump will move to Trump Tower again.

This will make it easier for him to transition to a life in New York. After he is convicted of financial fraud, he will be wearing an ankle monitor that allows him a few miles of movement. He will be visiting Fox News daily, as his Cabinet will move there. Each cabinet official gets a private office in the Fox building. The advantage here is that when each cabinet official is fired, they can be replaced from the Fox News staff. In Trump Tower, the President is not going to have a chief of staff, merely a scheduling secretary. He is interviewing some now, with applicants with big breasts in a pile of photos to leaf through. This is merely to impress foreign dignitaries visiting him in the tower.

They can work with their departments in DC by electronic means. The main challenge will be to put in secure lines to the DC offices and the White House.

Trump feels that the remaining two years of his presidency will be most easily handled from here. He has reserved three days each month to go over to the White House to "sign stuff." There won't be any legislation that he is going to sign anyway. Bob Mueller will have 15 minutes during each visit to interact with Trump.

Bezos preparing for end of the world

Concerned that Amazon stocks will crash sometime in the 2020s and life as we know it will end, Jeff Bezos has been making plans.

He has already built his survival bunker. The problem is to stock it, as Amazon and UPS will not be able to supply it after the stocks crash. And pretty much all of civilization crashes.

Now, he knows there needs to be water. There is a deep well with a pump nearby, but that would require electricity. So he also has a supply of buckets, hoses and water filters on hand. All rain water on the roof will be collected. He had Scott Adams and Charlie Daniels come by and give him some tips. Both stayed at the bunker while visiting. Bezos put up with their libertarian ranting while listening for actual tips. Two things came up with both men. What to do with the women in the bunker. They have to be given separate quarters, perhaps a separate bunker. Maybe with some cloth and leather on supply plus manual Singer sewing machines that you pedal with your feet. The solar panels of the bunker only provide enough electricity for the lights. The second tip was baked beans. Bezos ordered some right away. He has a secret  Amazon account under the name Frank Miller. Only the UPS delivery guy knows the beans are going to Bezos.  Here is the first supply of beans. He is testing it for 12 days in a row at his above ground residence. Then some preserved cranberries and apparently canned beets. You have to get your vitamins. And pills are unreliable. They leave out one or two vitamins at random.

Trump Practicing to be Schultz

After returning from Brazil, President Trump has been given a task by his lawyers. Trump will have to watch all the episodes of Hogan's Heroes where Schultz deploys his masterful strategy.

When faced with Mueller or any other part of the government, Trump will go a full Schultz response

I see nothing! I heard nothing!

Area Man Lives By Youtube

It's all there. Everything he needs. Jack Polanski no longer watches news or reads even on line news. Everything is in some Youtube channel. He might hear it on talk radio, not that socialist NPR, and then go right to Youtube to find out why Guatemalans are coming. It's Hillary's fault!

For instance, atheists are making pots to boil missionaries in and distributing them to primitive tribes:

Those are the engineers doing final checks on the pot.

Jordan Peterson has helped him with personal problems:

When life storms come by, happiness disappears.  You need his rules for life for success.

Caravans are approaching the Mexican border repeatedly, so we have to build the wall!

Global warming ...or cooling now in this decade...is caused by the sun cooling off. It does this all the time! It's natural. It's called the "grand solar minimum". It is going to last 400 years! Or is it 40? It's in the ice cores, the Maunder minimum! NASA and all those government people, before Trump, are wrong. We are going to see it by 2025. Little ice age coming.

If you change your own oil, nearly all car models have a simple procedure to zero the mileage on the meter for the oil change. It's the same rod you push to zero the miles between fillups.

Jack lives in Nevada (we are unable to give an exact location)  and gets some cold days. He works part time as an AC and heater repairman. If your heat pump blade gets ice on it, it tends to shake as the ice is never even. Shut down your heating and use a heat gun on the blades!

Keep it at least an inch from the metal grill.

You can also learn stuff you never knew on Youtube. Jack watched a video about cows grazing under power lines. The electromagnetic waves "do stuff in your brain" giving you anxiety. Jack lives in a trailer park with a high power line very close to it. He could move the trailer, but it is old and might fall apart. So he bought these devices to protect his brain:

Universe now only 13.7 years old

Scientists at Stanford University in Palo Alto calculated the age of the Universe again and noted that previous authors who got 13.7 Billion Years got some decimals wrong. It is only 13.7 years old. That places it at 2004. All of history now turns out to be just a glitch in the space-time continuum. All events prior to that are now placed in so called Christian Time, which goes back to about 4000 B.C.

No more foreign units! Trump pulls out of Meter Convention

President Trump has an instinct for Science. When he heard of the new kilogram standard, based on Planck's constant, it was instantly clear to the president how that worked. "I'm very smart."

It immediately dawned on Trump that "we can pull out of the Meter Convention" signed in 1875 in Paris. The standard weight is kept there. The kilogram has been very unfair to the United States. "We are going to pull out and use our own weights and measures. The consumer side will all be gallons and miles and only the science folks will rely on standards at NIST, which are all ours now. We don't need that Paris kilogram or copies of it."

NIST, the National Institute of Standards and Technology falls under the Department of Commerce and thus Trump.

As a first step, Trump wants all his cans of Diet Coke to have the 222mL part covered up by tape, leaving only 7.5 oz in view.

And what about Planck? It related to energy and photons, which do not have weight. Trump will leave that to the science folks. He does not want to regulate their work too much.

In July 2017, the NIST measured the Planck constant using its Kibbe balance instrument with an uncertainty of only 13 parts per billion, obtaining a value of 6.626069934(89)×10⁻³⁴ J⋅s. It can also be expressed in useful units, the J⋅s is equal to kg⋅m²⋅s<sup>−1

Trump is sure they can extract that kg out of there. "They showed me a video of their fancy new scale. It was like watching Star Trek." Kilograms, he knows, can be converted to pounds. "You multiply the kilograms by 2.20462. Even I can do it."  Trump pulled out his phone to show that it had a calculator.</sup>

Trump tries to vote three times

With Democrats voting in disguise (it was on Fox News so it must be true), President himself tried to vote three times in his district. He had fake ID's in the names of Jose Gonzales and Igor Kozinsky. It seems not to have worked.

Neither one of these worked, mainly because both IDs had addresses in Texas. But there is a bigger story! When Trump loses the 2020 election, it will clearly be from hordes of foreigners from the Caravan. Which will finally have arrived in the US by then. If they march all the way to an East Coast state, they will all vote for Democrats. Because the Democrats and Soros especially pay for them to vote.

Trump Hires Jimmy McGill as Deputy Attorney General

With Sessions out of the way, President Trump has to now reform the whole Justice department and get it approved by Congress. With acting AG Whitaker in place, he has some weeks to act before Congress gets to work. Trump had an idea: Matthew Whitaker and Jimmy McGill, "this is my dream team!"

McGill has experience with criminals of all sorts. Now he can be the force behind firing Mueller and keeping Trump in power. The only problem was finding McGill and then pardoning him of all criminal charges.

FBI located McGill in Omaha, running a Cinnabon store in an area mall food court. McGill has been flown to Washington and will be sworn in Friday as acting Deputy Attorney General.

Rod Rosenstein, whom McGill replaces, has been placed on administrative leave until past the 2020 elections. He is free to take full retirement at any time.

Salt Lake City out of Salt

Salt Lake City, UT-- Snow crews out of salt


This Tuesday snow and ice crews at the department of transportation ran out of salt. It appears that the workers at the salt processing plant all have the flu. Struggling to make paychecks by Friday, plant manager Ed Fallon sold all the salt on hand to out of state buyers. "This happens every few years," stated road crew foreman Bradley White. I'll just send four guys and two pick ups to the salt flats with shovels. We only had a little bit of ice this week on hills. We can also use some sand."

Caravan now headed to work at Trump Hotels and Mar-a-Lago

The horde of violent immigrants turned out to be women seeking jobs with Trump.

With the temporary AG in charge of visas, all 4000 applicants to Trump Hotels will be given a 40H-2B visa and will be working at Trump Hotels and Mar-a-lago by the Christmas and New Year holidays.

Trump Voter already spent her $800

Darlene O'Conner got a tax cut from Trump. She likes tax cuts as she files taxes for a living in a strip mall in Wisconsin. But she already spent the 800 dollars. What happened?

"We went to a bunch of Trump rallies. I don't have work to do till the end of the tax quarter so I went on the road to Trump rallies! We're having fun making America great again! And safe, from Muslims and Mexicans."

"I think they are Hondurans," added her friend Midge.

"Whatever!"

They have apparently gone to five Trump rallies, which are free, but they had to pay hotels and gas.

"We pooled our Trump tax cuts and spent it all. We'll get some more next year and then we'll go to a whole bunch of rallies in 2020. Make America Great Again!"

It will be 2020 and by then Trump promised making America great. Won't it great by then?

"You liberals are trying to confuse us. We are having fun! Shut up and go back to Mexico!"

Trump wanted Hubble telescope focused on refugee caravan

Trump is obsessed with the caravan of people from Honduras and who knows where, Somalis and Muslims and terrorists of all sort! If he could just see them better! He also had a visit from NASA and had to sign some thing that was for a telescope bigger than the Hubble telescope. And the Hubble was cool, that Trump had to admit. And he had an idea. They were on their way out when Trump called one of them, Bill, that was the easiest to understand, to stay.

Bill: Something more?
Trump: What would it take to have a galaxy named after me? And some stars for my kids. Maybe a moon or asteroid after Melania and the grand-kids?
Bill: We don't do that sir, it's an international organization, like the UN. And they do not use people much.
Trump: I see. Well then I have this other idea. That Hubble, will it be scrapped?
Bill: No, it will still remain in use for 10 years or more. Why?
Trump: I want you to refocus it to look at the Caravan.

Bill: Caravan?
Trump: Yeah, some thousands of people from shithole countries going through Mexico to our border. I didn't have much luck with the Pentagon. They won't send troops. Something about peace keeping and civilians. They can't touch them till I declare the right kind of emergency.
Bill: This is going to be hard to explain in detail, but we would have to change all the parts inside. Can I come back tomorrow?
Trump: Sure.

Bill went to the hotel and then looked up toy stores and sports stores and took a cab to buy the supplies. The next day he returned.

Bill: So yes, Mr President, the parts inside the Hubble are built to focus on far away objects. I had some 12x50 binoculars brought in, but they are still x-raying them. But I also have a globe here. It's plastic and I have to blow it up to a sphere. It has a plastic stand. That window sill will work.
(blows into globe)
(staff brings the binoculars)
Bill: OK, so let's look out the window. Can we see a bit of the White House wall? Yes, I'll focus on that.
Trump: It's focused now? Let me see? Yeah, that's the wall. So what's the point here? I like science but I have to watch Fox soon.
Bill: OK, now, focus the binoculars on the globe. I'll turn Central America toward the front.
Trump: It's broken! It won't work! All I see a blurry blue thing! This is a joke!
Bill: We have various specs for binoculars. Field of view is marked here, it's how wide the view is in degrees. Not marked, but all binoculars are also rated for close focus. This powerful a handheld binocular does not focus under 20 feet. The focus knob will not do it. That is what allows it then to go all the way from 20 feet to infinity.
Trump: So what are you saying? You can't just fix the Hubble focus knob?
Bill: The Hubble just was not built to look at the earth.
Trump: What about the climate satellites? The ones that measure that fake global warming?
Bill: Not under me, that's in Alabama. But those satellites look at radiation from the earth in certain wavelengths. They do not use visible light.
Trump: So you have nothing for the Caravan?
Bill: No. You are stuck with the Pentagon.
Trump: Thank's for trying. You can take your ball with you.

Quit the shooting and the bombs, the election is about me, Donald Trump!

While spewing his hatred for the usual scapegoats and the press, Donald Trump blew his top at the Oval Office with a small number of staff present.

"Who do they think they are? The guy shooting the Jews and that pipe bomb guy! I am the one that will punish foreigners and keep jobs here and all that stuff. Leave it to me!"

Staff were silent.

"And the election is about me! Not Cruz, not Pence!"

More silence.

President Trump Will Give You Stuff

With real wages going down the entire time that people were getting jobs in 2017 and 2018 and health care not quite yet "repealed and replaced", the President and his advisers have decided to give you stuff!

What do you folks want?
Man: More 2020 hats.
Trump: You've got it. There are 300 boxes waiting at the exit gates.
Man: Healthcare!
Trump: You've got it. We will repeal and replace this week.
Man: Congress is not in session.
Trump: We'll do a resolution on Twitter and then when we have all the seats in the Senate, in late November.
Woman: Tax cuts. I had to spend the first 500 I got on health insurance.
Trump: You will all get 200 dollars tomorrow. I'll sign the order today.
Teenager: A rural hospital in Western Nebraska. I'm driving my grandma to chemo two hours every week cause I don't have a job and I have the time.
Trump: You've got it. I'll send a mobile army hospital and you can be there as grounds
keeper and in charge of disposal of body parts.
Young girl: Can you stop making fun of people? My mommy is mad and my dad voted for you and now they fight all the time cause dad is not making windmills anymore.
Trump: Why? Why is he not welding?
Mom: You cut the funds for wind power.
Trump:...

Trump has Ancestry done: he is 99% Aryan!

Not to be out done by Elizabeth Warren, and also to avoid paying her a million (he never pays anything until sued) and distracting with his own news, Trump has gone and had his DNA tested. He is 99% Aryan! There is 1% that is something else, maybe Spanish of Moorish. But only that much!

Trump to sign order to eliminate Red Knots and save fishing jobs

Mr Trump claims he is a bird lover. But he only likes resident birds that do not migrate to Mexico and come back to take worms from our robins. He stated all that last year:

Trump Join Audubon

Now it was brought to Trump's attention that environmentalists want to save Red Knots. These are migratory birds!

They just come by and feast on horseshoe crab eggs in Delaware and move on to nest in Canada. They are just foreigners without a visa.

The problem is that the knots need to eat horseshoe crab eggs from the beaches. Our fishermen have appealed to have their catch of the crabs raised to as many as they can handle. "There's unlimited crabs," says one lobster fisherman. Trump believes him. After all, what do biologists know?

"Now I do not eat lobster or crab", said Trump, "and they probably sell them to a lot of Democrat lawyers and politicians, but it's a business. I support the lobster fishermen." Trump refuses to eat the cockroaches of the sea, but is quite flexible with sitting at a table where other good citizens eat them.

The fishermen catch the adult crabs

and then cut them up to use as bait in lobster traps.

If the horseshoe crab population is reduced further, the red knot population will starve on their way to Canada. There is no optional rest stop for them along the coast.

Brett Kavanaugh gets a supply of whiskey

Judge Brett Kavaunaugh was thinking he should do something for the people in the Senate that were nice to him, as opposed to those disgusting Democrats that Hillary is still somehow running. Maybe some bottles of whiskey? But then the deliveries started coming. There were 50 bottles, either Jack Daniels

or assorted Scottish whiskeys. Each one was a gift from a senator. They had identical cards, all with "Thank you Brett" and a first name signature.

Brett opened one bottle of Jack Daniels from the plain set (there were some more expensive ones as well) and had a few shots, to help him figure this out. Were they all relieved to have Trump off their back now? A few must be running in the November election but not all, that never happens. The solution to the puzzle was not clear at this point, but he concluded it was something to do with Trump in any case. There was also a voice mail from the absent Iowa senator, who said he had a gift in his office for Brett. The 51st bottle.

There are over 40 Republican senators not running this year. A handful are running. Maybe there are some issues in the next 2020 election? He must do his best to help these senators in every election.

Brett Kavanaugh has a note from his Mom!

Supreme court justice candidate Brett Kavanaugh was leafing through his famous calendar,

when a piece of paper fell out. It was a note from his mom to somebody. It seems to give him a perfect alibi for the whole summer:

Now all he has to do is bring this to the attention of the FBI. The disgusting Democrats might still go after him in 2019. His mom was very brave to write the note, but of course it was in 1982. Now Brett is a little worried. If they impeach him later and interrogate his mom, the Clintons might make her "disappear," like they have done to so many others.

Democrats may seize on the wording, though. How did mom know in 1982 to address a note to the FBI?

Trump still an asshole

We are in the process of approving or dumping Judge Brett Kavanaugh. President Trump felt he could use this process and the people involved as stand up routine material for his Mississippi rally.

Well, Trump, you still have your supporters. I think I know what they are after. One, to punish us liberals. Two, to end abortion, or chip away at it little by little. But you no longer represent most of the USA. Libertarians are not happy with intrusions into privacy, independents do not have the attention span past 2 years, and really, your shtick has become old. You are a one trick pony.

Dozens of Men Claim They Were the Man Christine Ford Escaped From at Party

"It was just a party, it was just rough play!" and "It was me, I was the man in the room!" claim dozens of Brett Kavanaugh high school class mates. Some of them may have been in this basketball team.

Each of the men tell the same story: "I was at that party, so was Brett. He stayed downstairs. I found the girl going upstairs and I went after her. There was some rough housing. There might have been two of us in the room. But I remember that girl well!"

Each man says he had been drinking beer, from three to five bottles as the story goes. "I don't remember it that well. Except that Brett stayed downstairs."

To beat Trump tariffs, Chinese now using common earths to make cell phones

Faced with trump tariffs and lesser sales in smart phones, the Chinese cell phone industry has come up with a strategy.

Instead of indium, lanthanium and yttrium, the cell phone makers will now use common earth elements for the devices.

"What's in the new phones?"

"There might be some rare earths, as we just scoop up whatever was in the gravel pit behind the factory that we used as waste pond before. Some rare earths went in there. We think uranium will be a glowing success, but we suspect a lot of it is just silicon dioxide and calcium, you know from the hard water."

McConnel says there is no proof that Kavanaugh has a penis

Taking time off from Judge Kavanaugh hearings, Mitch McConnel pointed out some facts relating to his candidate.

"The accusations against Judge Kavanaugh are baseless. There is no evidence that he has a penis, whether it looks like a Mario Cart character or not. He is accused of rape in his college days. Well, prove that he has a penis! A penis is no longer needed for reproduction. They can do stuff in a petri dish."

Kavanaugh refused comment on the penis issue. He may or may not have one, it is entirely his secret.

American President turns out to be an Asshole

Journalists have been analyzing the president's tweets for the past year, and the shocking truth is that not only is he a Republican, he has been an Asshole his entire life! Only Fox journalists softened their label to " a big bullshitter."

TV Remote back to hard work for Football Season

Boulder CO -- Area TV Remote, let's call him Al, has been put to work after the gentle punching of volume settings and Source selections required for watching Netflix shows all summer.

Colorado graduate student Hal is quite the football fan. Just two weeks into the season his team is in Nebraska for the current game. Hal could not drive there as he has some lectures to give to undergraduates in physics on Monday that he needs to work on.

His room mates are somewhere else, so it's just him and Al. Hal and Al today!

It went OK for one quarter, but then the slamming on the coffee table (Ikea) started. Ouch!

"I really don't need to be abused so hard that the batteries fall out at least once in a game," remarked Al.

Then it went worse and worse for the second quarter:

At press time Al had gone to survival mode. Last year at this point Al begged one of the room mates to change fresh batteries and tape the plastic door shut for some control into his chaotic life.