Trump Practicing to be Schultz

After returning from Brazil, President Trump has been given a task by his lawyers. Trump will have to watch all the episodes of Hogan's Heroes where Schultz deploys his masterful strategy.

When faced with Mueller or any other part of the government, Trump will go a full Schultz response

I see nothing! I heard nothing!

Area Man Lives By Youtube

It's all there. Everything he needs. Jack Polanski no longer watches news or reads even on line news. Everything is in some Youtube channel. He might hear it on talk radio, not that socialist NPR, and then go right to Youtube to find out why Guatemalans are coming. It's Hillary's fault!

For instance, atheists are making pots to boil missionaries in and distributing them to primitive tribes:

Those are the engineers doing final checks on the pot.

Jordan Peterson has helped him with personal problems:

When life storms come by, happiness disappears.  You need his rules for life for success.

Caravans are approaching the Mexican border repeatedly, so we have to build the wall!

Global warming ...or cooling now in this decade...is caused by the sun cooling off. It does this all the time! It's natural. It's called the "grand solar minimum". It is going to last 400 years! Or is it 40? It's in the ice cores, the Maunder minimum! NASA and all those government people, before Trump, are wrong. We are going to see it by 2025. Little ice age coming.

If you change your own oil, nearly all car models have a simple procedure to zero the mileage on the meter for the oil change. It's the same rod you push to zero the miles between fillups.

Jack lives in Nevada (we are unable to give an exact location)  and gets some cold days. He works part time as an AC and heater repairman. If your heat pump blade gets ice on it, it tends to shake as the ice is never even. Shut down your heating and use a heat gun on the blades!

Keep it at least an inch from the metal grill.

You can also learn stuff you never knew on Youtube. Jack watched a video about cows grazing under power lines. The electromagnetic waves "do stuff in your brain" giving you anxiety. Jack lives in a trailer park with a high power line very close to it. He could move the trailer, but it is old and might fall apart. So he bought these devices to protect his brain:

Universe now only 13.7 years old

Scientists at Stanford University in Palo Alto calculated the age of the Universe again and noted that previous authors who got 13.7 Billion Years got some decimals wrong. It is only 13.7 years old. That places it at 2004. All of history now turns out to be just a glitch in the space-time continuum. All events prior to that are now placed in so called Christian Time, which goes back to about 4000 B.C.

No more foreign units! Trump pulls out of Meter Convention

President Trump has an instinct for Science. When he heard of the new kilogram standard, based on Planck's constant, it was instantly clear to the president how that worked. "I'm very smart."

It immediately dawned on Trump that "we can pull out of the Meter Convention" signed in 1875 in Paris. The standard weight is kept there. The kilogram has been very unfair to the United States. "We are going to pull out and use our own weights and measures. The consumer side will all be gallons and miles and only the science folks will rely on standards at NIST, which are all ours now. We don't need that Paris kilogram or copies of it."

NIST, the National Institute of Standards and Technology falls under the Department of Commerce and thus Trump.

As a first step, Trump wants all his cans of Diet Coke to have the 222mL part covered up by tape, leaving only 7.5 oz in view.

And what about Planck? It related to energy and photons, which do not have weight. Trump will leave that to the science folks. He does not want to regulate their work too much.

In July 2017, the NIST measured the Planck constant using its Kibbe balance instrument with an uncertainty of only 13 parts per billion, obtaining a value of 6.626069934(89)×10⁻³⁴ J⋅s. It can also be expressed in useful units, the J⋅s is equal to kg⋅m²⋅s<sup>−1

Trump is sure they can extract that kg out of there. "They showed me a video of their fancy new scale. It was like watching Star Trek." Kilograms, he knows, can be converted to pounds. "You multiply the kilograms by 2.20462. Even I can do it."  Trump pulled out his phone to show that it had a calculator.</sup>

Trump tries to vote three times

With Democrats voting in disguise (it was on Fox News so it must be true), President himself tried to vote three times in his district. He had fake ID's in the names of Jose Gonzales and Igor Kozinsky. It seems not to have worked.

Neither one of these worked, mainly because both IDs had addresses in Texas. But there is a bigger story! When Trump loses the 2020 election, it will clearly be from hordes of foreigners from the Caravan. Which will finally have arrived in the US by then. If they march all the way to an East Coast state, they will all vote for Democrats. Because the Democrats and Soros especially pay for them to vote.

Trump Hires Jimmy McGill as Deputy Attorney General

With Sessions out of the way, President Trump has to now reform the whole Justice department and get it approved by Congress. With acting AG Whitaker in place, he has some weeks to act before Congress gets to work. Trump had an idea: Matthew Whitaker and Jimmy McGill, "this is my dream team!"

McGill has experience with criminals of all sorts. Now he can be the force behind firing Mueller and keeping Trump in power. The only problem was finding McGill and then pardoning him of all criminal charges.

FBI located McGill in Omaha, running a Cinnabon store in an area mall food court. McGill has been flown to Washington and will be sworn in Friday as acting Deputy Attorney General.

Rod Rosenstein, whom McGill replaces, has been placed on administrative leave until past the 2020 elections. He is free to take full retirement at any time.

Salt Lake City out of Salt

Salt Lake City, UT-- Snow crews out of salt


This Tuesday snow and ice crews at the department of transportation ran out of salt. It appears that the workers at the salt processing plant all have the flu. Struggling to make paychecks by Friday, plant manager Ed Fallon sold all the salt on hand to out of state buyers. "This happens every few years," stated road crew foreman Bradley White. I'll just send four guys and two pick ups to the salt flats with shovels. We only had a little bit of ice this week on hills. We can also use some sand."

Caravan now headed to work at Trump Hotels and Mar-a-Lago

The horde of violent immigrants turned out to be women seeking jobs with Trump.

With the temporary AG in charge of visas, all 4000 applicants to Trump Hotels will be given a 40H-2B visa and will be working at Trump Hotels and Mar-a-lago by the Christmas and New Year holidays.

Trump Voter already spent her $800

Darlene O'Conner got a tax cut from Trump. She likes tax cuts as she files taxes for a living in a strip mall in Wisconsin. But she already spent the 800 dollars. What happened?

"We went to a bunch of Trump rallies. I don't have work to do till the end of the tax quarter so I went on the road to Trump rallies! We're having fun making America great again! And safe, from Muslims and Mexicans."

"I think they are Hondurans," added her friend Midge.

"Whatever!"

They have apparently gone to five Trump rallies, which are free, but they had to pay hotels and gas.

"We pooled our Trump tax cuts and spent it all. We'll get some more next year and then we'll go to a whole bunch of rallies in 2020. Make America Great Again!"

It will be 2020 and by then Trump promised making America great. Won't it great by then?

"You liberals are trying to confuse us. We are having fun! Shut up and go back to Mexico!"

Trump wanted Hubble telescope focused on refugee caravan

Trump is obsessed with the caravan of people from Honduras and who knows where, Somalis and Muslims and terrorists of all sort! If he could just see them better! He also had a visit from NASA and had to sign some thing that was for a telescope bigger than the Hubble telescope. And the Hubble was cool, that Trump had to admit. And he had an idea. They were on their way out when Trump called one of them, Bill, that was the easiest to understand, to stay.

Bill: Something more?
Trump: What would it take to have a galaxy named after me? And some stars for my kids. Maybe a moon or asteroid after Melania and the grand-kids?
Bill: We don't do that sir, it's an international organization, like the UN. And they do not use people much.
Trump: I see. Well then I have this other idea. That Hubble, will it be scrapped?
Bill: No, it will still remain in use for 10 years or more. Why?
Trump: I want you to refocus it to look at the Caravan.

Bill: Caravan?
Trump: Yeah, some thousands of people from shithole countries going through Mexico to our border. I didn't have much luck with the Pentagon. They won't send troops. Something about peace keeping and civilians. They can't touch them till I declare the right kind of emergency.
Bill: This is going to be hard to explain in detail, but we would have to change all the parts inside. Can I come back tomorrow?
Trump: Sure.

Bill went to the hotel and then looked up toy stores and sports stores and took a cab to buy the supplies. The next day he returned.

Bill: So yes, Mr President, the parts inside the Hubble are built to focus on far away objects. I had some 12x50 binoculars brought in, but they are still x-raying them. But I also have a globe here. It's plastic and I have to blow it up to a sphere. It has a plastic stand. That window sill will work.
(blows into globe)
(staff brings the binoculars)
Bill: OK, so let's look out the window. Can we see a bit of the White House wall? Yes, I'll focus on that.
Trump: It's focused now? Let me see? Yeah, that's the wall. So what's the point here? I like science but I have to watch Fox soon.
Bill: OK, now, focus the binoculars on the globe. I'll turn Central America toward the front.
Trump: It's broken! It won't work! All I see a blurry blue thing! This is a joke!
Bill: We have various specs for binoculars. Field of view is marked here, it's how wide the view is in degrees. Not marked, but all binoculars are also rated for close focus. This powerful a handheld binocular does not focus under 20 feet. The focus knob will not do it. That is what allows it then to go all the way from 20 feet to infinity.
Trump: So what are you saying? You can't just fix the Hubble focus knob?
Bill: The Hubble just was not built to look at the earth.
Trump: What about the climate satellites? The ones that measure that fake global warming?
Bill: Not under me, that's in Alabama. But those satellites look at radiation from the earth in certain wavelengths. They do not use visible light.
Trump: So you have nothing for the Caravan?
Bill: No. You are stuck with the Pentagon.
Trump: Thank's for trying. You can take your ball with you.