Kentucky Declares "Missionary" the state Official Copulation Conformation

Frankfort, KY -- Not to be outdone by Tennessee and their Official Book (Bible), lawmakers hastily passed a law making "face to face man on top" sex the official state copulation conformation. No votes against, two abstained, two absent.

Enterprising Man Sells Cures for Cheap and finds Niche Market

Galilea, ca. 30 AD -- Enterprising Galilean Moshe Joseph has been hanging out where Jesus and his followers preach and heal. 

After the famous entourage leaves, Moshe has been hanging out to sell coal tar products for those that did not have the nerve to be cured by miracles.

Asked about guarantees, Moshe explains: "If you are near death, go to Jesus. Otherwise, my coal tar remedies are more cost effective. You can take them home to your sick relatives. Or I can have them delivered. Money back one year guarantee. Some ailments need repeated application."  

Zenith Productions Auctions Morse Ventilator

London -- Unable to use the ventilator unit seen in numerous Inspector Morse episodes,

the UK based production company finally put the famous ventilator up for auction. It was used for all terminal patients in Morse episodes, other than Morse himself. Morse had to have a speaking part to the very end, and the ventilator tube does not allow an actor to speak. During the over ten years of production, the unit was also lent out to other production companies connected with BBC and ITV. 

Prop manager Ken Townsend states that it was a hospital reject, but still working when first used in the show. In the end "at least the moving parts and the screen still came to life. I don't think it pumped air anymore."

Republican Treasurer fighting Big Government

Kansas --Andy Stub, 48, has worked for the city for 25 years. Most recently as treasurer, he reduced his employees from 45 to 39 while increasing efficiency and introducing Bibilical morale. He eliminated phone lines and made many services just a pdf to be filled out at the county website. “You want to pay this tax or fee? There are the forms. If you don’t pay, I’m not going to come after you.”

Current Mayor Browning has proposed an expensive sports/entertainment arena and added bike trails. “We don’t need any of that. Attend your churches, they have plenty of room for social events. We just had a book sale at mine. I donated all my books to that.” As for bike trails. “they end without warning, sending arrogant bicyclists to block and hinder motor traffic at critical arteries.” He was particularly annoyed at Ed, his neighbor, who goes ding ding ding with his little bell at all possible spots. Especially when Andy is driving his red convertible.

As mayor, Stub will bring Big Government to its knees!

Wife Buys Creamy Oatmeal Again

Manhattan, KS -- Hank Beeler, 65, looked into the cabinet. There was one packet of maple syrup flavor, then a whole box of creamy, some peach or such, flavor. "Not creamy! Now I will just have to mix it with the one packet of regular." He has pointed out to Mary that even the variety pack is good, though he has to spread the regular flavor with the rest. Regular has no flavor. The store brand low sugar is OK too, it has no man made sweeteners, just lower sugar.

"What do I do with this box now? I can't give it away, since I took one packet and used it?" After reading the paper Hank planned to go to the store and buy five boxes."I'll just move Mary's assorted granola cereal boxes on the bottom shelf to make room."

Husband Noisiest Person On Planet

York, PA --Molly Harrison, 42, says that her husband Al (age approximately 50) is the noisiest person on the planet when he gets up in the morning to go work at the aluminum recycling plant at 5:30. He slams kitchen cabinets, drawers and the door to the garage. "He seems to be even noisier now that the kids have moved out. I bet the cave man was more quiet. All he had to do was go outside the cave and pee.He could sit there for a while and do whatever it is guys do Sunday mornings. I have no idea. I try to get back to sleep."

Area Christian Having Bad Week

Boston, MA -- Surrounded by urban liberals, area Christian Maggie O'Donnel is not happy. "My son started cross-country and now he is practicing with the gay boy from two doors down." The gay boy is not gay, only his father and the father's boy friend are. But Maggie has labeled them all gay, including the dog Buster. "They are making a mockery of my marriage. That boy has a a fancy car, what with two gay daddies having fancy computer jobs and all. My son is not riding to school in that car."

Maggie is home schooling the younger boys Matthew, Luke and John. Mark is at the same magnet high school the gay family boy, Josh, is at. "Those gays go to that atheist temple as well." She is referring to the Unitarian church.

"Also this week, they had the evolution junk in biology. Mark is going into computers, what does he need that biology junk for? Anyway, they teach that we come from slime, crawled onto to the land. I will have to have my pastor talk to Mark, he is no slime."

Maggie did buy, despite a shortage in cash, a short Intelligent Design book for Mark at Barnes and Noble (they have a good religion section), but says "Mark is not interested in frogs and stuff anyway, thank God."