Trump opens up the United States to endemic viruses

"We've had the economy slowed down long enough, so I have decided that we will be fully open for business on April 30th. In addition, this Chinese virus has grabbed the media long enough..."

"...so we are going to open up immediately for American diseases. Anything North of Panama is acceptable, not that Zika or malaria. We will bring in Rocky Mountain spotted fever, potato blight and a plague carried by prairie dogs. These are all American diseases. Perhaps even changas disease and dengue fever." Not all of these are viral diseases, but hey, it's all DNA and peptides, right? Unless it's RNA.  Trump thinks that by getting one of these diseases you will get immunity against other viruses like this corona. "I heard it's true. I heard it somewhere this week."

The president also encourages Americans to experiment with pellagra for a few months. "It's not bad, just for a few months. You get it from eating corn. I like corn, I don't like beans. I had to eat some on a visit to one of them Asian countries, maybe it was India. But I just like corn." The beans cause flatulence, and with a 250 pound man, who wants flatulence?