Trump to finish Coal Furnace project for White House

Washington -- The coal heating project started in 2008 with Cheney and Bush, Trump promises to bring not just the one but several coal furnaces on line to heat the entire White House.

Our original story from November of 2008:


Washington, DC-- President Bush, with a month left for major remodeling, decided to go with a plan by Dick Cheney and Senator McCain to convert the White House heating system to coal.

"We are doing this for security and energy independence reasons," noted Bush.

The three politicians will be helping remove the old heaters, using dangerous and flammable natural gas, along with five hired construction workers and heating specialist.

"Eventually, we can convert to radiators, but for now we will use coal to heat the private quarters of President Obama and all the water in the White House," explained Bush, reading from an index card. They found the plans at Hearth.com and immediately set to work without building permits. "The President does not need a building permit on White House grounds," explained Cheney.

Senator McCain has arranged for free coal from West Virginia for the next 50 years, with the White House only paying for transportation.

"President Obama can install his own solar panels if he wants to save on the hot water bill in spring and fall. We don't do any of that stuff, as we have unlimited coal in this country," added Cheney.

Trump Replaces EPA with Bill Henderson

Washington-- With the upcoming tax cuts and all the people whining about things like Medicare, trump decided to spare Medicare for two more years. But then, the EPA had to go to save on federal spending and reduce federal jobs by 50%. What better start than the EPA? The coal mines will be free to dump sludge anywhere.

Bill will be employed to survey the waters of the nation much further down stream. The fish kill should be more upstream so there is no need for a bacteriologist. Bill has all the theory of water safety memorized and could give a lecture at any time.

As equipment Bill will have a pH meter and a spare, as well a s pick up truck. It is doubtful he will get West of Kentucky as the job has a limited hotel budget. All the gas is paid as well as oil changes for the next four years. The truck is leased from Trump Leasing.

Trump Announces Medicare Overhaul

Washington, DC -- With the Obama era taxes soon gone, including payroll taxes directly supporting the program, the Autocrat has streamlined the services available.

"With drug store clinics available widely in many states including Florida, we have signed for them to take care of our seniors."

"We can't give you free care anymore, but after you pay your 50% at the convenient desk, the government will pay the rest without any paperwork. Hospital care is now outside Medicare and you will have to buy insurance."

Apostrophe Pete Funeral

Cincinnati OH -- Area postal worker and weekend sign painter Peter McIntosh, 64, died just after retiring from the postal service.

Pete was loved by neighbors and often made quick signs while customers waited. He made professional signs as well. He always put apostrophes in both plurals and possessives. "The people might miss them so I put them in," he always explained.

He would often not charge a fee, just point to the tip jar. The money all went to take care of "injured animal's at the shelter's" as he explained. His last dog died, but a sign remains at the apartment complex where he lived. The funeral will be Tuesday at the the Trump funeral home.

Traffic circle now paved

Germany-- Area traffic circle, formerly with some bushes and other plants, is now paved. The mayor is not paying for upkeep of any more traffic circles. "Let them go pick flowers in our lovely country side."

Presidential Debate to Take Place With No Mention of Penis and Vagina

Despite the fact that only one candidate has a penis and one a vagina, these topics had not come up in the first political debate between Trump and Clinton.

With recent accusations on both sides, these topics will no doubt be discussed. Both staffs are preparing material for the candidates to introduce in the debate that would hurt the moral character and image of the opponent without mentioning penis or vagina, not even with some sort of softer term replacing the naughty bits. Not even "genitalia" will be mentioned, even though the audience will clearly figure out the naughty acts behind the accusations.

New Girlfriend Makes Jason Watch Same Netflix as Old Girlfriend

Columbus, OH -- Area bachelor Jason, 28, is watching the same Netflix shows he had just finished watching with the old friend Jessica in the spring.

Pam is making him watch "crime shows, zombie shows, super heroes, sitcoms" every night. Unfortunately for Jason, he had finished most of them to the last episode available. For a week, all the shows have been reruns for Jason.

Pam's parents had watched West Wing, and Jason thought they could watch some of those. They are starting on that tomorrow. Pam's dad is cool guy, Jason hopes this one works out, "But you never know with chics." Pam has a cat Jason is now getting used to.