Trump bans muslin

President Trump wears a lot of blue suits. Many are made of natural fabrics, some wool. Two are polyester suits that he keeps for some reason in Scotland. The president feels strongly about wool.
 "We are going to import wool, mostly from Australia."

However, the President is now less happy about muslin. "What is muslin? I hear it comes from India. I was in a studio where they took some pictures of me. The curatains behind we were muslin. Why can't we just use American cotton for our large fabrics?" Asking to see a sample of muslin, the President handled it with his left hand briefly.

"I'm sorry, I don't even like the way it feels. Get rid of this."

Mr Trump proceeded to sign any executive orders needed to block muslin from coming into our country.

Office Worker Still Looking For Other Twix Bar From Monday

Cleveland,OH -- Mark O'Conner, customer specialist at Cleveland Mutual Trust, clearly remembers getting the Twix bars on Monday. The machine price went up to a dollar. So he ate one and put the other Twix bar in the wrapper in his desk.

He was still looking for the second bar today, Friday, as he could not remember eating it. Witnesses seem to have seen him with a Twix bar Thursday close to quitting time. Mark himself suspects Max from accounting, who routinely borrows quarters from his desk drawer.

Trump to tax Foreign Metal Bands 15%

Following Trump's complete ban of the band Foreigner performing in the USA last year, he has now moved to tax ALL foreign metal. This includes The Scorpions and most of Metallica.

The White House rock czar, to be named within a year, will scrutinize all bands.  Ted Nugent was offered the job, but turned it down when he heard he could not bring his AR-15 to the White House office building. The czar will require bands such as Metallica to present citizenship papers. If there are say 3 foreigners and 2 citizens, the band will be prorated to pay 3/5 of the 15% tax. The tax will affect record sales, downloads and concert tickets.

Trump having a field day with snake poem

A popular item during his 2016 campaign rallies, the president still likes to bring up the poem where he knows most of the audience are NRA members or Trump voters. The poem begins with the freezing snake outside. It convinces the woman to take him into her house. After the woman takes in the snake and revives it with “honey and some milk,” the snake delivers a fatal bite to her. The audience knows that the snake is “Muslims”, “democrats”, Mexicans or “liberals.”

‘Oh, shut up, silly woman!’ said the reptile with a grin. ‘You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in,’ continued Trump at his latest pro gun rally. He may or may not know it was a black singer from the 60s that made up the words.

Guns in the US

Don't use taxes, use Thoughts and Prayers!

A secret committee of Republicans including most Freedom Caucus members recently discovered the awful truth: Democrats, for generations have been using tax money to solve all manner of social problems. Even this Obamacare mess. This has gone on for generations. The budget is tight. There might be some 10% more available for prisons, but in general, it will be THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS at least for the remainder of Trump's first and only term.

These Trump voters, I get it now!

I was listening to some songs by my favorite band when I was a teen. Camper Van Beethoven. So there was this song about Reagan and nostalgia for that era. Like mike grandparents would have thought in 1949.

'Cause he's always living back in Dixon

Circa nineteen forty-nine

And we're all sitting at the fountain

At the five and dime

'Cause he's living in some B-movie

The lines they are so clearly drawn

In black and white life is so easy

And we're all coming along on this one

'Cause he's on a secret mission

Headquarters just radioed in

He left his baby at the dancehall

While the band plays on, some sweet song

And on a mission over China

The lady opens up her arms

The flowers bloom where you have placed them

And the lady smiles, just like mom

Angels' wings are icing over

McDonnell Douglas olive drab

They bear the names of our sweethearts

And the captain smiles, as we crash

'Cause in the mind of Ronald Reagan

Wheels they turn and gears they grind

Buildings collapse in slow motion

And trains collide, everything is fine

Everything is fine

Everything is fine

It makes perfect sense now. These white people in Michigan, when you could still get a good job at the car plant, have four kids, drive a station wagon to Disneyland once with them. The good stuff.  But boy, are they stupid. None of that is coming back. We can still fly to Disneyland or Disney World, but we have gun nuts, nuts of all sorts shooting people all over the place like that Orlando thing. And Los Angeles is full of homeless people if you go to Disneyland.