Trump wanted Hubble telescope focused on refugee caravan

Trump is obsessed with the caravan of people from Honduras and who knows where, Somalis and Muslims and terrorists of all sort! If he could just see them better! He also had a visit from NASA and had to sign some thing that was for a telescope bigger than the Hubble telescope. And the Hubble was cool, that Trump had to admit. And he had an idea. They were on their way out when Trump called one of them, Bill, that was the easiest to understand, to stay.

Bill: Something more?
Trump: What would it take to have a galaxy named after me? And some stars for my kids. Maybe a moon or asteroid after Melania and the grand-kids?
Bill: We don't do that sir, it's an international organization, like the UN. And they do not use people much.
Trump: I see. Well then I have this other idea. That Hubble, will it be scrapped?
Bill: No, it will still remain in use for 10 years or more. Why?
Trump: I want you to refocus it to look at the Caravan.

Bill: Caravan?
Trump: Yeah, some thousands of people from shithole countries going through Mexico to our border. I didn't have much luck with the Pentagon. They won't send troops. Something about peace keeping and civilians. They can't touch them till I declare the right kind of emergency.
Bill: This is going to be hard to explain in detail, but we would have to change all the parts inside. Can I come back tomorrow?
Trump: Sure.

Bill went to the hotel and then looked up toy stores and sports stores and took a cab to buy the supplies. The next day he returned.

Bill: So yes, Mr President, the parts inside the Hubble are built to focus on far away objects. I had some 12x50 binoculars brought in, but they are still x-raying them. But I also have a globe here. It's plastic and I have to blow it up to a sphere. It has a plastic stand. That window sill will work.
(blows into globe)
(staff brings the binoculars)
Bill: OK, so let's look out the window. Can we see a bit of the White House wall? Yes, I'll focus on that.
Trump: It's focused now? Let me see? Yeah, that's the wall. So what's the point here? I like science but I have to watch Fox soon.
Bill: OK, now, focus the binoculars on the globe. I'll turn Central America toward the front.
Trump: It's broken! It won't work! All I see a blurry blue thing! This is a joke!
Bill: We have various specs for binoculars. Field of view is marked here, it's how wide the view is in degrees. Not marked, but all binoculars are also rated for close focus. This powerful a handheld binocular does not focus under 20 feet. The focus knob will not do it. That is what allows it then to go all the way from 20 feet to infinity.
Trump: So what are you saying? You can't just fix the Hubble focus knob?
Bill: The Hubble just was not built to look at the earth.
Trump: What about the climate satellites? The ones that measure that fake global warming?
Bill: Not under me, that's in Alabama. But those satellites look at radiation from the earth in certain wavelengths. They do not use visible light.
Trump: So you have nothing for the Caravan?
Bill: No. You are stuck with the Pentagon.
Trump: Thank's for trying. You can take your ball with you.

Quit the shooting and the bombs, the election is about me, Donald Trump!

While spewing his hatred for the usual scapegoats and the press, Donald Trump blew his top at the Oval Office with a small number of staff present.

"Who do they think they are? The guy shooting the Jews and that pipe bomb guy! I am the one that will punish foreigners and keep jobs here and all that stuff. Leave it to me!"

Staff were silent.

"And the election is about me! Not Cruz, not Pence!"

More silence.

President Trump Will Give You Stuff

With real wages going down the entire time that people were getting jobs in 2017 and 2018 and health care not quite yet "repealed and replaced", the President and his advisers have decided to give you stuff!

What do you folks want?
Man: More 2020 hats.
Trump: You've got it. There are 300 boxes waiting at the exit gates.
Man: Healthcare!
Trump: You've got it. We will repeal and replace this week.
Man: Congress is not in session.
Trump: We'll do a resolution on Twitter and then when we have all the seats in the Senate, in late November.
Woman: Tax cuts. I had to spend the first 500 I got on health insurance.
Trump: You will all get 200 dollars tomorrow. I'll sign the order today.
Teenager: A rural hospital in Western Nebraska. I'm driving my grandma to chemo two hours every week cause I don't have a job and I have the time.
Trump: You've got it. I'll send a mobile army hospital and you can be there as grounds
keeper and in charge of disposal of body parts.
Young girl: Can you stop making fun of people? My mommy is mad and my dad voted for you and now they fight all the time cause dad is not making windmills anymore.
Trump: Why? Why is he not welding?
Mom: You cut the funds for wind power.
Trump:...

Trump has Ancestry done: he is 99% Aryan!

Not to be out done by Elizabeth Warren, and also to avoid paying her a million (he never pays anything until sued) and distracting with his own news, Trump has gone and had his DNA tested. He is 99% Aryan! There is 1% that is something else, maybe Spanish of Moorish. But only that much!

Trump to sign order to eliminate Red Knots and save fishing jobs

Mr Trump claims he is a bird lover. But he only likes resident birds that do not migrate to Mexico and come back to take worms from our robins. He stated all that last year:

Trump Join Audubon

Now it was brought to Trump's attention that environmentalists want to save Red Knots. These are migratory birds!

They just come by and feast on horseshoe crab eggs in Delaware and move on to nest in Canada. They are just foreigners without a visa.

The problem is that the knots need to eat horseshoe crab eggs from the beaches. Our fishermen have appealed to have their catch of the crabs raised to as many as they can handle. "There's unlimited crabs," says one lobster fisherman. Trump believes him. After all, what do biologists know?

"Now I do not eat lobster or crab", said Trump, "and they probably sell them to a lot of Democrat lawyers and politicians, but it's a business. I support the lobster fishermen." Trump refuses to eat the cockroaches of the sea, but is quite flexible with sitting at a table where other good citizens eat them.

The fishermen catch the adult crabs

and then cut them up to use as bait in lobster traps.

If the horseshoe crab population is reduced further, the red knot population will starve on their way to Canada. There is no optional rest stop for them along the coast.

Brett Kavanaugh gets a supply of whiskey

Judge Brett Kavaunaugh was thinking he should do something for the people in the Senate that were nice to him, as opposed to those disgusting Democrats that Hillary is still somehow running. Maybe some bottles of whiskey? But then the deliveries started coming. There were 50 bottles, either Jack Daniels

or assorted Scottish whiskeys. Each one was a gift from a senator. They had identical cards, all with "Thank you Brett" and a first name signature.

Brett opened one bottle of Jack Daniels from the plain set (there were some more expensive ones as well) and had a few shots, to help him figure this out. Were they all relieved to have Trump off their back now? A few must be running in the November election but not all, that never happens. The solution to the puzzle was not clear at this point, but he concluded it was something to do with Trump in any case. There was also a voice mail from the absent Iowa senator, who said he had a gift in his office for Brett. The 51st bottle.

There are over 40 Republican senators not running this year. A handful are running. Maybe there are some issues in the next 2020 election? He must do his best to help these senators in every election.

Brett Kavanaugh has a note from his Mom!

Supreme court justice candidate Brett Kavanaugh was leafing through his famous calendar,

when a piece of paper fell out. It was a note from his mom to somebody. It seems to give him a perfect alibi for the whole summer:

Now all he has to do is bring this to the attention of the FBI. The disgusting Democrats might still go after him in 2019. His mom was very brave to write the note, but of course it was in 1982. Now Brett is a little worried. If they impeach him later and interrogate his mom, the Clintons might make her "disappear," like they have done to so many others.

Democrats may seize on the wording, though. How did mom know in 1982 to address a note to the FBI?