Alito: Things Deeply Rooted in Our Nation's History and Tradition

There are a few things deeply rooted in tradition in the United States. But abortion is not. So says Samuel Alito.

Journalists caught up with Alito and asked him about several federal agencies.

Sir, do you think the EPA, in service for 50 years, is deeply rooted in our tradition?

Alito: No, the EPA is not deeply rooted in our nation's history and tradition. Their rules are rather arbitrary and not listed in a thorough piece of legislation.

The DEA?

Alito: No, the DEA is not deeply rooted in our nation's history and tradition.  There was no federal agency up to World War I and they got opiate to the troops as needed. It was not a problem we can't deal with at the state level. The government can buy its own morphine for the military.

The FDA?

Alito: That goes back to a 1939 law. It is somewhat rooted in our nation's history and tradition. But the commissioner has too much power for an unelected official. States can take care of these things. Not need to send the FDA to every little recall.

The Department of Education?

Alito: No, it is not deeply rooted in our nation's history and tradition.  And don't try to bring school shootings into this. States can control this by several means, such as doors.

The Department of Labor?

Alito:  The Department of Labor is not deeply rooted in our nation's history and tradition.

The Department of Transportation:

Alito: yes, the government can control that. The Commerce Clause.

Justices Alito and Thomas: Bring it on! We will eliminate regulation!

With the supreme court on a roll deleting old liberal practices, egregious practices like abortion and that horrible EPA, justices Alito and Thomas are ready to take on the federal government.

"With all these regulations and the US running out of oil for example, we really need to be flexible now. No more regulations." The pair invite those suffering from overregulation by the federal government to bring in cases." They will allow some regulation of commerce, the FBI, the FCC and a few other things, but in most cases "there is no justification of the egregious rules that stop enterprise." If those things, like pollution, need to be regulated on a local basis, the states can still do it. "It's in the constitution! All those rights go to the states."

Thomas and Alito will look at anything added after 1950 in particular. "The world was a much better place before that!"

Samuel Alito rules in favor of Phlogiston

 With the federal agency EPA attempting to regulate air, the Supreme Court had to take action. After careful analysis of the science of 1700s Europe and America, Alito has decided that carbon dioxide was not a THING then. Therefore it cannot be regulated. It is not in the Constitution.

Alito does not want to leave the EPA completely without work. The elements are still there: air, fire and water. In particular, there were also gases known in the 1700s. Alito will throw a bone in the direction of the EPA and tells them in his latest opinion draft that they are to work on PHLOGISTON from now on.

Book Store Guy in Baseball Cap was Scholar

 

Kansas City, MO -- Stopping by the local Barnes and Noble store to get some school books, Pam Tillson and daughter Amy were looking at a copy of Merchant of Venice. A guy in a baseball cap, looking much like the store's barista, was taking a lot of space in front of the Shakespeare shelf. When he noticed them, he immediately started to give advice on editions. Turned out he was Shakespeare scholar named Barry from Oxford or something. He spoke a perfect British accent and could recite long parts of the dialogue. Amy, 14, was very charmed, as was mom.

Barry was done browsing and moved outdoors to one of the bookstore doorways that was not in use.

Marjorie Taylor Greene wants baby food for Americans

 Joe Biden is giving baby food to foreigners! Those babies in detention centers.

And now, Biden has shipped baby formula from Europe. To the federal WIC program! Those are Joe's government babies! We want baby formula for real American babies, now!

Publisher denies wrongdoing!

New York, NY—Publisher denies wrongdoing. In the children’s book Porcupine’s Pajama Part by Terry Harshman, Mole prepares cookie dough, they eat it, place the remaining three cookies in the oven on page 27. Then they watch scary movies and on page 64, the three critters (including owl) go to bed together. Molly Hanson, 7, of Fairfield, OH, wrote in to alarm the publisher that “they never took the cookies out!” Molly offered to edit future books for a small salary.

Beatles archivists unearth another 3 second Beatles bit of recording

London, U.K.--Beatles archivists unearth another 3 seconds of studio noise. In the noise can be heard a cough, a mutter, a lone guitar chord and one snare drum beat. Experts place these items somewhere in the second album recording sessions, though they were on a later tape, spliced at the end. The cough is attributed to McCartney and the mutter, all experts agree, is Lennon. This is the 27,003th archived studio noise bit where all 4 Beatles are believed to be present.