Monday, June 18, 2018

Songwriter can’t stop loving her


Nashville, TN – Songwriter can’t stop loving her. Songwriter Earl “Mac” Davis had two cigarettes and three cups of coffee while watching CNN this morning, then went directly to write down words and chords to a melody in his head. The song practically wrote itself with no additional effort. Earl played around with the lyrics a bit, but then went with the verse and chorus as written, ending the chorus with “I can’t stop loving her”, which was also going to be the title. Earl’s friend Nathaniel met him for lunch soon after. Nathaniel heard Earl sing out the chorus, and liked the melody, which sounded original. He pointed out to Earl that his five last girl friends had no trouble ending the relationship with him. “It’s just a song, Nathaniel, I gotta make a living,” replied Earl. “Besides, she ain’t left yet.”

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Shocking truth from cell phones: Nobody at FBI likes Trump

Earlier in the year it was leaked out through a roundabout way that two FBI agents sent endless messages making fun of Trump. Now this finally got Trump thinking.


What if we collected all the FBI cell phones, all the ones not being used by field agents? So they did. Giuliani assigned a low paid team of interns to read every text and summarize each phone as anti-Trump, neutral or pro-Trump. Any slight joke or tweet comment or smart ass word against Trump was marked as an anti-Trump phone.



The results were remarkable. Employees that were known to be loyal, seeking to clear the president's name or otherwise working on Trump related issues were all found to be completely fair in their dealings with Trump as part of their job. Yet 100% of the phones were labeled anti-Trump. This ranged from calling him an imbecile to serious, real allegations of Trump misconduct to fellow FBI workers.

NOBODY LIKES TRUMP!

Giuliani scrambled to cover up the study and shred all paper copies he had carelessly passed out to senior staff before he read it himself. But of course it leaked out. The Trump White House always leaks out. The people are now using secret burner phones during the day and tweeting under false names. This takes about 15% of any work day at the White House.

The FBI were given new phones for free and the entire lot of phones collected were destroyed. Trump himself came to witness the destruction. It took some three Diet Cokes until the last of the phones was manually smashed.

Polls indicate some voters still like Trump. It appears that they like him in places that are far from the capitol. Leading groups of supporters include pig farmers in Iowa and ranchers in Montana. Then the entire West coast again hates Trump.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Cave Woman Always Said They Would



Southern France, 12500 BP -- After giving birth to 10 boys and two girls, area cave woman finally got her predicted disaster. "They have been running around with sticks as long as I remember. And they always had to sharpen the points with whatever flint their dad left lying around. Now one of them has put out the eye of the second youngest boy. I always said they would. I hope they learn from this."

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Town Ostracizes Mystery Writer




Cabot Cove ME -- Finally coming to their senses, the town of Cabot Cove , Maine, decided to cut off nearly all communications with the famous writer. The people she gets to know on a personal basis always get murdered.

The town will allow her to keep in touch with the local police. In the event of a murder, citizens will communicate with Jessica Fletcher strictly for the duration of the murder investigation.

Expecting couple reject key-chain-name.


Eureka, MO – Ross and Michelle McDaniel rejected their current favorite name for a daughter to be born in two weeks. They had just finished the afternoon at the local 6 Flags amusement park, where Ross’s employer, The Anderson Financial Group, had one picnic grove reserved for the annual company picnic. On their way out, they stopped at a Warner Brothers themed gift shop. Michelle was only looking for some nice baby clothes with colorful cartoon characters, when she saw the key-chain stand. "Ross honey, come right here", she said, holding up a key chain with the name Gabrielle on it. Ross was speechless, as they wanted an unusual name, such as Gabrielle. Previously, several months ago, Hannah and Abigail were rejected for the same reason. "We’ll think of something. I’m not approving Fiona or Bjork. We don’t even use umlauts here." Ross was unable to pronounce Bj√∂rk correctly.



Saturday, May 26, 2018

Prairie Chicken tactics on again



Having borrowed his strutting among world leaders from the behavior of grouse at leks, Trump will use his successful pushing out chest technique when the meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is agreed upon and a new date is set. Trump will pose with little Kim, towering over him in all photo-ops.


Sunday, May 20, 2018

Birds are singing in the rain, discovers Seattle Bird Dude

Area birder Bill has been staying hone in May and June when it rains. He did go out in the early part of the year with an Audubon group, but it was miserable to look for sea birds in the heavy rain.


He is a businessman, semiretired, and says he "does not know this biology and ecology stuff." Just now he is picking out the habitats of area song birds for nesting. "They quit singing when the eggs hatch, I think."

Bill has been carrying a smart phone with apps and spent three hours in rain listening to birds, pulling out the smart phone in gaps in the rain. "I also discovered nice Wellingtons and wool socks. I went to the store where the hunters go. That's where I upgraded from Nikons to Swarowskis too."

The big surprise was that "birds don't quit doing their bird stuff just cause it rains a little." Bill got both Willow and Alder flycatchers, pretty good for a second year birder. He is working on the other two Empidonax species, Pacific Slope and Cordilleran. He just has to go to Olympia national park for the first one.

"They go suweeat and pit-peet, but they both have a high thin peet as well."

We'll leave you to it Bill. Bill has discovered what many birders do: their spouse is just not quite into it so much. His wife likes waterfowl and cranes, which Bill showed her on a trip to Idaho. She does not care for any bugs at all, so the Pacific rain forest is out of the question for trips to bring her.