Saturday, January 24, 2015

Stunned Product Life Cycle Manager Gets Registration Card

Dallas, TX -- Area man Steve Lawrence, 29, got a shock Friday

when he received a product registration card for a LG Brand DVD-VHS player purchased from Target two years ago. The card was even more mysterious as the warranty on the product is only 90 days. The previous registration card was received by his predecessor in 2007 and is pinned to the bulletin board in the lunch room at the warehouse. Steve receives all recalled and returned products at this warehouse.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Roofer Buys Coffee Machine at Target

Newark, NJ -- Area roofer Isaac Newton, 32, finally got around to buying a new coffee machine after Mr. Coffee failed two weeks ago. "I get in the pick up and get Joe and on the way to the job, I and I stop at the local coffee drive through. Not Starbucks, it's operated by my Jamaican brother Malcolm." But the commute to job sites is sometimes long and difficult. The drive through takes time, what with Malcolm chatting with every customer. "I plan to drink coffee at home again and I will bring Joe his mug to drink in the truck." Isaac thinks the Black and Decker will work. "I am familiar with the name, we have some of their tools, though we use better drills if we need to drill." They apparently do some carpentry on the side.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Copy Machine Requires Project Code For Every Page

Minneapolis -- Workers at Minnesota Energy Solutions LLC have had to adjust to a new procedure this week. It now requires the five digit employee number, project code and personal password to make copies. The password must have a number and a capital. Employees tried to save a dummy code the first day, with the project as Copy Machine and the other codes saved on the machine. Accountants soon caught on to that and made the IS department add new security to the machine.

On Thursday they ran out of paper and tried to use the hole punched paper in the back closet. But the machine rejected that paper as not appropriate for most projects.

It also ran out of paper on printing out the accounting reports. Accountants resorted to distributing the report on burned DVDs.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tire Dealership Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Salem, MA -- The proprietors and mechanics of The Plaza Tire Service wish you a Merry Christmas from their hearts. This sincere wish was signed by Jim, Bart, Ray and Paul who hung up their
stockings in the waiting room. Hot chocolate with marshmallows and Folgers coffee is available all day every day. No purchase necessary.

Ray and Paul are bachelors who will spend their Christmas alone as usual. But they will cheerfully change your tire on Friday the 26th.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Expecting couple reject key-chain-name

Houston, TX-- 
Ross and Michelle McDaniel rejected their current favorite name for a daughter to be born in two weeks. They had just spent  the afternoon at a gaming and amusement center, where Ross’s employer, The Anderson Financial Group, had one large area reserved for the annual company holiday gathering. On their way out, they stopped at a Warner Brothers themed gift shop. Michelle was only looking for some nice baby clothes with colorful cartoon characters, when she saw the key-chain stand. "Ross honey, come right here", she said, holding up a key chain with the name Gabrielle on it. Ross was speechless, as they wanted an unusual name, such as Gabrielle. Previously, several months ago, Hannah and Abigail were rejected for the same reason. "We’ll think of something. I’m not approving Fiona or Bjork. We don’t even use umlauts here." Ross was unable to pronounce Bj√∂rk correctly.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Our People In Mud Homes Were More Developed Than Yours!

Museums in Ruthenia and Pottsylvania have declared war, each declaring themselves the mud home innovators. Both museums are opening exhibits about life in mud homes starting a thousand years ago, with the mud homes of the 1800s as the ultimate mud technology. The exhibits will both open on New Year's Day.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

English Major Edits Engineering Magazine

Washington, DC -- Happy to land his first real job, Mark Bolan, 25, starts Monday as editor of an Engineering magazine for professionals.

"There is an engineer editor as well, but they write in a really boring way. I can't wait to start. No more Hundred Years of Solitude or Great Expectations."