Thursday, March 23, 2017

Soccer Mom Buys All Sign Stuff from Target

Manchester, MO-- Area soccer mom Alice Long, 45, makes all her Trump protest signs with her kids. Well, except the one she made for her sister who is in college and did not have time to run to Target, The signs are turning out well.

Alice does all her shopping at Target anyway. That and Schnuck's for more groceries. But she would not get the supplies at Hobby Lobby anyway. "I used to work there. They would not pay for my birth control and accused me of not being a Christian."  She had her third and fourth daughters while not being on birth control. Then her husband got a better job that had actual insurance.

Here is the sign for her sister Beth:

Trump buys psychiatric hospital

With advice from family and friends, Trump is taking care of every possible future for himself. While he is picking up conspiracy theories from Alex Jones, he has come up with a few of his own. He has seen a man in a white coat following around at the white house and in Florida. Secret service told him it was the nurse on duty.

However, Trump thinks this is a psychiatrist who is "out to get him." If this were to happen, Trump has bought a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York. It has been emptied of patients but has a doctor and nurse on staff, plus a heavy guard.

Should the facility be called on to service, Trump would be the only patient there. A chef will be hired shortly.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Area Christian names child Luke

Boise, ID --Area Christian names child Luke.

Moses Schmidt, 48, father of Matthew (18), Mark (17), John(16), Rachel(15), Thea(13), Mary (11) and Tiffany (9) decided that their new child was the answer to his prayers for Luke, to complete the Gospel theme. The girl, Luke Catherine Schmidt, was baptized Sunday in a private ceremony at the Schmidt ranch.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Insurance Man Planning New Trump Era Plan

Healthy Person Insurance

Working for Atlantic Mutual, insurance agent Mark O'Connor has boldly entered the insurance market with his Light Insurance plan. This plan will cost 50 dollars a month. That's right, 50 dollars! You get one health check up with no lab work in a year. You also get one bottle of pills up to 50 dollars price. If it's 60, you pay 10 dollars. In addition you get two visits to Walgreens clinics and  one flu  vaccination. We have to take care of the sick and elderly after all! Healthcare in an emergency situations is covered as well. Both ER and hospital care is covered! You pay only the costs in those units that make up the deductible. At this price the deductible will be 100 000 dollars. No elective surgery, vasectomy or cancer treatment is available.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

New Trump Golf Course Near Yellowstone

Due to volcanic activity, Trump personal advisers persuaded him not to place a golf course right inside Yellowstone. "You can build a hotel just on the edge of Yellowstone later," he was told. The sons of Trump were asked to find a better location and file papers so that it can be started in 2020. Trump plans to devote most of his second term to golfing and planning this golf course getaway. The golf course will go right in the middle of the Grand Tetons, replacing the National Elk Refuge.

Trump has had his team lawyers read the Antiquities Act carefully, and it turns out he can do pretty much what he wants with public lands.  He is selling the elk refuge to himself. "We are doing it", said Trump to his sons.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Trump bans agencies from publishing "Bad Things"

Washington DC -- Donald Trump is taking care of the mess. The Obama mess. You just live your lives in your little towns or even Chicago.

Trump wants to hear happy things. He is going to have all his kids and grandkids over for Easter at the White House. Even the grown kids will look for Easter eggs.

As a result of this happy mood Trump signed an executive order. This one commands all federal offices and agencies to publish only HAPPY NEWS. No negative economics, no global warming, no data on gun deaths.

Actually, the last item is already law. Federal agencies cannot study gun deaths and classify them in any meaningful way. Anything anti-gun is already banned. Trump may have forgotten that.

"You can still publish negative stuff on Obamacare," the leader added.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump To Invade Canada

Seeking a distraction from some of the bad press from "fake" media, Donald Trump has decided it is time for our first invasion. The CIA has distanced themselves from Trump, but is on board with him on this mission.

The mission is simple. The volunteers from Trump's secret army will be armed and driving four wheel drive pick ups and some on ATVs. They will invade Canada right next to Lake of the Woods county. Camps will be set up and a temporary fence made around the area that will be claimed. There are some hunting cabins owned by Canadians that will be used as housing as well. The ultimate aim is to have a strip of land 10-20 miles wide to connect the US by land to the NW Angle foerest, which we own but can only get to by boat currently. There are some 4000 residents in the US county at the border.

The area wiil become a popular resort on the shores of the Lake of The Woods complex. Trump will then declare the entire lake as US property for hunting and fishing. Right by the border, the Canadian town of Middlebro (pop unknown) will become part of the USA. Some other parts of the municipality of Piney (pop 1700) will also be annexed.

Mr Trump was inspired to undertake this plan by Putin's annexation of Crimea, which is historically part of Russia, not the Ukraine.