Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Trump Orders Coronavirus to Stay in China

Donald Trump has come up with a solution to the coronavirus epidemic. All individuals of the virus are now ordered to stay in China by executive order.

Furthermore, all Americans will be removed from China. The executive order blocks the virus from entering Americans while we are doing this.

To determine that the virus is obeying Trump's strict orders, Rudy Giuliani will be shaking hands with all the Americans coming back home. Rudy will be tested every day, just in case one virus happens to make it to his hand from China. Rudy will also be using GermX hand cleaner once every hour.

Asked about viruses already infecting Americans and some Europeans such as Italians, Trump stated he has no authority to block viruses infecting foreigners. Those Americans already infected will have to suffer the consequences, as his order is not retroactive.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

If Trump Wins, Bernie Has A Plan: Canada

Bernie Sanders has had a nomination stolen from him once. If he is running against Trump, he has a chance of an entire election being hacked from him. So Bernie has a plan for after the election.

Vermont is going to dump the USA and merge with Canada. The insulin flow into Vermont alone should get that done. Then New Hampshire will join. People from Massachusetts can just drive there for the insulin. In the first year of the plan all the states from Maine to Minnesota bordering on Canada will be attached to Canada, doubling its population.

Socialism has not ruined Canada so far. It only extends as far as healthcare anyway. So the new Canada will be OK. And we will have all that insulin to export to the limping US underneath. since it no longer will have a New York or a UN, it will have a major status in the world. Bernie will also have Trump Tower demolished by eminent domain.

In this new state Bernie will have the title of Governor of the Newly Acquired States. His first job will be to change the parking meters so they take Canadian quarters and loonies.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Area Man's Life Taken Over by Conspiracy Theories on Youtube

Carl Krebsbach is plumber in the Kansas portion of greater Kansas City. Most of his customers are in Overland Park. Right until the Trump election he was living a normal life with a wife and a one year old daughter Kelly.  His wife asked not to be named. Currently Carl lives mostly at Motel 6, though still married and occasionally invited to his house for a weekend.

During the Trump campaign he became more or less a libertarian. He was concerned about Democrats controlling all the millions of government employees. Pretty much all inspectors, except the local one that come to inspect the water heaters he installs. He is friendly with state and city officials.

Then he went deeper. Climate change,vaccinations, gun control, the federal reserve, the world Economic Forum. All were run by various conspiracies that all seem to be somewhat connected.

Then Trump took over. He may have his henchmen, but it was all new, all fresh. Trump was fighting the liberals, the deep state.

Carl spends hours each day watching the videos on his smart phone in his truck. He has bought two iPhones on line (he does not use Amazon, owned by a conspiracy, but will use eBay occasionally) so that each one can be either in use or at the repair shop for a new battery. He runs through several batteries a year.

As Carl does have to take care of his plumbing business, he got another phone number for that. It's not even a smart phone, but does allow him to do texting. Before that he accidentally texted a message to Bill, his local conspiracy pal, and added a customer to the message. The customer called him back immediately, some Democrat, and canceled the job. Carl is aware of the public's lesser concern for conspiracies, and has been able to talk just sports and water heaters and such with customers. Though there was an interesting old man last week who was equally occupied with fighting "evolutionists" as Carl is fighting the deep state.

The rich life of conspiracy theories is now filling up nearly all of Carl's spare time as well. Having some contact will real people is reduced to the one day a week he spends time with Kelly. The unnamed wife is aware of his conspiracy life, so she demands that he turn off the Conspiracy Phone while he is with Kelly. She only calls him on the Plumbing Phone if she has instructions to him about their child. The marriage is on the rocks, though, and she has not had sex with him since the day Trump got elected. She apparently voted for the e-mail lady.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Area Christian does not want Medicare For All for Muslims

Concord, NH -- Area Christian Patty McCormic has been very vocal at her local presidential candidate forums: she does not want to be paying for Medicare for All for Muslims.

Patty, you say you would support this measure that Sanders is proposing for Christians?
Patty: Yes I would, even though I am not a Democrat. I am independent.

So if we were all Christians you would be OK with it.
Patty: Yes. But I do not want it for Muslims or atheists or anyone that supports abortion.

That's most of the people,on the East Coast, that support the right to abortion, not the actual abortion for any loved ones. There they still want the babies, among family.
Patty: Whatever. I may vote Biden cause you know, Trump has insulted my family.

How so?
Patty: He made fun of that disabled journalist, and my brother has the same.
OK, then. We left her to go on with caucusing.

From a few earlier questions we gathered that Patty also supports Obamacare, because she did not want the Muslims and atheists to go without healthcare, but if they paid a whole bunch out of pocket that would be OK. That insurance is so expensive anyway, you have a 6000 deductible, as does her mom hazel. The main problem she had was her tax money going to atheists and Muslims and abortionists  if we had Medicare for All.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Libertarians gather to celebrate Larry, who did not wear a seat belt but once

Knoxville, TN -- Larry was a good guy, they all agreed.

Bob, who went to high school with him, remembers Larry taking the driver's test. The seat belt was all dirty and full of gunk. Larry picked it clean and buckled up for the driver's test. He passed it, driving well under the speed limit. Which he never obeyed from that day on.

Carl remembers going on a sales trip with Larry. They rented a car and it just beeped and beeped, so they just buckled the seat belts first and then sat on top of them.

The area libertarians and sports fans gather at a local bar every Friday. This was the first time without Larry. They all knew well before the crash that he was going to die some day in a car accident. "But he didn't wear a seat belt, that was the main thing," said Mark, as they made a toast to him.

Monday, January 20, 2020

A serious note

I know you might come here for some light satire. But on the eve of the Senate trial there is this, from a forum I follow:

"We have to let the voters decide whether or not Trump is guilty of abusing his power to influence the election" is where they are gonna wind up isn't it? And like... the irony won't even be lost of them.

The time to punish Trump, in every way possible, is now. It is a rigged trial.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Republican thinks Democrats should get a job!

Medicare for all? Who do they think they are? Unemployed professors of medieval history, artists, poets, feminists! Those people don't have full time jobs. Go work for a national chain if you are a hair cutter or something like that. We have enough nail salons I think.

I am businessman and a teacher, I started my own private school. You Democrats are just losers, so you will have to work for someone else. Go find a job! Target is hiring, if you think Wal Mart are capitalist pigs or you don't like us buying our guns there. That's how you get insurance. I'm not paying for any of yours now that we have Trump.