Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Rich Guy Not Really Into Rich Guy Stuff

Minneapolis-- David Cameron, 65, has gone out of his way to keep people from asking for his money and trying to sell him stuff he does not want. The millionaire stock broker and bachelor (a stock photo from 15 years ago was given)
has lived in the same 2 bedroom house for 40 years. All he needs is a long wide drive way for the boat and a one car garage for the Chevy pick up he uses to haul the boat to the lake. His dog Nelly accompanies him on all his boating trips and sometimes steers the boat. David has a fishing license but has never bothered to cook any of the fish he catches. "There's restaurants out there where I eat, usually hamburgers."

The types of things other rich people spend money on does not bother David. Houses, boats, swiming pools, vacation condos in Cancun. "It's their money."

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Kentucky Declares "Missionary" the state Official Copulation Conformation

Frankfort, KY -- Not to be outdone by Tennessee and their Official Book (Bible), lawmakers hastily passed a law making "face to face man on top" sex the official state copulation conformation. No votes against, two abstained, two absent.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Enterprising Man Sells Cures for Cheap and finds Niche Market

Galilea, ca. 30 AD -- Enterprising Galilean Moshe Joseph has been hanging out where Jesus and his followers preach and heal. 

After the famous entourage leaves, Moshe has been hanging out to sell coal tar products for those that did not have the nerve to be cured by miracles.

Asked about guarantees, Moshe explains: "If you are near death, go to Jesus. Otherwise, my coal tar remedies are more cost effective. You can take them home to your sick relatives. Or I can have them delivered. Money back one year guarantee. Some ailments need repeated application."  

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Zenith Productions Auctions Morse Ventilator

London -- Unable to use the ventilator unit seen in numerous Inspector Morse episodes,
the UK based production company finally put the famous ventilator up for auction. It was used for all terminal patients in Morse episodes, other than Morse himself. Morse had to have a speaking part to the very end, and the ventilator tube does not allow an actor to speak. During the over ten years of production, the unit was also lent out to other production companies connected with BBC and ITV. 

Prop manager Ken Townsend states that it was a hospital reject, but still working when first used in the show. In the end "at least the moving parts and the screen still came to life. I don't think it pumped air anymore."

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Republican Treasurer fighting Big Government

Kansas --Andy Stub, 48, has worked for the city for 25 years. Most recently as treasurer, he reduced his employees from 45 to 39 while increasing efficiency and introducing Bibilical morale. He eliminated phone lines and made many services just a pdf to be filled out at the county website. “You want to pay this tax or fee? There are the forms. If you don’t pay, I’m not going to come after you.”

Current Mayor Browning has proposed an expensive sports/entertainment arena and added bike trails. “We don’t need any of that. Attend your churches, they have plenty of room for social events. We just had a book sale at mine. I donated all my books to that.” As for bike trails. “they end without warning, sending arrogant bicyclists to block and hinder motor traffic at critical arteries.” He was particularly annoyed at Ed, his neighbor, who goes ding ding ding with his little bell at all possible spots. Especially when Andy is driving his red convertible.

As mayor, Stub will bring Big Government to its knees!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Wife Buys Creamy Oatmeal Again

Manhattan, KS -- Hank Beeler, 65, looked into the cabinet. There was one packet of maple syrup flavor, then a whole box of creamy, some peach or such, flavor. "Not creamy! Now I will just have to mix it with the one packet of regular." He has pointed out to Mary that even the variety pack is good, though he has to spread the regular flavor with the rest. Regular has no flavor. The store brand low sugar is OK too, it has no man made sweeteners, just lower sugar.

"What do I do with this box now? I can't give it away, since I took one packet and used it?" After reading the paper Hank planned to go to the store and buy five boxes."I'll just move Mary's assorted granola cereal boxes on the bottom shelf to make room."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Husband Noisiest Person On Planet

York, PA --Molly Harrison, 42, says that her husband Al (age approximately 50) is the noisiest person on the planet when he gets up in the morning to go work at the aluminum recycling plant at 5:30. He slams kitchen cabinets, drawers and the door to the garage. "He seems to be even noisier now that the kids have moved out. I bet the cave man was more quiet. All he had to do was go outside the cave and pee.He could sit there for a while and do whatever it is guys do Sunday mornings. I have no idea. I try to get back to sleep."