Thursday, January 19, 2017

Donald Trump Anxious for Girl Scouts To Visit Him

Washington DC -- Donald Trump has been waiting for this for a long time. A week after the inauguration, Trump will personally conduct a tour of his White House for a New Jersey girl scout troop.  he will also make time to conduct tours weekly.

The girls will be accompanied by one adult leader.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Trump squeezing inaugural speech into 5 tweets

Working furiously, Donald Trump is writing five themes for his speech. Each theme is going to be captured in one tweet.

He will then give the tweets to send out during the speech. The speech writer Mark Johnson has been given the tweets to "flesh them out to a full ten minute speech." Trump will then look over the text. It will be placed on a teleprompter. The teleprompter operator is to follow Trump closely, as he is allowed to improvise and fill in with terrific words and other Trump phrases and claims that his fans are used to hearing.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Trump Bans Wikipedia as Fake Facts

New York -- Trump has blocked all government computers from accessing Wikipedia. Wikipedia has been labeled fake facts.

By analogy to fake news, like CNN (also banned on those computers), Wikipedia is now fake facts. All employees sneaking a look at Wikipedia on their cell phones during work hours will be fired on the spot.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Man Has All The Books He Needs

Rural Massachusetts --Finishing off the last Bill Bryson book about the UK (The Road to Little Dribbling: Adventures of an American in Britain)   Bill Pennington, 62, had to agree he has nearly all the things in life he is going to ever need. Some consumer stuff of course gets replaced every year. But the books, he has lots of those and does use some of the non fiction books from time to time,  The fiction is just collecting dust.

He has a plan to go through the fiction and see which were gifts and save about 200 of those. The rest of the books are all over the house and amount to several thousand hard cover books and a lesser amount of paper backs.

Each room has at least two walls of books. Then there are the CDs and LPs and even cassettes. In his basement there is a cassette room, with a few boom boxes for checking them. In the living room is a nice stereo with a turn table and a nice tape deck and a CD/SACD player.

The thing about books is, he used to buy them and read them all cover to cover and then shelve them, never to be read again.

The LPs are in a shed with humidity control. There are 20 000 or so. He estimated that by taking an inch tape measure and adding up the inches of LPs.

"I have not given up buying LPs. I'm dedicated to that culture. The songs I buy that are digital, I've managed to store them on large hard drives. I have a guy working part time putting the 8000 CDs on the hard drives. Then I will get rid of them."

He says he will still go to garage sales and look for odd things. "There is a Nancy Sinatra LP I have three copies of but I still need one in better shape." So it is more of a collecting hobby. All the LPs are in alphabetical order. "I have another guy organizing those. He is allowed to check out any, but he only plays black R&B records from the 50s on community radio."

The books seem to be different than the LPs in that Bill can just sample any records he buys as he gets home. He may even play a whole side. With a book, once he sits down with one, is a several hour commitment, as he never reads just part of one, even if he has read it before. Bill has some 100 books that are marked brightly that he comes back to over and over. They too are in the whole alphabetical library among the unwanted books.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Muslims Not Welcome: Statue of Liberty To Be A Christian Monument

Donald Trump has been looking at the Statue of Liberty from Trump Tower

What could be more American? Trump now wants to repeal the Antiquities Act

The statue is to be privatized and leased out to interested groups in 10 year cycles. Thinking back to all the immigrants of the 1800s and 1900s, Trump claims they were Christians. The statue never welcomed any Muslims. So there will be displays and builings set up on the small grounds to celebrate these brave Christian immigrants coming legally tot the new land.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Movie Goers Confused About Star Wars and Politics

Republican and Democratic voters have all been going to see the Star Wars movie in the theaters currently. Both groups identify with the Rebels, as they see themselves as the Underdog.

Republicans think liberals are atheists and maybe Catholics so they really can’t understand The Force, which is religion and God. They even want to kill babies which Obama (Darth Vader) has been pushing for four years and was on the verge of winning on, with his liberal Supreme Court justice.

Democrats on the other hand see Putin and Trump clearly as a world wide Empire of oil. This Empire is on a mission to generate as much CO2 as possible, melt Antarctica and raise sea levels over 70 meters. In addition, the Empire is there to cause havoc in the Middle East and send more refugees to Europe. The Empire only needs drones who work at McDonalds and Wal Mart. They reproduce fast, so they do not need health care or education beyond high school. The drones will eventually evolve into cybernetic organisms like the Borg (Liberals also follow Star Trek, Republicans stick to Star Wars). 

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Dad follows his own advice

Cincinnati, OH -- Area dad Bill Cannon, 45, found a note in his own hand on the cardboard holding the Christmas tree lights.

He immediately knew what to do. You have to unwind the two strings of lights. The one with the screw in lights may be 20 years old but still works. You just have to change burned bulbs. The other string is newer and more disposable.

The plugs work in one way of connecting and not the other.

The strings are a bit of a long bundle to twirl around the tree and also to plug to the lit star at the top. The star has never given any problems. Dad knows this stuff!