Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Trump Triumphant: I did it!

Washington DC, December 1, 2020

With all the furniture but Trump's own bedroom packed away and all personal goods moved back to Trump Tower, President Donald Trump is sitting alone at the Oval Office, sampling some Diet Dr Pepper for a change, he reflects on his four year presidency, which ended with a female Democrat beating him in November. "But she really hates me after that debate! It was spectacular!" The ratings went through the roof, never seen before in a debate broadcast.

He also has other big claims: "Nobody got as many groups to hate each other in a four year term!" With abortion nearly repealed in 2019, Trump got most of the women angry at him. "I guess we could have left abortion in case of rape in there as way out, but I promised to ban abortion. It was close!"

People living next door to each other got nasty with yard signs for Trump and his opponent. Some of them will never speak again and some have moved away.

Farmers are angry with farmers after Trump messed up pork producers, soybean growers and corn with his tariffs and subsidies.

Many people of course died due to lack of insurance in the middle of 2019 when Obamacare was repealed with all subsidies. The families will never forgive Trump. Gun sales went through the roof when all those people bought a single handgun just for the suicide.

Trump calls it a success. "I got people engaged in politics! And I deported all foreigners that voted for Hillary!"

Hillary has survived the Trump term, just barely, and is still not in jail. "I failed there, I admit that," said Trump on Foxnews this morning.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Government can't do anything right! Trump wants water!

Putting aside for a moment the fact that Mr Trump is the government, the president has been frustrated by "all kinds of professors" commenting on his ideas to fight California fires. Trump had almost given up on California. "Let Jerry Brown figure it out" was his first thought. California did not voter for him after all.

But then Trump remembered his Mar-a-Lago grounds manager and called him up. Trump knows grass and golf courses! "It turns out, Mike says, that you could hook up garden hoses for up to a mile. And he has some trash pumps that pump out flooded water from ditches. They run on gas."

Trump will be headed to California to hand out garden hoses to the population. Air Force 1 was loaded full, and Trump volunteers have loaded pick up trucks full of hoses at Home Depot stores. Trump only has to call the stores and approve the sales on the Government Visa card he has on hand for these type of occasions.

The citizens will be armed with hoses and pump for whenever the fire comes near. Just like you need guns to protect you from bad hombres (the cops never get there on time), so too will they all have hoses ready to wet the ground on a wide circle around their properties.

And the hoses, they will not look like the mess in your back yard:

Mr Trump has picked the professional models which can be connected as easily as the tangled ones but much faster:

At the end of the fire season Mr Trump will fly successful property owners to the White House for a citizen fire fighter award presentation. To qualify, you must successfully protect your own home and one other neighboring home.

When asked about his previous effort to offer disaster relief in Puerto Rico

Mr Trump responded with "no more questions, thank you. God bless!" and left the room.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Trump to tax Chinese bicycles 100%

Donald Trump will tax all bicycles made in China 100% starting September first. This decision came as result of studies of a photo where a woman, Juli Briskman, gave Trump the finger. It appears her bike was made in China, but officials are not disclosing the brand.

Rural children bicycling to school can take a special form to the principal, then to the bike store or Wal Mart and have the tax waived.

The tax applies to American companies such as Trek and Cannondale for all models made in China.

There will not be a tax on bike parts.

Friday, August 3, 2018

Drain The Trump

Vote the Republicans out!

Show the world these people do not represent us:

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Trump Goes to Rally

It's getting tiresome. The president just can't stay focused on policy matters. Just how to destroy the Endangered Species Act? Leave that to...that new guy at the EPA. They are good at that, destroying the environment, at the EPA. So rallly it is, with memories of the old days:

There are just angry crowds now. Guys with gray hair, gun nuts, the usual. Those working arrived in rusty pick ups, working that shift at Home Depot or lawn care earlier in the day.

It just was not the same crowd, and it was not even big.

He gave the talk, skipping any story telling bits he has memorized. It just was not the same. They still want to drain the swamp from Washington. Who knows what that is. Probably every politician who does not represent white folks in the middle, the South and Florida.

It just is no fun being president! Mueller is going to charge Trump Junior soon. It came to Trump what he has to do as he was flown home. He is going to fire Mueller. He is the President after all! Come what may! Sessions will have to do it. If that does not work, fire Sessions!

"Stewardess, can you bring Mr Trump another Diet Coke?" The fridge in his suite was apparently out.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Vladimir Putin: I was Trump's Campaign Manager

Vladimir Putin disclosed to CNN today that he in fact ran Trump's entire campaign.

Putin said he allowed Trump to spout at the mouth freely on TV, this part was all Trump's doing. In the back ground, Russian hackers found out about polling in the Great Lakes area. They were able to reject "all those weird sounding black names" from voter registries in Milwaukee for example. The black voters were then allowed to cast a provisional ballot, where they had 72 hours to update the address on the driver's license to match the address they voted with. Putin also contacted the Trump ad team to spend all the money, some of it Russian, on the three critical Great Lakes states. Jill Stein was also given money for those states to campaign for radical votes, taking those votes away from Hillary.

"I think we did a splendid job. Unfortunalely Mr Trump won't last more than four years. He is weak, I discovered in Helsinki."

Liberal picks up after Libertarian

Andy Snow has been going to Yankee Hill recreation area to look at birds, ID flowers and count monarch butterflies for two years now. He noticed a lot of trash left behind by fishermen. Beer cans, worm containers in Styrofoam, lots of plastic water bottles. “I hate plastic, you should read about microplastics.” Andy now picks up the first plastic grocery bag he sees and uses work gloves he brings to pick up all the trash. 

Andy is generally very happy, now with a small child at home. The child will no doubt be picking up trash with Andy by toddler age. “I like picking up trash. The guys may be sloppy and probably never even vote, that’s their problem. I am doing a small part to make this a better world. I have a happy family and I see a great country after Trump is gone. These guys are no longer married or hide at the lake all their spare time because their wives are fat and watch TV all day. We bicycle when I am not here. I already have the trailer for the baby when she’s a few months older.” 

It turns out that more than three fourths of the trash that is thrown in this area comes from one man. 

Bill Black is a libertarian. He has been a hard-core libertarian ever since the day Obama got elected. Throwing trash is just a small part of the fight against big government. Even now with Trump in charge, Bill is not happy. “I thought that Trump putting in less regulation would help. I don’t want my kid vaccinated, for example. But the state people are just undoing him.” It appears that the state of Oklahoma has picked up some of the regulation that Trump abandoned.

The corporations are running the world, and Bill does not quite want to support them very much. They run the country through that same Big Government. With less government we would have the corporations more under control as consumers. Or so he thinks, the theory is still in the works. This is one point where he disagrees with Trump. “I support local. I drink local beer, I go to local restaurants, never Trump’s KFC. My dad’s hardware went out of business because of Wal Mart.” Bill works at a national hard ware chain, making keys and sometimes mixing paints. “It’s a job. I’m just saving to get off the grid.” Bill’s marriage did not work after his wife Cathy went and got his boy vaccinated for every thing that they vaccinate kids for these days. Even human papillomavirus. “He should just wear a condom if he wants sex with girls at fifteen.” Bill now lives in a camper that he pulls with his pick-up. In the summer he is at various recreation areas within 20 miles of his work place. At night he writes angry posts at Free Republic and Twitter.

Andy by now knows about Bill. He heard Bill angrily protest the fishing license with another fisherman. They have never talked to each other but Andy gives him a wave and Bill does a weird pointing of the index finger and a smoker’s heavy laugh after that. It even cheers Bill to see “that yuppy working so hard”, but then he goes back to being grumpy as soon as Andy is gone.