Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Husband Noisiest Person On Planet

York, PA --Molly Harrison, 42, says that her husband Al (age approximately 50) is the noisiest person on the planet when he gets up in the morning to go work at the aluminum recycling plant at 5:30. He slams kitchen cabinets, drawers and the door to the garage. "He seems to be even noisier now that the kids have moved out. I bet the cave man was more quiet. All he had to do was go outside the cave and pee.He could sit there for a while and do whatever it is guys do Sunday mornings. I have no idea. I try to get back to sleep."

Monday, March 2, 2015

Area Christian Having Bad Week

Boston, MA -- Surrounded by urban liberals, area Christian Maggie O'Donnel is not happy. "My son started cross-country and now he is practicing with the gay boy from two doors down." The gay boy is not gay, only his father and the father's boy friend are. But Maggie has labeled them all gay, including the dog Buster. "They are making a mockery of my marriage. That boy has a a fancy car, what with two gay daddies having fancy computer jobs and all. My son is not riding to school in that car."

Maggie is home schooling the younger boys Matthew, Luke and John. Mark is at the same magnet high school the gay family boy, Josh, is at. "Those gays go to that atheist temple as well." She is referring to the Unitarian church.

"Also this week, they had the evolution junk in biology. Mark is going into computers, what does he need that biology junk for? Anyway, they teach that we come from slime, crawled onto to the land. I will have to have my pastor talk to Mark, he is no slime."

Maggie did buy, despite a shortage in cash, a short Intelligent Design book for Mark at Barnes and Noble (they have a good religion section), but says "Mark is not interested in frogs and stuff anyway, thank God."

Friday, February 27, 2015

Dowitcher Ends 30-year Marriage

Portland, OR -- With the kids finally out in the world, Linda Thompson, 61, joined hubby Eddie, 62, in his birding quest. After about a year of intense birding and travel, the 30-year marriage ended over a dispute with a shore-bird ID. Was it a short billed or a long billed dowitcher, two similar species?

 Out in the field, they came to a loud argument. After about ten minutes of arguing, with other bird issues and the past year thrown it, Ted drove them back to the Edgewater Motel in silence. Linda immediately booked a room of her own. In the morning she drove off at 6AM, leaving Ted at the motel continental breakfast by himself. Without a car, he was left to charge his cell phone for an hour so he could call someone to come and pick him up.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Publisher denies wrongdoing in porcupine tale

Philadelphia, PA -- In the children’s book Porcupine’s Pyjama Party by Terry Harshman, Mole prepares cookie dough, they eat it, place the remaining three cookies in the oven on page 27. Then they watch scary movies and on page 64, the three critters (including owl) go to bed together. Molly Hanson, 7, of Fairfield, OH, wrote in to alarm the publisher that “they never took the cookies out!” Molly offered to edit future books for a small salary.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Area Wino Needs 22 Cents

Anaheim, CA -- Area wino needs 22 cents.

Approaching several pedestrians and a 7-11 cashier, area wino Jack, freshly showered but not shaved, appealed to one and all to come up with 22 cents "for the bus fare". The request seemed reasonable at 9 AM but it took an hour to find the one gullible tourist, a large housewife from Illinois, for the quarter.

Kathryn Isaacs, 32, then headed for the Disney bus with her supersize diet Pepsi and three kids. "My husband is in Afghanistan so my thoughts and prayers go to those in need."

Biology of Overpopulation Revealed

Madison, WI -- Professor Fiona O'Leary has been researching overpopulation for over 20 years. The seemingly complex cultural reasons in many countries seem to boil down to a few main principles. It would seem that the cause of overpopulation is babies, who grow into teenagers and then turn into a useless overpopulation in places like Egypt.

However, it is in fact women who give birth to babies. They in turn are impregnated by men, the real biological cause. Men are the cause of babies, famine and sports.

Women, on the other hand, were only a minor economic hurdle, for the drain on food crops brought on by land used for cocoa production, for chocolate.

The connection between men, babies and chocolate is still being investigated.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Big Bang not alarmed by New Theory

Upstart young scientists in Egypt have made revolutionary new calculations. It all started with a lunch of rice and chicken at a Cairo café last summer that a professor and a doctoral student, Saurya Dashad, had. A few lines were written on the back of an electric bill. In weeks, Big Bang was completely gone. In their paper, Ali and Dashad started with equations developed in the 1950s by physicist Amal Kumar Raychaudhuri at Presidency University in Kolkata, India. These involved Bohmian trajectories.

 "The Big Bang singularity is the most serious problem of general relativity because the laws of physics appear to break down there," says Ahmed Farag Ali at Benha University and the Zewail City of Science and Technology. 
We reached Big Bang at his office. He had a $40 dollar Mr. Coffee machine and served Starbucks coffee during the 5 minute interview. "News of my death are greatly exaggerated." He is playing tennis to keep in shape. Of the new theory, he would comment other than to the mention of “gravity particles”, to which he commented “pah!”

"Ether" still appeared to be just a ghostly image of a pervasive medium throughout the universe. Although he too had an office. With tea in a pot.

The office titled Quantum Mechanics is currently unoccupied. The Cosmology director said they rarely hold on to the staff member for more than three weeks. He is always here and there, mostly gone.