Thursday, July 21, 2016

God Not Aware He Made Our Solar System

At a Galactic Review Conference God was confronted about the solar
system he once created and a planet Earth, with bipedal tailless
primates running the show. "They are? That is unfortunate", replied
God. He stated he does not remember the details of creating this
solar system, and that he usually "leaves those things to evolve life
on their own," if such a thing happens.

"I haven't been creating solar systems for a long time. Intelligent beings like you kept suing me in Galactic Court. You know, they say they did not ask me to create their solar system or them."

"It does have a moon, this planet of yours?" he added thoughtfully. We
replied that it did. "They usually do..." he stated and wandered off,
robes dragging in the dust.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

300 pounds of sand in two weeks

Platte River NE -- Social science majors working with Nebraska conservation groups have made a study of summer camp participants and their sand tracking activities. The kids bring in an average amount of three pounds of sand in their shoes into the common buildings in their two week stay at camp Tiki Taki.

With about 100 kids at camp, the kids will bring in about 300 pounds of Nebraska soil and sand into cabins. Cleaners hired by the camp vacuum and sweep all the buildings and dispose of all the trash. Candy wrappers and other human trash contaminate the sand. Sifting operations will be put in to conserve sand and reduce trail maintenance costs.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

What Happened To Your Nice Shirt?

I can't find either one of these shirts in the closet. I got these for you just a year ago and one was supposed to be for summer events and then you started golfing in them.

I'm going to send you a text since you are still at the golf course. How can you spend all those hours there? You spend twice as much there including all weekend since you retired.

If you don't respond in two minutes, I am going to Penney's to get you two nice shirts. Light blue or even burgundy and you are going to wear it. Not like when Justin married Cathy and we got to Seattle and got rained on and you wore your only good shirt for the trip and you had to borrow one from Cathy's dad. It's just Lisa's graduation in Denver this time and there is nobody there to lend you shirts. We'll sleep in Lisa's apartment and she will take the couch for the two nights.

And what about your shoes? I'm going to have to look at those and polish them a bit. You are not wearing the running shoes you drive with even if they are black and look somewhat decent. You are going to wear leather shoes this time.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Trend setting teens: smoking and babies

Seward, NE -- This is the new world! These are the Trump voter youth.

Sheila Knox, 18, is expecting her baby in September. She graduates high school this month and is moving in with boyfriend Billy, 18, at that time. Billy works at the Sinclair station and has taken up smoking. "It's my gap year," says Sheila. She is going to community college or beauty college after a year and when the baby is one year old.

Sandra, 18, gave up smoking during the pregnancy, but is smoking a half a pack again while taking care of Mary. "I don't smoke with her in the room and rarely with the car window down and my cigarette outside."

Sandra is working on getting Larry to agree to a wedding date. Larry is excited about the election. "I'm voting for Trump. He'll start a small war. I'll enlist and get some benefits out of that." Larry is the exception in the group of six friends all related to Sheila in some way. He does not smoke. Larry drinks some Bud Light and drives the beer delivery truck.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Oregon Politician Not Able to say the G-word

Washington, DC -- A libertarian politician from Oregon likes to hang out in bars after work and is often asked what he is doing in Washington from Oregon. "I'm a lobbyist" is his standard answer.

The problem with Peter Longmire is that he hates government. He does not like any government, but he thinks the federal crooks are the worst. But here is the problem. Just like the crooks, he gets a paycheck from the government.

"I'm not here to pass any new laws. Not any laws that might be signed by Obama. I'm here to make sure no more federal restrictions are placed on individuals. I'm a lifetime NRA member."

When conversation at the bar gets to his favorite subjects, he hints that he might be able to "do something." They ask "like what?" He then asks them to name something specific.

As the evening moves along and the plans get crazier and crazier, he might let is slip that he is out there in "congress." He might be in Government, but certainly not working FOR the Federal Government. "I work for the people back home. We want the government out of there with the wild life refuge land. We can take care of a few birds and critters." Turning to his bar crowd he says: we'll shoot them!

Since he works for his voters in Oregon and gets a federal paycheck, he says he is not really taking anything away from Oregon. In fact he saves a lot of his salary and invests it back home.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Trader Joe's Refuses To Hire Philosopher

Farmington, MA -- Area philosopher Matt Geiger, 25, has applied at the local Trader Joe's stores every time there is an opening. Currently he is working in a shoe store near one and is on a first name basis with all the clerks in the store. Sometimes he goes in there to straighten out the produce packages and sweeps coffee off the floor near the coffee grinder.

He has the experience and is friendly, but has figured out they discriminate him because he has an MA in philosophy and has never used his degree. "They even employ dropped out chemistry majors, failed architects, auto mechanics between jobs, you name it! I feel there is a corporate policy against philosophers. I've asked around, they never hired one that I know. One psychologist."

Meanwhile, the corporate office denies any discrimination. One of the employees thinks there is a bell curve approach to hiring. "If you fall outside the bell curve in three things, like former salary and stuff like that, they do not hire you."

Matt was even willing to change his snappy dress style to a more relaxed baseball cap and shorts all year. It seemed like a desperate attempt. Shoppers at the local store have started treating the young man with the suit jacket as an employee, and are not aware of the conflict.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Single Mom: I Need My Coal!

Covington, KY -- Area mom Madge McCarthy has gone vocal just before Earth Day to complain about the cost of electricity.

"I don't care about Al Gore and his warming. He can sit in his cozy castle and warm all he likes. I need my electricity!"

She has obviously been watching the Fox Channel, as she seems to think coal is the solution. We in fact sell coal mining rights cheaply and it has been providing a steady source of energy for over a hundred years in the US.

"And I want my kids to be able to go in our little yard and see robins and pigeons. I don't want them killed by windmills. "

She does not seem to know the robins and pigeons are not migratory in Kentucky and there is not a wind mill within a hundred miles they could fly into.

"And  I don't care about sea levels rising and corals dissolving or whatever they do. My kids will never see any coral anyway."

Though she had no high school chemistry, she is probably right there, her kids are unlikely to travel to the ocean.

And what about the polar bears?
"The polar bears can go to the zoos! We go to the Cincinnati Zoo once a year with my ex-husband's mom to see the polar bears. When it dies, we'll take another one from Canada. They'll have some till I have grand kids, right?"