Sunday, October 16, 2016

Traffic circle now paved

Germany-- Area traffic circle, formerly with some bushes and other plants, is now paved. The mayor is not paying for upkeep of any more traffic circles. "Let them go pick flowers in our lovely country side."

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Trump Hardly Groping Campaign Staff at All

New York -- Staff at Trump Headquarters were polled anonymously, and Trump had NOT groped 9 of ten staffers. Trump seems to remember most of their names and some had indeed received offers of private time with Trump in the "back room" with Trump's gold colored couch.

However, Trump does seem to get more active on the road and volunteers report Trump touching them in Ohio, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. In fact, he had touched all the women he could get close enough to in those states, though most of them only lightly on the butt or a brief unwelcome hug with touching of the breasts.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Presidential Debate to Take Place With No Mention of Penis and Vagina

Despite the fact that only one candidate has a penis and one a vagina, these topics had not come up in the first political debate between Trump and Clinton.

With recent accusations on both sides, these topics will no doubt be discussed. Both staffs are preparing material for the candidates to introduce in the debate that would hurt the moral character and image of the opponent without mentioning penis or vagina, not even with some sort of softer term replacing the naughty bits. Not even "genitalia" will be mentioned, even though the audience will clearly figure out the naughty acts behind the accusations.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

New Girlfriend Makes Jason Watch Same Netflix as Old Girlfriend

Columbus, OH -- Area bachelor Jason, 28, is watching the same Netflix shows he had just finished watching with the old friend Jessica in the spring.

Pam is making him watch "crime shows, zombie shows, super heroes, sitcoms" every night. Unfortunately for Jason, he had finished most of them to the last episode available. For a week, all the shows have been reruns for Jason.

Pam's parents had watched West Wing, and Jason thought they could watch some of those. They are starting on that tomorrow. Pam's dad is cool guy, Jason hopes this one works out, "But you never know with chics." Pam has a cat Jason is now getting used to.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Trump Buys Mexico

In a surprise move during his meeting with President Enrique Peña Nieto, Trump ended up buying Mexico. At first he had offered to buy just the hotels in the Yucatan peninsula as well as Cancun airport. However, with 5 billion dollars of his own money and about 250 investors, Trump was able to buy all of Mexico. A female Mariachi band was brought in to celebrate the signing.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Trump Voters Profiled

Trump voters leave dog poop and beer cans!

In a nationwide study, 100% of Trump voters leave dog poop on streets and trails. Democrats were found to sonetimes leave beer cans where they partied or fished during the weekend (20%). Trump voters (100%) leave the cans as a rule. "It gives somebody a job with the city, right? My tax dollars at work" noted Tom, 28, from Idaho.

In a related study, students on University of Wisconsin (Madison) and Colorado campuses (political science senior projects) took up an unusual study. They went to area bars and surveyed bar patrons for voting plans and then followed their toilet habits. Yes, some stalking was required and inspection of stalls.

 It was found that Trump voters were not the worst violators. Those voting for Libertarian Gary Johnson accounted for 55% of non-flushers and the remaining 45% were Trump supporters.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Area Man No Longer "Fixing" Stuff on Internet

Corvallis, OR- Area man Bill Whitlock, 38, is no longer fixing things on the Internet. Not facts, numbers, data, politics, history, anything.

"I used to complain to Amazon about faulty item descriptions. I would contact the independent sellers, after that. Neither could do anything. Binoculars with an 8x42 size would add inches after it. It's got nothing to do with inches. The 42 is in mm and the 8 is just the magnification. But shit, if the people found the item, and have no clue, or are too lazy to Google it to see the real data, from the maker of this product, or other sources, I don't give a fuck anymore."

With that, Bill left the apartment with his dog and left us to type up this bit of mundane life in this century where 500 channels on cable show you complete crap.