Saturday, April 19, 2014

Inexperienced garbage collector too interested in garbage

Indianapolis, IN – 
Robert Johnson and Luther Allison were assigned as a team on garbage truck for Waste Containment Inc. Robert was a 20-year veteran of the garbage collection industry, and preferred not to talk much. Luther had signed up a few weeks back, but everybody knew he was going to community college in September. Robert had sized up Luther the very first week, when Luther asked questions about all trash that was not in a can or bag. "What do think them white folks made this for?" was his usual question. Robert looked at the pile of pressure treated lumber with nails in it. He knew that outside stuff like that was either for kids’ amusement or something to do with a yard or garden. He had seen every possible attempt at home made projects by these suburban guys. "Beats me, but watch out for them nails," he said to Luther.

"This must have been some kind of kids’ playhouse," Luther said at the next house, holding a piece of wood with a colorful cloth attached. "Wonder if these Nintendo controllers still work" he asked at the next, but the wires were obviously in bad shape at the plug end. "Hey, there is a box of CDs here. But they are all relaxation CDs. You want these." The answer was blunt. " No Luther, I never bring home trash, only money if I find it in the trash."


On the positive side, Robert got to drive the truck and never had to get out, as Luther was looking for "useful stuff" as he worked at the back, bringing the cans to the claw to pick up.

Record Collector No Longer Playing Records

Long Island -- Area record collector Bill Emmit, 48, has decided he wants to treat all of his 15 000 LPs and CDs equally. He is not going to play any of them anymore. Friends can come over and borrow one album a week, "otherwise I forget who borrowed what." Bill still goes over and pulls out some records off the shelf to look at song titles. "On each album I can play the main theme for classical or the guitar or other riff for the rest in my head," he claims. "I'm not too good with lyrics." It would take several lifetimes to play every record in the collection, such as the Bach cello suites in 60 versions or another 60 recordings of Winterreise or Wagner operas on 78s, LPs and CDs. "I have every recording of Leroy Andersson's Typewriter song. I don't even like the thing."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Do Atheists Have Feelings?

Kari has been asked about atheists and their feelings. Yes, they have feelings. Yet, they can come to a well thought out decision about some matter that involves people. Feelings and logical thinking are input to weigh in all variables and come up with a smart decision. "The dog is suffering! We will put him to sleep."

Victoria Jackson or Bill O'Reilly on the other hand react from the gut and quickly announce a decision based on their life experience, the last sermon, or a Tiny Tim song. We never know. Puppies and fetuses are never killed, that much is clear.

There is then the average guy in the middle. They tend to ask their wife. Or have another beer. Perhaps an answer will come before the beer is gone.

I hope that helps.

Christians Approve Special Relativity

Chicago -- Ina national poll of people calling themselves Christian, 100% approve of special relativity. They also approve Einstein 100%. Only 75% approved of the heliocentric solar system.

On the question of evolution, most said " we don't talk about it". In addition, they said it should not be discussed in school. Maybe college.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Battery Did Not Last Five Years

Buffalo, NY -- Area man Ernest Galloway, 25, insisted that the battery is still good, after jump starting his Kia Spectra five times in December 1. He really wanted five years out of this battery.

Now it finally died. Ernest went to K-Mart and bought a battery that seems to be right one. He and his buddy Al will be spending time with beer in the garage that will eventually lead to the battery being installed. K-Mart said they will take the old battery tomorrow.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

MH 370 Search Yields Bob Hope Suitcase

Indian Ocean, Perth -- Searching a wide stretch of the Indian Ocean, ships looking for the disappeared plane have located a mass of some sort, floating freely hundreds of miles from shore. The conglomeration contains pieces from various years. For instance, a suitcase from Bob Hope from his Asian USO show years.

Another item was labeled as originating from Detroit. The  plastic drum may be another chance to look for the bones of Jimmy Hoffa.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Song writer rhymes Arms and Charms

Nashville, TN -- Song writer and bag boy Al Richardson, 16, wrote his first song he dared perform live.


After the open mike set, one old timer country musician came to see him. Al had seen him in some bar bands before, he said he was Mike.

"That song has some potential, son, and your words is good, but you gotta lose the arms."

"Why?"

"Really? You don't know? It's the 1950s, they had arms and charms in a hundred songs, you know them pop songs and doo wop stuff."

"Er, thanks, Mike, I'll work on it."