Sunday, December 21, 2014

Copy Machine Requires Project Code For Every Page

Minneapolis -- Workers at Minnesota Energy Solutions LLC have had to adjust to a new procedure this week. It now requires the five digit employee number, project code and personal password to make copies. The password must have a number and a capital. Employees tried to save a dummy code the first day, with the project as Copy Machine and the other codes saved on the machine. Accountants soon caught on to that and made the IS department add new security to the machine.

On Thursday they ran out of paper and tried to use the hole punched paper in the back closet. But the machine rejected that paper as not appropriate for most projects.

It also ran out of paper on printing out the accounting reports. Accountants resorted to distributing the report on burned DVDs.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tire Dealership Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Salem, MA -- The proprietors and mechanics of The Plaza Tire Service wish you a Merry Christmas from their hearts. This sincere wish was signed by Jim, Bart, Ray and Paul who hung up their
stockings in the waiting room. Hot chocolate with marshmallows and Folgers coffee is available all day every day. No purchase necessary.

Ray and Paul are bachelors who will spend their Christmas alone as usual. But they will cheerfully change your tire on Friday the 26th.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Expecting couple reject key-chain-name

Houston, TX-- 
Ross and Michelle McDaniel rejected their current favorite name for a daughter to be born in two weeks. They had just spent  the afternoon at a gaming and amusement center, where Ross’s employer, The Anderson Financial Group, had one large area reserved for the annual company holiday gathering. On their way out, they stopped at a Warner Brothers themed gift shop. Michelle was only looking for some nice baby clothes with colorful cartoon characters, when she saw the key-chain stand. "Ross honey, come right here", she said, holding up a key chain with the name Gabrielle on it. Ross was speechless, as they wanted an unusual name, such as Gabrielle. Previously, several months ago, Hannah and Abigail were rejected for the same reason. "We’ll think of something. I’m not approving Fiona or Bjork. We don’t even use umlauts here." Ross was unable to pronounce Björk correctly.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Our People In Mud Homes Were More Developed Than Yours!

Museums in Ruthenia and Pottsylvania have declared war, each declaring themselves the mud home innovators. Both museums are opening exhibits about life in mud homes starting a thousand years ago, with the mud homes of the 1800s as the ultimate mud technology. The exhibits will both open on New Year's Day.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

English Major Edits Engineering Magazine

Washington, DC -- Happy to land his first real job, Mark Bolan, 25, starts Monday as editor of an Engineering magazine for professionals.

"There is an engineer editor as well, but they write in a really boring way. I can't wait to start. No more Hundred Years of Solitude or Great Expectations."

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Spielberg Criticizes Camera work in Own Dream

Los Angeles, CA -- Spending time at one of their several homes, Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw were discussing dreams one morning. Kate had dreams that involved Sawyer, Mikaela, Destry and her mother.

Steven then began with a little bit of plot. The dream involved a drifter coming to town, a single mother and a corner store. Spielberg himself had only a cameo role. But the dream was vivid. Ten minutes later he was still discussing camera angles, fades and editing, when Kate started to express boredom. Steven quickly summed up the dream and stated: "Funny, this dream had no soundtrack. It needed a little more drama."

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Republicans To Ban Travel To "Foreign" Countries

Washington, D.C. -- Republicans have focused on domestic issues and Obama for the November election so far.
With the ebola crisis ongoing, the party plans to add a new issue to the campaign. Travel to foreign countries will be banned for the next two years. Goods will be imported, but no ship personnel are allowed to land in the USA. You may be able to drive to Canada for a while, but not to Mexico. All travelers will be allowed 30 days to get back home and stay.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Fat Lady made 49 Cookie Trips

Indianapolis, Indiana-- At the Continental Insurance Co, Beth the office manager brought in a huge tin of Danish cookies for the coffee area. Coffee was made 4 times today, but co-workers counted Tina, the fat lady, making 49 separate trips to the tin, picking one cookie each time. A trail of crumbs lead to her work area.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Minnesota Enacts Boater ID Law

Minneapolis -- Boaters in Minnesota will now need to be sober when boating a boat with more than a
2 hp or electric motor for lakes that require one.

The Boater ID does not need a test, but the boat owner is required to present the boater ID when asked and to take a breathalyzer test. Failing the test will result in community service. This consists of collecting beer cans and plastic from the lakes.

The boater ID will be accepted for purchases of beer, chewing tobacco and local elections. It does not qualify as an ID for national elections.

Friday, September 19, 2014

America Goes To The Mall

United States – Located at downtown and suburban locations, America decided to go to the mall today. There was not that much to do so America went there with a couple of friends. These friends pointed out Jeff Goldblum, who is a junior and really hot. He was looking at some little items in a stall. America had to talk her friends out of bumming a ride back home from Jeff. Alicia’s mom is coming to get the three of them at five anyway.

America then spotted the GNC store and went there for some protein bars. It is still winter, but America is going to do a 5K run on Sunday so this is all good planning. And they have the vitamins that lady at the counter is always pushing. She flirts with him a bit and is probably divorced. But America was not interested as he figured out she has teenage kids.

America was headed for the Brookstone store for some cushions for the car. They have to drive out of town to go to Florida and also to visit the kids. Harry is able to sit in the car for ten hours straight, but America needed some cushions to sit on, due to the arthritis in her hip.

The mall sure is full of people. America only wanted to get to the top floor of Dick’s for some coveralls he wears when working outdoor at the trails. It’s the stuff hunters wear. The hunters know how to keep warm. They have six miles of trail to restore before the scouts start using them in the later spring more extensively.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Remastered Hand-holding Songs Selling Well

London -- Hand-holding Songs from the 1960s by a group called The Beatles are selling well, reports" EMI". The albums that sounded good on LP and single now sound almost as good in their remastered form. The first four albums contained songs appropriate for the teens of the 1960s. Recorded at the time when toilets were banned from TV shows and moms and dads had separate bedrooms, the love songs often tell of "me" and "you", though one is titled She Loves You, a clever third person lyric for the times.

In the fall 2014 version, the LP's are rereleased in analog and MONO versions.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Miss America Becomes Brain Surgeon

Concord, N.H. -- Miss America Kathleen Sullivan from ten years ago was going to be "an astronaut, fashion model and brain surgeon." The first two careers did not work out, so she is now a brain surgeon in Concord.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Global warming useless

Global warming useless to London teen Rebecca: it does not tell her if she needs a sweater tomorrow.

"Like, I feel for those polar bears and all, but I have serious sweater issues this week," explained Rebecca.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Old timer sells book and CD

Baltimore--Book seller Ed Winston, 78, pretends to be interested in customer's book and CD while adding up $7.50 in sales. In his head he always thinks "it's all crap but if they want to pay for it."

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Bachelor Replaces Rag Under Driver Seat

Pittsburgh, PA -- Bachelor John Michaels, 37, decided today to toss out the rag that has been, uncleaned, under the driver seat of his '90s Toyota Corolla since he bought it seven years ago.

"It was too far gone to wash, I put a different old towel under there, with the ice scraper that also stays there."

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Singer Lands First Gig

Indianapolis, IN -- Singer Zack Meyer, 19, landed his first real paying gig, outside of an amateur rock band of his. In a one hour session Zack recorded both the lead vocal and a two part chorus, with a musician playing keyboards live to a canned percussion track. The lines went:

Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center
Don't Suffer In Silence

Zack got paid $500, and the musician, also there for other sessions, $200.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Area Stoner Finds Pink Floyd Unstocked for four weeks

Cincinnati, OH -- Area stoner Frank Miller, 45, works in a strip mall as a bag boy at Kroger. In the mall is also a Best Buy store. On his break, if he has no cigarettes, he may wander in there. Frank knows there will be possibly the last official Pink Floyd release in the fall. He has a one disc collection from Target in his Toyota Corolla that has been in there since the release. All the real albums are neatly at home.

"Yeah, I know where the bin is. You can't see the card but if I pull it up you can see the bin is empty. There were new Zeppelin CDs stocked just this week."

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Here and There

Nashville, TN -- Songwriter Earl "Mac" Davis is about to have a second major hit. Recorded in the late summer, while Earl was stuck home scratching chigger bites after a fishing trip, the song has universal appeal and has been released in country rock and traditional versions.

The protagonist, Earl, is "here", while his beloved is "there", far away. The song immediately struck a chord with truck drivers and road crew workers working away from home. However, the appeal appears to be broader. Female listeners who also appear to be "here" while their beloved is "there" are buying the song as downloads and CD singles.

Yardsales Unrewarding

The Hamptons-- The Berkshire family, one of them green families living on the cheap in a three bedroom house, took up a round of garage sales and yard sales on Saturday. Father Jack was rewarded with a fly fishing rod and some hand made lures.
"I'll take up fly fishing some day. In state of course. No Alaska for me."

The third stop seemed to be ahouse with a lot of Ikea stuff and video games.
"Holden, there's games", announced Mitzi. She could spot there were no Fiestaware dishes.
"Mom, I'm texting."

Mitzi and Holden opened the doors while Jack went to look for "interesting stuff."

On Sunday they will do antiques, because "we like antiques and we don't go to church since we gave up the Unitarians." They claim to be secular humanists.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Area Man Disposes 30 years of collected screws and nuts and nails

Cincinnati, OH -- "Yeah, we are moving to a condo, and they do most of the maintenance. I'll save some picture hangers and curtain rod stuff," explained Harry Smith, 62.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Area Man Falls In Love With Cat Lady

Worcester, MA -- Clovis Anderson, 44, has fallen madly in love with Heather.

When buddies at work bug him about the phone calls and the slight domesticity that has entered the confirmed bachelor's life, he just explains her as some kind of cat lady.

She is in her 50's and used to work at a local call center. She then had some health issue and some kind of settlement for it. Now she has a house and five cats.

"I can put up with them cats at least for the weekend. We hardly ever meet during the week, except maybe a restaurant if we can afford it.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

AC Return Vent Seen It All

Chesterfield, MO -- Area return vent just got painted one more time. This time they did not even bother unscrewing it. Only on two occasions was it removed to paint.

"I've seen five families move through this house. The only really interesting change was when a teenage girl painted me blood red. The wall was blue then. She had all kinds of horror
movie posters and liked to paint objects in her room red. I guess I was next as I am in the hall way outside her door."

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Professor thinks Jack White Songs Are About Something

Princeton NJ -- Having gone through several term papers dealing with the song lyrics of Jack White, the professor of a literature class given at the university asked for some mp3's of the songs.

Richard Thompson, 56, thinks that the songs are actually about something. "It's even more difficult than with Dylan to see if there was actually some human encounter behind the lyrics, or if they are just strung together."

And I swear
Besides the hair
She had one white eye,
One black(nk) stare
Lookin' up
Lyin' there.

On the stand
near her hand
Was a candy cane
Black rum, sugar cane,
Dry ice (and) something strange.

"That has to be a blank stare.  And then there's":

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore

"I think he's been listening to blues and is channeling sweat and blood back to us. It does sound like he had something in mind, and the mood is pretty clear usually."

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Area Gun Nut Proud of Shack

Toledo, OH -- Area gun nut Ed McMahon, 43, was proud to show us his gun shack near his trailer, but did not allow photographs inside.

It was actually built top house a riding mower, but now has been converted toa little club. Ed and his friends bring their guns in there every night and service them. A bench, gun cradle and a mat on the bench top allow them to work on the guns and drink beer. There is no electricity, but the ventilation is adequate and there is a kerosene lantern.

"There's no guns in here at night, we lock them up in the trailer, all except the beauty of a handgun I have at the night stand."

It appears to be a rather worn and traveled Glock. When we described it to our gun expert (a hunter) he thought it was a G21, not a 30 or 36.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Area hypochondriac fears Alzheimer's

Boise, ID --
Area hypochondriac Ted Myers, 55, keeps forgetting how to spell Alzheimer's. "Is that a symptom?" he asks. He had the Wikipedia page bookmarked to check for symptoms. "You can't remember them all, can you?" His parents died in their 70s of other causes, with barely a sign of memory loss. But Ted is watching an uncle, 85, who is in a nursing home. "He's a bit slow, dementia is bound to show up soon."

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Old Timers Wait for Eagles...and Beer

Omaha, NE -- Folks 50 and over patiently made their way into the arena for Eagles concert and beer. Knee and hip replacements and bladders were put to the test.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Area Woman Buys Icelandic Sweater from Bangladesh

Akyreyri, Iceland -- Area woman Auðbjörg Finnbogadóttir, 35, wanted a special present for boyfriend Arinbjörn. She had time to knit some socks. However, she had to cook Christmas dinner for her dad and brother, as her mom passed away this year. Not wanting to give just socks, she ended up buying a Icelandic-Norwegian looking sweater made in Bangladesh. It looks just fine on him. He is going ice fishing in it as we speak.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Dozens of Patriots Fail To Remove Black Man From White House

Washington, DC -- The first two days failed to accomplish the mission, when dozens of Tea Party activists, such as this group from Alabama, failed to remove Barack Obama from the White House, where he has been holed up for over four years.

"He's the leader of the free world. Not once has he pressed the button in that secret service brief case. And he didn't send our troops to Syria. All he does is tax us and keep Bundy off his land in Nevada due to some damn turtles. Well he did get rid of Bin Laden, maybe. But that was intelligence Bush set up."

Sunday, May 4, 2014

John Kerry Threatened Procol Harum WIth US Action

ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia — Secretary of State John F. Kerry pledged US help and humanitarian aid.

“The kidnapping of hundreds of children by Procol Harum is an unconscionable crime,” Kerry said. “We will do everything possible to support the Nigerian government to return these young women to their homes and hold the perpetrators to justice.”
The 60's band has had to tour Africa in recent years due to lack of interest in the civilized world.

Conspiracy Theorist Freaked Out by Google

Boise, ID -- Area conspiracy theorist George Applegate, 52, gave up his smart phone and deleted all his Google accounts and Chrome. It came about because his phone told him it would take him 32 minutes to get home around the time he usually goes home. He never told it where home is.

"It's creepy. I have used the maps from time to time. Now I will use paper maps and then a hiker's GPS if I need additional map data. But I know all data from Google goes straight to the NSA."

Have you done anything illegal, or why are you so concerned?

"No, our group is totally honest Christians. So no, nothing, until we overthrow this atheist government. And that's legal too. It's in the constitution."

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Tea Party Analysts: Government Hoarding Our Water

Arizona -- Jack Scott, Arizona Tea Party Grand Poobah, had a team working on this for several months. What they have discovered is astounding. The federal government is actually hoarding our water in several reservoirs out West.Party members plan immediate action.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Area STOP sign feeling useless after the first month

Saint Louis -- A STOP sign was installed at the request of a garage, who use a side street and fenced lot to store trucks waiting for repairs.

"I feel like a failure. The Stop here is unnecessary, and only one in 100 cars stop. Many of these drivers have been driving this route for years without stopping here.Yet, I am trying to provide safety to those people working at the garage."

Police know the sign is there, but do not have the time to check this low trafficked area. The cars that come along know to slow down to yield to cars getting off the freeway. "Only if there was a crash here would it come into play," said Officer Jones who patrols Broadway a block East of here.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Inexperienced garbage collector too interested in garbage

Indianapolis, IN – 
Robert Johnson and Luther Allison were assigned as a team on garbage truck for Waste Containment Inc. Robert was a 20-year veteran of the garbage collection industry, and preferred not to talk much. Luther had signed up a few weeks back, but everybody knew he was going to community college in September. Robert had sized up Luther the very first week, when Luther asked questions about all trash that was not in a can or bag. "What do think them white folks made this for?" was his usual question. Robert looked at the pile of pressure treated lumber with nails in it. He knew that outside stuff like that was either for kids’ amusement or something to do with a yard or garden. He had seen every possible attempt at home made projects by these suburban guys. "Beats me, but watch out for them nails," he said to Luther.

"This must have been some kind of kids’ playhouse," Luther said at the next house, holding a piece of wood with a colorful cloth attached. "Wonder if these Nintendo controllers still work" he asked at the next, but the wires were obviously in bad shape at the plug end. "Hey, there is a box of CDs here. But they are all relaxation CDs. You want these." The answer was blunt. " No Luther, I never bring home trash, only money if I find it in the trash."

On the positive side, Robert got to drive the truck and never had to get out, as Luther was looking for "useful stuff" as he worked at the back, bringing the cans to the claw to pick up.

Record Collector No Longer Playing Records

Long Island -- Area record collector Bill Emmit, 48, has decided he wants to treat all of his 15 000 LPs and CDs equally. He is not going to play any of them anymore. Friends can come over and borrow one album a week, "otherwise I forget who borrowed what." Bill still goes over and pulls out some records off the shelf to look at song titles. "On each album I can play the main theme for classical or the guitar or other riff for the rest in my head," he claims. "I'm not too good with lyrics." It would take several lifetimes to play every record in the collection, such as the Bach cello suites in 60 versions or another 60 recordings of Winterreise or Wagner operas on 78s, LPs and CDs. "I have every recording of Leroy Andersson's Typewriter song. I don't even like the thing."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Do Atheists Have Feelings?

Kari has been asked about atheists and their feelings. Yes, they have feelings. Yet, they can come to a well thought out decision about some matter that involves people. Feelings and logical thinking are input to weigh in all variables and come up with a smart decision. "The dog is suffering! We will put him to sleep."

Victoria Jackson or Bill O'Reilly on the other hand react from the gut and quickly announce a decision based on their life experience, the last sermon, or a Tiny Tim song. We never know. Puppies and fetuses are never killed, that much is clear.

There is then the average guy in the middle. They tend to ask their wife. Or have another beer. Perhaps an answer will come before the beer is gone.

I hope that helps.

Christians Approve Special Relativity

Chicago -- Ina national poll of people calling themselves Christian, 100% approve of special relativity. They also approve Einstein 100%. Only 75% approved of the heliocentric solar system.

On the question of evolution, most said " we don't talk about it". In addition, they said it should not be discussed in school. Maybe college.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Battery Did Not Last Five Years

Buffalo, NY -- Area man Ernest Galloway, 25, insisted that the battery is still good, after jump starting his Kia Spectra five times in December 1. He really wanted five years out of this battery.

Now it finally died. Ernest went to K-Mart and bought a battery that seems to be right one. He and his buddy Al will be spending time with beer in the garage that will eventually lead to the battery being installed. K-Mart said they will take the old battery tomorrow.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

MH 370 Search Yields Bob Hope Suitcase

Indian Ocean, Perth -- Searching a wide stretch of the Indian Ocean, ships looking for the disappeared plane have located a mass of some sort, floating freely hundreds of miles from shore. The conglomeration contains pieces from various years. For instance, a suitcase from Bob Hope from his Asian USO show years.

Another item was labeled as originating from Detroit. The  plastic drum may be another chance to look for the bones of Jimmy Hoffa.