Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Classic Rock Tracks Exclusive and Inclusive, Depending

Audio-trackatron has been monitoring oldies radio stations and had to finally add a new song to the world wide list for English speaking countries. A Blue Oyster Cult song will soon be named. 

This was due to one being removed.  "A song from 1975 that we can't name, for legal reasons, was removed from the list. It has been popular for 20 years but was no longer needed. Nobody hates it, but a gentleman from Melbourne, Australia was the only one who called in to his station when we pulled it out last time. He has now passed away." The song is apparently in the Southern Rock genre. We have a picture of Jim enjoying Lynyrd Skynyrd a year ago.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Area Birder Counts Same Geese Five Times

Cleveland, OH -- As part of a national Christmas Bird Count effort sponsored by Audubon, birder Jonathan Smith, 25 went to a nearby state park with ponds and trails.

He counted 17 birds at the North end of heron wetlands. They all flew away as he walked the shore counting other birds. Then he counted 17 birds at the South end. They also flew off. 

Jonathan had a bike with him to take him to the other three ponds not shown on the map. There were 17 Canada geese and on one snow goose eating grass near the first of these ponds. They went to the pond for safety. Jonathan covered woodlands for half an hour and returned to the bike, finding all the last geese gone. As he went back to the car by bike, two more ponds with 17 geese were found. One set had the snow goose with them. He did not count that again. Grand total: 85 Canada geese and one snow goose.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Tire Dealership Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Salem, MA -- The proprietors and mechanics of The Plaza Tire Service wish you a Merry Christmas from their hearts. This sincere wish was signed by Jim, Bart, Ray and Paul who hung up their

stockings in the waiting room. Hot chocolate with marshmallows and Folgers coffee is available all day every day. No purchase necessary.

Ray and Paul are bachelors who will spend their Christmas alone as usual. But they will cheerfully change your tire on Saturday the 26th.  

Friday, December 11, 2015

Philosophy Students Hold Hostages and Seek Meaning

Athens, GA -- Coming to an existential crisis after the chapter on ontology, three philosophy students (the leader identified as Michael Moore, 19) are holding a cashier and two supermarket managers hostage. Their demands are that William Lane Craig come and explain it to them before they release the hostages.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Engineer Reprimanded for Not Enough Plastic Parts

Honk Kong -- Area Engineer Marshall Wang, 35, was called to his superior's office at a local manufacturing firm. The company designs equipment for yard work such as leaf blowers in nearby China. The new area of products they will enter is garage door openers.

"Marshall, you have made this product too strong! This will last up to 20 years, You must put in some more plastic parts. Also, the axle can be aluminum, not steel. Sure, some units will fail in 5 years but I have the axles in stock already, so use those." He was also told to replace this rolling wheel at the one end of the chain and cable apparatus with a plastic wheel:

Mr Wang will work through the weekend revising the design, changing the specs and sourcing the parts. If it is not all fixed up by Mon 8AM, "do not bother showing up to work. You can collect your things later."  He will not get any pay for these hours as he is salaried, not hourly.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Area Hypochondriac Not Coming Up With Anything New

Rochester, NY--  Area hypochondriac Eric Manson, 25, is just having the usual chronic things this week. Psoriasis, mild case of pica. That sort of thing.

"Last month I had tendonitis in both arms. Month before that, it seemed like bronchitis. But this month, not even the cluster headaches have bothered me."

Eric thinks this is going to lead to the same thing as before. Monday he will have to go to work. Some of his conditions have allowed him to bill for limited hours and do limited programming work from home.

"I did get an itch that made it hard for me to get to sleep last night. Maybe it will lead to something. One can hope."

Saturday, November 21, 2015

You Americans Need To Learn To Spell!

Chicago -- Team Leader Jyoti Chattanoogakrishna, 35, is appalled at all the selling errors he sees in resumes received at an area engineering firm. "We hire a lot of temps and I read resumes weekly. They just have no idea. What happened to memorization? I've spoken English since I was five, and have never misspelled anything since I was seven."
Not only that, Jyoti can see the college educated engineers have little idea of subject verb or object. Adjective and noun get mixed up, says Jyoti, pointing to a Principle Engineer. "The man is a Principal Engineer!" He has not seen 'whom' used correctly either. "And what is with this "myself"- business. 'He gave myself a raise,' said a fellow the other day. What happened to me?" Jyoti declined to explain apostrophes, he was getting too worked up by that time.  

Monday, November 9, 2015

Dog walkers fight bicyclists

Cincinnati, OH -- Faced with angry bicyclists ringing their bells and yelling "bike on your left" while they walk the 30 feet or so to the dog park entrance, dog walkers decided to retaliate. The mayor had refused to paint a cross walk or make the bicyclists walk this stretch.

The solution they came up with is to put "dog mines" on the path to slow down the cyclists. The dog poop is simulated in the photo passed around at a community meeting at an area Kroger store with a cafe. "Jim" (no last name) came up with the mock photo.

The plan is to be put into action on the first cool Saturday. That way the poop can be collected at home a few days ahead and stored outdoors.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Remastered Hand-holding Songs Selling Well

London -- Hand-holding Songs from the 1960s by a group called The Beatles are selling well, reports Apple and Apple (the Beatles' Apple). The albums that sounded good on LP and single now sound almost as good in their remastered form. The first four albums contained songs appropriate for the teens of the 1960s. Recorded at the time when toilets were banned from TV shows and moms and dads had separate bedrooms, the love songs often tell of "me" and "you", though one is titled She Loves You, a clever third person lyric for the times.

The recently released “1” collection now features promotional videos of the songs. The videos may be partly in black and white, but all but three of the songs are in stereo and some are even in 5.1 surround stereo. In this case, you get a little 3D depth of the stereo mixes. Vocals have been moved to the center in most songs so that they would be iTunes and iPod friendly as well. Beatles experts prefer the new mixes on speakers.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Regular Flavor is No Flavor!

Cincinnati, OH-- Area siblings Buffy and Jody have gone through all the flavors of oat meal mom had in the cabinet. Finally there were two left before shopping day.

It turns out there is no flavor at all in there! Being resourceful kids, they added five spoonfuls of brown sugar to each of their bowls.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Birder Guards His Territory

ALton, IL -- Local Birder Bill Constable is leading a group of women and a couple of pairs of retirees to see local birds. Ducks and shore shore birds were out there today.

Of the troupe of birders, Muriel Hemingway is almost certain that Bill is after one of the women. "Have you noticed how he discourages unattached males from joining on our birding outings?" Discussion at the ladies rest room at the Alton Lock and Dam museum focused on the fact that all four of the women had ailing husbands. "I bet he goes after the one of us that us becomes a widow first. We have been doing this five years, and he will easily go another ten. Bill is only 62, my husband is nearly 70." Kathy Crosby noted that Bill had not actually made any amorous or even friendly moves to any of them. "All he talks is birds. When sex comes up, it is only of the nesting activities of the birds." 

Monday, October 12, 2015

Steamed Mayors Send Angry Letter to Atlas Maker

Brussels, Belgium -- In a meeting of mayors from across the globe, there to discuss communications issues, Mayor Fritz Bohmsen from Essen, Germany and Mayor Carl Johsnon from Adelaide, Australia, came to sit together at lunch. They had introduced themselves at breakfast and got to some small talk. The communications seminar had put them to sleep anyway. Fritz started chatting about maps and Essen. The iPhone map has no sides, so you can clearly see Essen centered on the phone map. However, a school atlas in English puts the city in the seam of the map.

The Adelaide mayor was speechless. The same problem with the same atlas publisher had been bothering him for years. They immediately sought out all the mayors of "cities stuck in seams" and circulated a petition. They demand the atlas maker to form a focus group to work with map makers and editors to dig out these lost cities from the seams.

Carl, on the left, pointed out that the National Geographic atlas below, though still lacking in information and a bit plain in the white color, was doing a better job. He was OK with Kangaroo Island being split in two, as the connection of the island to Adelaide was quite easy to see.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Area Man receives another AARP petition

Little Rock, AR -- Area man Jim Beam, 65, received yet another AARP letter that claimed to be a "petition". Jim has been a member since he was 63, the year he started social security.

The letter is sitting in Jim's pile of bills. Carol used to pay all the bills. She died the first year he was retired. "Carol prioritized all the bills. College donations went into the OPTIONAL pile but stuff like this went into the round file." Still, it is the only piece of mail Jim got this week that looked even slightly interesting. That and a fishing gear catalog, but that was already filed into recycling paper. Jim does not fish in October anymore. He might go along and see what the guys from the old work place are hunting but does not own a gun.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Area Man Hides Coffee Stain

Worcester, MA -- Area man Jim, 32, successfully washed out most of a coffee stain he made on a dresser. He thinks it will pass, though his wife will know it was him. She does not bring coffee into the bedroom or bath room, where the coffee ended up during the cleanup phase. The original stain was a cm in diameter at the arrow.

It's a European printed fabric. Swedish, or Swiss or something. "She got it in Boston, I was not on that trip."

Monday, September 21, 2015

Self Improvement Class Too Effective

Kalamazoo, MI -- Revco Fittings owner Bob Gould is regretting having sent his 20 employees to a three day training class while the shop was undergoing mechanical improvements.

The entire class of 20 were signed up for a well known business oriented self improvement class. Now all 20 have quit Revco Fittings. About five moved to Ohio to Honda jobs, five to elsewhere in Michigan, and 10 went to community college, including secretary Trisha McAllister and foreman Matt Thompson, both 44 and original Revco employeees from the 20 year old company.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Area Man Wears New Jeans

Omaha, NE -- Area man, no name given, was about to leave the house with NEW jeans, also 20% stronger than his last pair. His college age daughter Martha thankfully caught him just as he left for work from the kitchen to the garage. She had stayed overnight for mom's birthday but no longer lives in the house.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Area Banjoist Invents Weird Ass Bass Tuning

Cedar Rapids, IA -- Area banjoist "Bill", who plays in all local bluegrass outfits has also expanded to playing bass in country bands. He claims he had a hard time at first, but then moved the bass high string to the spot where his thumb would play it and where the lowest string normally is. This way he can play the high bass notes with a thumb or thumb pick. Some of the other strings are also changed but he is not giving details at this time. "It works for me," he claims. The band does not really care, as long as he plays the root note of the chord often enough to keep the song in shape.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Bear Coordinator bans Kentucky Bear Hunting

Frankfort, KY – Following the recent events surrounding federal law and stepping on Kentucky toes for marriage licences, State Bear Coordinator Sally Field, 45, has picked up the courage to announce there will be no bear hunting permits. She claims to be troubled by the killing of bears and is a vegtarian herself. She and her lesbian partner Myra have closed the office and made life safe for the 500-700 bears in the state. Hikers and travelers are allowed to carry weapons. This is Kentucky after all. And they are allowed to shoot a bear that attacks them. But they will then surrender the carcass to the state and the crime scene will be thorougly investigated. Rifle scopes and such will not be permitted. Also, shooting a bear a hunter ”thought was a deer” will carry a stiff fine. Sally and her partner will be out in the field working to protect mother bears and their cubs.

Sally has no authority to ban hunting completely and her decision does not get the backing of university ecologists. However, she is an elected official and the hunters will need the Kentucky legislature or the next ballot fo remove her.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Americans Saved From Army Ants By Aerial Devices Over Jungle

Limon, Costa Rica – Aerial tram, zipline and suspension bridge operators and tour organizers are hanging and zipping hundreds of American over the Veragua Rain Forest every day. The eco-adventure can be a thrill and avoids some rainforest challenges faced on the ground.

Should any of the tourists, especially the elderly and weak, fall off the tram, they would be devoured by army ants underneath before rescue teams arrive.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Kia Team Names New Vehicle

Seoul, Korea -- Having produced cars and SUVs with names like Sportage and Spectra, ad team and marketing heads scratched their heads for a full day. Brainstorming sessions and catered lunches were served. Legal had searches done on the ten final candidates.

The vehicle is a cross between a four-door car, a hatch back and an SUV. The team voted on the names and came up with the winner: Kia Ambiguity.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Area Man Can't Decide Between British Shows

Madison, WI -- Allan Marx, 39, was shopping for videos to watch with his pregnant wife Kathy, who is now on pregnancy leave till the blessed event in September. They watch a lot of BBC and other UK shows. He knows they are missing one season of New Tricks with Amanda Redman. They do not care for her replacement in a later season, though they watched that season too. But he thinks they have only watched three seasons of Lewis, so this 6th might be a sure bet. But he still can't decide. He is still waiting in the cafe at Barnes and Noble for Kathy's text approving one. The rest of the time till the baby they have a bunch of BBC historical shows that

Allan does not really care for on Netflix. He had a regular coffee and is now nibbling on a snack with ice water. The Netlix and DVDs are working well now, and they can watch them when the baby is asleep. Allan is still worried about his sports. He likes to watch them live. Maybe some kind of headphone radio for the sports? In case he is changing a diaper or something.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Scrapbooker Makes Album of Evil Ex-Husband

Milwaukee, WI -- Scrap-booker and health teacher Maryanne Kowalski, 37, started on a scrap book and photo album of her life with her ex husband. Toward the end she added some wrinkles and beard stubble and some beer cans with Photo Shop. 

In a brilliant move she took a photo of Ozzy and his daughter, was it Kelly? Anyway she put her ex and her daughter Pam into those clothes and that hair. 

Maryanne does not need therapy to get on with life. When she is done with the album, she puts it in the attic and is done with exes. For now. She has been photoshopping some potential boyfriends into family photos. 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Area Wino Has All Conveniences

Kansas City, MO -- Area wino "Al", 63, has really all the conveniences he could ask. For half a year he has a hang out under a bridge, with passing bicyclists to wave to. They follow the canal that flows under the bridge. In winter Al is mostly indoors.
Sometimes he takes his shirt off if he sits at a nearby bench. Only when it's 85F, not 90F. His rooming house is near by. On his way to Mum's Liquor Store he passes the bridge and on the way back he stops under the bridge with the promised beer of the week on sale. It don't make any difference as long as it's not Bud Light. Al and sometimes a friend sit at the far end of the space. You can almost stand up there, but you have to watch your head getting out.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Windows 10 Removes Owner as User

Columbia, MO -- A user updated his (single male, 60's, no name given) Windows 7 desk top PC to Windows 10.  The upgrade kept several Users on the machine, guests and visiting children and a grandchild. But it removed the man himself. The User had no password and the username was apparently suspicious. Gone are his opera recordings that he did not back up from iTunes and most family pictures. He had managed to burn CDs of pictures prior to 2012.
The man is now busy recovering poor resolution pictures from his and his friends' Facebook and Photobucket accounts.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Area Songwriter Not Sure How Many Cigarettes He Brought Along

Edinburgh, Scotland -- Area songwriter Ian, 35, arrived at a gig with two cigarettes, but he was pretty sure he had two more stashed away in the guitar case. "Perhaps I can write a song about it?"

"On the other hand, young people don't smoke anymore! They pop pills and drink energy drinks. There is no song in that!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Cousin Not Impressed by Peru Slides

Cedar Rapids, IA -- Area traveler Paul Johnson, 23, just returned from a two week trip to South America. most of it was rugged hiking, with some nights spent in tents on mountain sides. The highlight of the tour was Machu Picchu in Peru. They were looking at the slides on Paul's laptop.

Paul's cousin Meghan, 12, asked if he did a zip line.
-It's a historical site. They don't do zip lines at Machu Picchu.
-Well then, did you do hanging bridges in a rain forest?

At that the slide show continued with detail of daily chores and trials. Meghan slipped out to get a Diet Coke from the kitchen. But she never came back. She was found there texting two hours later.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Soybean Farmer Hates Soy Sauce

Mason City, IA -- Soybean farmer Floyd Collins, 48, says he can eats some things made out of soybeans. "I had some of that tofu once. It was edible. The women tried to make something from soy flour once. We'll just stick to wheat, thanks. But that soy sauce! How can anyone eat that!"

Most of what Floyd grows goes to food processing. Some of it is used domestically for margarine in the form of soybean oil. The rest goes mostly to cattle feed.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Empty CD case with Woodstock written on it found

Buffalo, NY -- Area man Stan was going through his 800 rock CDs and located one empty case next to Hot Tuna on the shelf.
"I don't know what that is. The Woodstock soundtrack is at the end with the collections. It's not Hot Tuna at Woodstock, because there was just Airplane then. Maybe it was Jimi at Woodstock? That would have been under H, as Hendrix. Maybe I put some other stuff on it to fill up 80 minutes, It could be I did not have all the Hendrix tracks anymore."

With that, Stan seemed to be satisfied. There was no Hendrix at Woodstock in the discs after the Hot Tuna. Hendix seems to be filed after Hot Tuna. Oh well.