Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Trump Buys Mexico

In a surprise move during his meeting with President Enrique Peña Nieto, Trump ended up buying Mexico. At first he had offered to buy just the hotels in the Yucatan peninsula as well as Cancun airport. However, with 5 billion dollars of his own money and about 250 investors, Trump was able to buy all of Mexico. A female Mariachi band was brought in to celebrate the signing.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Trump Voters Profiled

Trump voters leave dog poop and beer cans!

In a nationwide study, 100% of Trump voters leave dog poop on streets and trails. Democrats were found to sonetimes leave beer cans where they partied or fished during the weekend (20%). Trump voters (100%) leave the cans as a rule. "It gives somebody a job with the city, right? My tax dollars at work" noted Tom, 28, from Idaho.

In a related study, students on University of Wisconsin (Madison) and Colorado campuses (political science senior projects) took up an unusual study. They went to area bars and surveyed bar patrons for voting plans and then followed their toilet habits. Yes, some stalking was required and inspection of stalls.

 It was found that Trump voters were not the worst violators. Those voting for Libertarian Gary Johnson accounted for 55% of non-flushers and the remaining 45% were Trump supporters.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Area Man No Longer "Fixing" Stuff on Internet

Corvallis, OR- Area man Bill Whitlock, 38, is no longer fixing things on the Internet. Not facts, numbers, data, politics, history, anything.

"I used to complain to Amazon about faulty item descriptions. I would contact the independent sellers, after that. Neither could do anything. Binoculars with an 8x42 size would add inches after it. It's got nothing to do with inches. The 42 is in mm and the 8 is just the magnification. But shit, if the people found the item, and have no clue, or are too lazy to Google it to see the real data, from the maker of this product, or other sources, I don't give a fuck anymore."

With that, Bill left the apartment with his dog and left us to type up this bit of mundane life in this century where 500 channels on cable show you complete crap.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Area Vultures Relaxing, Send Out Scout

Nebraska -- On one of the many reservoirs in Nebraska, vultures were all perched on the device that handles water levels at the dam. One was sent out to seek food. "If it's a bunny, just eat it, but a cat might feed two or three."

The rest took in the sun on this Thursday morning. All nesting is finished now.

Finnish Waiter Forced To Serve Customer

Helsinki -- Area waiter Erkki was doing his job arranging tables and getting things a little in order after the lunch crowd had left. Then some tourist walked in around 2PM and wanted a window table. it's somewhere behind the round structure at the end.

Erkki seated the middle aged man speaking American English, but probably from Germany. He brought some silverware and a napkin from a nearby table and then left. It was time for Erkki's break. Erkki spent 20 minutes in the street for a smoke. Minna was still inside as well as the cook staff.

Erkki hung his windbreaker on a hook and looked at the stock market on his cell phone. He had some income stashed away from his previous job as a journalist. Then he looked at Trump's last tweets. There were some sport scores coming in as well.

After going to the rest room and washing his hands with care, Erkki returned to see what the customer might want. The customer was standing around the terrace with his things at the table."I'm ready to take your order now, sir," offered Erkki cheerfully.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Trump Staff Stumped

Looking for the problem this week, going into Trump's last three three months of campaigning, the staff was unable to explain what happened. Looking for a culprit, only Trump was found.

Comments at the last staff meeting, without Trump present.

- Now that we have him reading the teleprompter, he seems to have lost the last bit of charisma that he had for the followers.

- Can we kind of schedule some slots in there where it just says IMPROVISE and a topic or word to go on?

- He kind of sounds like George Bush, but a few Believe me's added.

-Here's the stuff that worked:
"Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?"

"I’ve been treated very unfairly by this judge. Now, this judge is of Mexican heritage. I'm building a wall, OK? I'm building a wall." 

"We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated."

"We're gonna bring businesses back. We're gonna have businesses that used to be in New Hampshire, that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire, and you can tell them to go f**k themselves. Because they let you down, and they left!" 

-What about New Hampshire? Can we work on that? Can we just buy that state?

-Can we do something with pick up trucks?

Can we spin some more of these Sarah Palin stream of conscience things? Like:

“The LGBT community, the gay community, the lesbian community — they are so much in favor of what I’ve been saying over the last three or four days. Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me — who’s your friend, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?" 

-what have you got, Bob?
-I got...nothing. Florida?

-Any wild ideas? Anything!

-Gene Simmons to introduce him at every stop, in full KISS outfit. I hear he has small hands, he might do it. Or Ted Nugent, if Gene turns us down.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Area Dickcissel Eating Bugs Without Identification First

Saunders Co NE -- An area dickcissel born this summer is munching on plant matter and insects just to fill his stomach. His parents, particularly his dad, identified every dragonfly by its Latin name before feeding it to the kids. Now the youngster just does not bother. He ate some kind of "locust" just minutes ago.

Can you give it some thought? What color was it?
Bird: Yellow.

And you've eaten those before.
Bird: Yup.

Maybe it was in the Chortophaga family?
Bird: Sounds familiar.

Like this?

Chortophaga fasciata maybe? They grow in Nebraska.

Bird: Could be. Nice talking to you. I gotta go. Dragonflies.

We did not think they catch dragonflies, more of a seed eater sparrow type of bird. We think he's after more locusts. The slow ones.