Monday, December 30, 2013

Bachelor Throws Out Sock

Erie, PA -- Area bachelor Eric Maitz, 29, has been hoping to recover the pair of the dark sock for two months. "No luck, I live alone and I have used all the other clothing by now. It's not going to be inside a sweater." Eric figures the sock was lost at his girlfriend's and he's not going to call her about a sock. He wants to leave a good impression, even though she
dumped him. "I had packed a t-shirt, boxer shorts and those socks I guess over that one weekend I spent there." Or maybe the missing sock was one he wore and kicked under her bed. Socks don't make good rags, especially if they are not cotton.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Fall Of 1962: Guitar Groups On Their Way Out

The Beatles had recorded six songs by Oct 1962. By November Please Please Me was redone, for 63 release.

Guitar groups were on their way out and your name is ICKY. And Liverpool is for hicks.

Capitol was rejecting nearly all records from London. And Parlophone. Cliff Richard was slightly known in the US but no big seller. Capitol in Hollywood did release one Parlophone record: Mrs Mills at the piano with singalong music. It sold about 100 copies.

THE BEACH BOYS had recorded an entire album in Oct of 1962. And Capitol released it, all 25 minutes of it. Surfin Safari was a minor hit.

The Beatles were unaware of it, though they followed New York and Motown records pretty closely.

It took another year and by Jan 1964 a song was released, with February national TV( Ed Sullivan Show) coverage,  I Want To Hold Your Hand was released by Capitol. Hand holding music from England had arrived. Perhaps Capitol was going to cover two guitar groups from this point on.

Kari had heard of the Beatles by 1963, but having never bought records, took it slowly. It was not till 1964 when he spent some money meant for model trains and parts for three singles on Finnish Parlophone. He may have been 11 by the time these records were in hand. English was a foreign language but some of the sounds were easy, like Help and Twist he certainly knew, but not Shout.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Songwriter Walking The Floor Over Her

Nashville -- Area songwriter Earl ”Mac” Davis has a had a hard time writing songs since his Bob Seger song failed. His last girlfriend Elsie left three months ago and he did get the Empty House song out of that.

Now he has a new girlfriend Maggie who is a flight attendant. She was working the weekend and won't be back till Monday. They will have Christmas together. The food is in Earl's freezer, they just have to defrost and heat it. She'll be home the 24th and they will have the dinner together. Then after presents on the 25th she is off again to Milwaukee and some third place and back, so most of Christmas Earl will be walking the floor over her again, till late at night.

earl used to follow flight tracker on her flights the first week of their relationship, but all he could do is look at the screen and drink coffee. Earl has only flown once to Orlando and back.

"There's gotta be a song here, but I don't write songs about women I'm still with," remarked Earl.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Grandma Posts First Ever FB Photo

Lima, OH -- Grandma June, 75, managed to take a picture of all her grandkids who came to visit. She had her own picture on the FB page, but her daughter had put that in. "I made an album called Album and then I just uploaded a picture from one of them electronic things that looks flat and comes out of the camera. I was so excited." She does not usually take it out even, just takes it to Walgreens to develop ten or twenty prints.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Lump Of Coal Or Worse

Saint Nicholas comes from a long line of legends. In Finland Joulupukki would bring presents, but the bad kids got a beating from him. In other places this job is subcontracted to a side kick. 

In Switzerland Santa is known as Samichlaus in the German speaking parts of the country.  This sidekick is Schmutzli in the German part of the country and Père Fouettard  in French. He carries a broom of twigs to administer punishment to children who have not been bad.

In othe places in Europe, the assistant is Čert or Knecht ruprecht’ or Zwarte Piet (lowest pic) who carries you to hell or Spain in a sack. Merely showing the sack might help the bad kids survive another year.

Krampus is seen riding in the sleigh and  and Schmutzli next to Santa.

God Driving Poorly

Witchita, KS -- On a recent visit to fundamentalist territory to inspect how things were going in person, God had an urge to do stuff humans do, just for the experience.

"Move along folks", said officer O'Connel. God ran into a tree with his Jeep and they have taken him to the nearest hospital. He is expected to recover to an all powerful state in a week. God did not carry health insurance.

He was just testing his free will, and had never taken driver ed. Officer Mitch O'Connel respected him and never asked for a license. The car was a rental and was insured. The credit card was in the name of John H. Smith to a bank in the Bahamas. The credit card payment cleared, but the bank has disappeared. There is not even a building at the given address.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Conspiracy Theorist: Oxygen is "After Me"

Boise, ID -- Area conspiracy theorist David McCallum, 43, has been hoarding guns and supplies for years. He now has decided the government is out to oxidize him. "They are going to use oxygen, so it will be hard to trace."

Mbuti Girl Refuses To Eat Monkey Anymore

Ituri Forest, Congo --  The first Mbuti girl, Bakira, refused to eat monkey on Monday this week. She went and picked some mushrooms instead. Not only is it the first girl to refuse monkey, she is the first to refuse precious protein food ever.

Journalists spoke to the elders in the nearby Lese (farming) village, and located the girl in the Lese village, who has been spreading these crazy ideas to Mbuti and Lese girls. She is the eldest daughter of a village chief and cannot be named due to the shame it would bring. No Lese girl other than her has gone through with the threat, and now just one Mbuti.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Suburban Mother Hides Presents

Des Moines, IA-- Peggy Smith, mother of Alice (10) and Kelly (15) hides a good part of the presents she bought this year for Christmas. Her sister Gladys, and family, are flying from Buffalo to spend Christmas with them. They will only bring selected small size presents for their children, aged 4 and 8. Peggy will certainly hide a new PS4 as well as hand held game devices. She could only obtain one copy of that sold out item for Alice through her brother in law Carl, who works at a games store. Both sisters will select gifts for the shared unwrapping event based on strict criteria. Peggy feels Gladys' gifts are too educational and Gladys thinks Peggy buys her children "mindless crap." The husbands will unwrap sensible clothing items.