Sunday, December 31, 2017

Trump orders NSF to initiate and fund Phlogiston study

President Trump has been reading old texts in French and English written by Priestly and Lavoisier in the late 1700s about this so called oxygen. Trump found astounding errors in their measurements. "These studies are wrong and are all related to the greatest errors in chemistry. There is no oxygen. Even the FDA has faked all the formulas of drugs. I want this fake science exposed. Do the phlogiston study again!"

The president is so smart that he immediately saw that this is the right way to think about science:

The metals are obviously produced when fire acts on earth, or top soil minerals. Every foundry works based on that. "I want that study on my desk at the end of February and the seal of the NSF attached to it."

After this President Trump wants alchemy revived and we will be making gold out of lead in no time- make America great again, with gold!

Thursday, December 21, 2017

The President is a Winner

Having pulled off a stunt nobody expected, President Trumped has slashed the taxes of the rich and has given a few crumbs for the middle class and basically nothing to the poor, since they really don't pay much tax. The debt is going to increase, but that is the Democrats' problem.

The president was going around the White House acting cocky and shaking hands and all around friendly. He has not been seen for weeks or months that way.

His rejoicing was reminiscent of his wrestling days:

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Mom washes perfectly clean shirts

Kirkwood, MO -- Mom washes clean shirts after camping. Scott Tanenbaum, 12, had no idea which were the clean socks or underwear, but he was sure he did not wear the two plain t-shirts on a scout camping trip over the week end. They camped at a cabin owned by an Illinois scout troop. Mom Kathy washed all the clothes found in Scott's day pack, as they smelled of smoke and generally "outdoorsy". Besides, they were in the same pack with a pair of soggy, muddy socks.

The washed shirt was a bit damp, so it was hanging on the exercise bike in the basement.

Scott had planned to wear the plain red one to school. He has a complicated color scheme he follows through the week, depending on the occasion. “Where is my red shirt, mom?” It was in the basement, just like mom said.

Confident Roy Moore packing Monument to take to Washington

On the eve of the Alabama special election, judge Roy Moore's staff was packing up the Ten Commandment monument to send to Washington:

It will be displayed in his office at the Senate office building. Or perhaps even in the common area of his floor.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Trump wants NASA to send probe to infinity and beyond!

After reading reports of the Rocket Man's last missile, Trump was surprised that the missile went so high. "It's really really really high, thousands of kilometers." This got the president thinking. After lunch and two Diet Cokes he asked to speak "to the head guy at NASA." In the conversation he said he would get funding for a new project. He wanted them to send "something" out to space, really really far. And get a message back from "the thing" near the end of his second term from "really really far."

"Would that be infinity, sir?"
Trump replied he wanted it to go to "infinity and beyond."
"We'll give it a shot. 2024 then?"

Monday, November 27, 2017

Trump Secretly Listening to King Crimson

If this got out, Mike pence would never forgive him. But President Trump is having trouble sleeping more than four hours. The diet pills do that. Tweeting only takes so much time. Once a week Trump pulls out a portable CD player and his precious Japanese pressings of the King Crimson catalog.

He then pours an ounce of red wine and sips a part of it while listening to these classic progressive rock albums. The president has no fancy tastes in food, he will eat chicken from a bucket. But while he pretends to listen to brass bands on patriotic occasions, this is what he really loves. He never listens to the lyrics much, he absorbs the sound with his full body.

If things really get bad during the day and Trump has a tantrum, he has been led to his quarters to relax. He listens to the song Islands by King Crimson then.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Trump entertains golfers with Blackhawk

While vacationing at Mar-a-Lago, President Trump had military things on his mind. He had been talking with the generals during the week. Did you know that fighter jets are almost invisible?

While golfing, the president had arranged for a Blackhawk to land nearby. His foursome climbed into the helicopter. It was so cool. The pilots let Trump sit in a pilot seat and turn some of the controls with the rotor spinning slowly. "Did you know the rotor blades change angle when they spin around?" he asked Tiger Woods. Tiger gave him some of the basic principles of the helicopter from Sikorsky. "Yeah, it's terrific, using science for really terrific stuff! Not like that useless NASA."

The golfers took a short flight around Mar-a-Lago and landed back on the same spot. Trump announced he was going to sell some more Blackhawks to Turkey so they they can control the Kurds better. "It's just the basic version the army uses, those run about six million dollars."

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Chaos at Birdlife Federation meeting

Tampa-- participants had gathered to present posters describing bird and habitat programs from their states at a Tampa conference center and hotel. The event had a poster session describing current programs and the funding for these state and national efforts.

A day was devoted for birding together. Some participants had not birded Florida before. "Nice birds, but it's not like in the prairie. Wait till you see our snow buntings, longspurs and horned larks next year." The meeting will be in the Black Hills next year. Some East coast birders were not particularly impressed by this list. "They are not really interesting. They just scrape the ground for seeds."

On the third day, awards were presented for posters and the funds were announced for the most promising habitat work. Neither prairies or forests won this year. The money went to wetland preservation in two states. At this point all hell broke loose and the participants losing funding for the first time (Organizers blamed an election year in 2016 for loss of funding. People were not interested in donating to "all kinds of things."). The winning poster was knocked over at the presentation and they apparently trashed the common area in the hotel.

The local Fox station did a short piece on it, concluding that "we did not know people could be so passionate about rather useless public land and its conservation."

Friday, November 3, 2017

President offers Beautiful Present

Donald Trump is promising the tax cuts will pass, a beautiful Christmas present for all

There will presents for Trump

As well as presents for his faithful followers:

Monday, October 30, 2017

Trump voter finds Democrat elitist

Kalamazoo, MI -- Area Trump voter Bill McCallum, 32, finds his Democrat neighbor Garrison Whitley to be a bit "big for his breeches". He means that Garrison is elitist, looking down his nose at Bill and his barely literate family.

"Garrison finds everything in books. He drives down to Battle Creek and buys the book, if his garage has a wasp nest he has to remove. Well, he might google that. But you get the idea. All he had to do was drive to the hardware and get the wasp spray that sprays 30 feet away."

You don't have books in your house?

"No, we have cable. And my wife got Hulu."

Your kids don't have school books?

"They are in middle school. I tell them to leave the books at school."

Garrison reads books to his kids. He has even read some to your kids when they were small, before Trump.

(blank looks)

So back to this election, books are what you are against? That is why Hillary can't help you?

"No, she can't help me, she is too....what was your word...elitist."

OK, then, that clears that up.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Enterprising Galilean Finds Niche Market

Galilea, ca. 30 AD -- Enterprising Galilean Moshe Joseph has been hanging out where Jesus and his followers preach and heal. 

After the famous entourage leaves, Moshe has been hanging out to sell coal tar products for those that did not have the nerve to be cured by miracles.

Asked about guarantees, Moshe explains: "If you are near death, go to Jesus. Otherwise, my coal tar remedies are more cost effective. You can take them home to your sick relatives. Or I can have them delivered. Money back one year guarantee. Some ailments need repeated application."

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Trump Right Hand Taking over

Whenever Trump addresses groups or appears on TV, his right hand does a lot of the body language.

The right hand has shown more libertarian tendencies. It it the hand that wields power and is on a plan to wreck Federal Government. It has signed executive orders. The right hand is also the one that has grabbed the genitalia of women Trump had just met.

Trump's left hand on the other hand is the one he uses to tousle the hair of his offspring and the one he used to caress Melania when they still slept in the same bed.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Trumpeter needs only three riffs!

With keyboards producing many sounds, a lot of studio sessions are played by keyboard players. But if a session needs a more acoustic sound, such as a stand up bass and a jazz drummer, Doc Carson, trumpeter for 50 years, may get a gig.

For the snappier modern hits or pop songs, only three riff are needed by Doc. These short bits just go for a few bars. For a longer solo, Doc usually works on a variant of the song melody.

The riffs are:
1. The ta-ta-dat-ta-da-ta-ta-taa riff from Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash
2. The only slightly different riff from Message to You Rudy by The Specials
3. A slightly trickier riff Doc adapted from a Paul McCartney bass line. it has a bigger range of notes than the other riffs.

Doc has played these riffs in hundreds of sessions and only once did someone reject one as the "Johnny Cash riff."

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Trump presidency producer urges switch to Survivor model

An unnamed producer of the TV extravaganza that is in fact masquerading as the Trump presidency has nodded approval to the next phase of the show. The Trump cabinet will move on to a Survivor type of format.

Cabinet members will be allowed to vote and there will be difficult tasks to perform. However, the cabinet shall never be entirely empty, as vacant seats will be filled from within the White House.

This change was brought about by a sort of boredom that is taking over the Trump "presidency" and the interest it holds to the general public. Trump base voters, like Duck Dynasty fans, are hanging on to his every word and drinking a lot of Bud Light. But the general public is no longer bringing in the advertising dollars and has drifted on to a sort of numbness on Trump and all things related to Washington DC.

Friday, October 6, 2017

"President" Trump acting like he has presidential powers

Washington -- Donald Trump, who signed a contract with a number of "news" websites and TV networks prior to the 2016 election has done a remarkable job acting as if he were the autocratic ruler of the free world. Things may get a little heated on the planet for a few months before the unqualified imposter is removed from office. Just this week he met with generals and gave sketchy news conferences where he hinted at some international action.

Trump handlers have been able to prevent a few of the worst disasters, but as the pretend president holds some actual powers, a missile or two were already launched to impress foreign leaders. According to the script, the hired reality show host was just supposed to have dinner with them. Touching and kissing the women leaders and wives of male leaders was supposed to help ratings. It rarely has worked out.

Mr Trump is better controlled on the golf course, where a handler is able to drive him around. A semi truck with a psychiatric clinic inside is standing by and the golf cart can be driven inside it any time that Trump needs treatment for his sociopathy and other unstable states.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The Trump Situation

General Kelly has taken this challenge calmly and will work at it as long as it last. In his heart, he hopes to stay the three four years but not not with Trump. When that man walks into the Situation Room...

...General Kelly is prepared. First they deal with the tweets, the Trump Situation. After that, Puerto Rico, North Korea and maybe even Putin. Though Trump has often walked out when Putin comes under discussion. "Let me hear how that works out, but I will not sign anything today."

Monday, September 25, 2017

Bachelor Improves Vegetarian Paella

Jim Gordon, 29, of Worcester Massachusetts found a package of paella bought from Target maybe a year ago when there were some girls sharing his apartment.

"Yeah, I had to eat it finally. We had a picnic outside on the patio and I had grilled some brats and hot dogs. There were only hot dogs left. I put the whole thing in a frying pan and warmed it. After I defrosted the paella."

It looks a lot better than out of the box but he ate it before he remembered to take a picture of his accomplishment. Here is the frozen food in its paper bowl.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

The Casady-Kaukonen Health Plan

With the Graham-Cassidy healthcare plan failing, Hot Tuna bassist Jack Casady and partner Jorma Kaukonen have offered the GOP a libertarian plan for our healthcare. Why should the Federal Government limit our freedoms? "We know you have libertarians among you”, remarked Jack. “If you don't want this, we'll go to Sanders with it."

With many people suffering health care issues, the Casady plan will offer not "single payer" but single treatment: weed. Weed will be provided at low cost or free for all ailments.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Dad still listening to Herb Alpert and Finnish jazz

Our dad was listening to real old stuff, like even a couple years before him. That Herb Alpert stuff.

Then we had a Finnish exchange student from Pietarsaari for a year. He went home and for at least ten years Jaakko sent dad Finnish jazz. Stuff like this.

The thing is, he will play some easy listening stuff from Sirius satellite radio when he drives. But he never buys music. It's this stuff over and over. He gets better headphones and devices but never changes his music. Weird, huh?

Trump to spray Mexican mosquitoes with DDT

This conspiracy must stop! President Trump has found out that DDT was banned for no good reason. The insects have been multiplying for decades and now are bringing in the Zika virus. They must be stopped. With the EPA on its last legs, this should be an easy task.

The first thing we will do is pay the chemical giants for making the required metric tons of the material. No Chinese DDT will be used.

Then American pilots will spray along the the border and the wall. The wall itself will be harnessed to spray DDT on the Mexican side daily. Until then, planes will be used.

Golf courses around the country will be freed of mosquitoes after that.

Friday, September 8, 2017

It was going so well for the GOP, then hurricanes!

It was all going so well for the GOP. Nothing was getting passed. Passed bills mean spending. The Republicans do not mind failing, as long as no money is spent as a result. Now silly Trump goes on to pass hurricane relief and, by God, also breaking the debt ceiling! This is unacceptable!

From this point on, the GOP leaders will not pass any bill, whatever it deals with, unless it includes spending cuts or tax cuts.

There will be no exceptions to this rule!

Saturday, August 26, 2017

39 Million of 40 million seller album Rumours now at dumps around the world

With digital media taking over, hit albums of the 70s and 80s and 90s are now collecting at the dump. Some remain as CDs at homes, but as baby boomers die, they too will go to the dump.

Taking an example, investigators found very few copies of Rumours in Des Moines, Iowa, a test city that bought over 10 000 copies as LP and CD. In used vinyl stores, 3 copies were found. At a Saturday flea market and garage sale round up, ten CDs were located. As we said, nearly 90% of the 10 000 are the dump.

Many owners of CDs have given up the medium as they discover that Best Buy has maybe one CD player model that plugs in to the old "strereo". Clock radios with CD player remain more popular.

The CDs are simply collecting dust. Few customers ever try to play the CDs in their DVD player or home theater. Those are left for playing concert videos and 5.1 surround sound DVDs, which were never a major market.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Extremely Comprehensive Prog Collection Lacks Name

London -- 

The work of Trevor Carlyle, 42, an extensive 10 CD collection of progressive rock hits and obscurities has been ready for manufacture for two months. The problem, from marketing, legal and compiler standpoints, has been a name for the collection. "It is extremely comprehensive and well remastered and the liner notes are without parallel in the industry. But we just do not seem to capture the feel of the collection. It's both Hits and Nuggets," Trevor explains. He was able to get Rush live, doing La Villa Strangiato, and pretty much all the bands except Pink Floyd.

The company lawyers will just name it "Pillars of Prog", if no new name comes forth before September first.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Nebraska, The Last Stand Against the Transcanada Crude Tarsand Oil Pipeline

(This post is not satire. Read the ones before and after for entertainment)
This week hearings will be held with the state public service commission, 4 Republicans and one Demorcrat, and one judge deciding on the route of the pipeline. About 500 came to demonstrate on Sunday. It will be a miracle if the commission rules against it, as they always go with business. This time the pipe will be a burden on the state once the oil stops flowing, and even before as it leaks. The environmental permit Transcanada has is worthless, it has no guarantees and no setup for cleanup. This will probably not be considered by the judge who rules on a very narrow set of factors.

The event was organized by Jane Kleeb of The last word cuts off, so just go to the next video by Randy Thompson.

Many locals understand the problems the pipeline brings to the state overall and our clean water rights. The pipe goes through sand, through which the heavy oil will sink to the water table. The pipe is buried 4 foot deep, so small leaks will be unseen. Our rights as a state and its citizens should overrule the 90% of landowners willing to risk their future for a lot of money that will help out in the short run. We can give them tax breaks if they need it to farm.

Some sort of eminent domain process will take the land from the rest of the farmers. it is not clear why, as foreign corporations cannot normally use that.

People were marching around two blocks and returned to the capitol:

Even the small 60 plus year old woman gets her voice heard.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Starlings Join Welfare State

At a zoo in North America, several starlings have made their way into a zoo aviary.

There the starlings get free food with the ibises and other zoo birds. The aviary has a couple of nest holes, though the starling community only has three adults now. The rest are their offspring.