Saturday, June 24, 2017

Republicans still divided on how to deny Americans health insurance

The Freedom Caucus did their work, now the Senate is about to vote on this historic measure, which will take us pretty much back to the pre-Obama era of no control and denying all sick patients a plan at all. Back then, when you lost everything, you got Medicaid. That is pretty much history now. The only coverage that will remain is for the urban poor to deliver babies. Contraceptives are not covered.

In particular, Senator Rand Paul is taking care of his state, looking through the records and erasing every possible claim to be in the Medicaid plan.

Many can see through the thinly veiled plan for 2020. President wants the 3 million people that voted for Hillary dead by then. How exactly will he know the 3 million that she had in excess over those voting for him? "We have people working on that." Whether it is Trump or Pence running in 2020, Trump wants those people dead.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Trump Bans Federal Water Coolers

These water coolers must go! We have coolers here in DC at the Smithsonian and outdoors and they are all free. We can't have free water anymore, as it favors all the city people. The same will apply at all federal buildings except for those inside national parks. You have paid admission there, so you get water.

I've arranged for a contractor to install water at all these sites and we will be phasing the water coolers out in two years. The vending device will be either a cup type, costing you about ten cents,or bottled water. The ten cent cups will be paper. These will stand next to the cooler for the time being, I will arrange for school groups visiting parks and museums to get free water, but the rest of you will have to pay.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Melania sent for new Trump belt

Having spent a few days in the White House, it got to be Monday, and Trump immediately asked Melania tio get him a belt as soon as possible. "A belt? You have about five. Or you did in January."

She buys them all at a shop a short limo ride from Trump Tower. It now turned out all five had been worn out at the last hole. You know how it goes, the belt is fine except for the one spot where you always keep it. Except after dinner you might try the next hole. Trump has no next hole. Well, it's there, but quite ripped. Steve Bannon fixed that spot with black duct tape. he has lots in his office. We wonder what he does with it.

Melania googled and found some belts at the nearby Target. They have numbered sizes, as well as a helpful L, XL and XXL label.

So she got in the limo and stopped there plus a men's shop not far away from Target, though it was close to the slum already.  DC is very urban.

Melania came back with the belts and Trump ran off with the best two and kised her lightly. She attempted a smile.

Later Melania went to the kitchen and asked for some details on what food was sent up. At certain times of the day they send a bag of Lay's chips and two diet Cokes. It appears Trump has been consuming the chips in one sitting. He may or may not be watching Fox or looking at Twitter during these binges.

Friday, June 9, 2017

James fucking Comey cleared Trump!

Didn't you snow flakes hear the testimony? Trump may be a liar but he's not been under investigation!

Now we can get on with making government small and get rid of ALL federal regulations! Air bags? Lets the air bag makers compete on the FREE market for the best air bag. No regulation needed. Money for NASA to study climate change? You must be kidding!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Trump To Privatize The National Weather Service

President Trump says he wants to privatize The National Weather Service.

" I want NASA in space. not doing climate stuff. I think we need the National weather Service for some things, so it can stay. Though I get my weather from Fox and my phone app."

Mr President, they both get their data from The National Weather Service.

"They do? Well, they are going to do weather now, not climate."

Friday, June 2, 2017

Trump Confused about Climate, other than America First

President Trump, your speech writer misquoted the MIT study and the temperature rise of a few degrees Celsius is not trivial in any case. Do you understand what climate is and how climate change is measured?

We're going to put America first as I said many times. No further questions.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

White House has Official Worst Day

The day began badly. Trump complained about the orange juice in his breakfast. Then he got dressed and marched off to meetings.

In these meetings, Trump called for "someone to take notes", then sent the note taker out of the room. Kellyanne Conway had already locked herself in her office before the first meeting took place.

Each member of Trump's staff was in turn sent out of the room. Most of the meetings ended up with only Trump and one person left in the room. His personal assistant was called to bring in items about every five minutes. Each half hour a fresh Diet Coke was brought in. There were twelve diet soda cans in the Oval Office alone at noon.

"Bring me some pigeon feed," yelled Trump at two o'clock. He retreated to the Rose Garden to feed mourning doves for 45 minutes.

Kellyanne Coway left the White House shortly after lunch. Sean Spicer was just hanging out by the limo drivers outside. He has not had a task for days,

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Pirahã people learn one number

Amazona, Brazil – Sent by the state to keep good relations with the  Pirahã people, dance instructor Ricardo  Helio had a hard time teaching a group of fifteen teenagers the samba. The interpreter was not help, telling Ricardo there were no numbers in their language. That pretty much eliminated the foxtrot and waltz as well. Finally, Ricardo remembered a James Brown video. In it Brown hits the cowbell on the ONE of every measure. Soon enough all Pirahã teens were yelling ONE! on time. Not all could keep up with two three and four, but all managed the ONE!

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Republican Thinks Democrats Should Get Jobs for Insurance

Who do they think they are? Unemployed professors of medieval history, artists, poets, feminists!

I am businessman and a teacher, I started my own private school. You Democrats are just losers, so you will have to work for someone else. Go find a job! Target is hiring, if you think Wal Mart are capitalist pigs. That's how you get insurance. I'm not paying for any of yours now that we have Trump.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Trump Voter Nothing Special

Living his entire life in a small part of Pennsylvania, Sean McCarthy, 29, is not special. He does not qualify for any benefits as part of a minority, and has been incredibly average his whole life.

"I know lots of black people and even Mexicans. I voted for Obama two times with them. But I did not get anything either time."

Sean works for a national chain of stores and makes a living as a fork lift operator. For three months before Obama became president, he was unemployed and had no insurance. Just then he injured his hand doing some roofing work under the table. "My girl friend Diane took me to the ER. They stitched up one hand and the one finger lost a little from the tip. There's no nail on it."

He and Diane got married and he keeps his wedding ring on the right hand that has a complete ring finger. Other than that left hand, there is nothing special about Sean.

Sean was a straight C student in high school, other than a B in sports. He makes just under 20 dollars an hour and Diane has a good job at Hobby Lobby. They do not qualify for food stamps nor would they for the special benefits of Obamacare ( for the poor) that those who cannot pay for the monthly bill get. He is not a member of any sexual or other minority. His TV watching shows the usual sports and TV shows. He does not watch National Geographic or listen to NPR.

Why did you vote for Trump?

"To drain the Swamp. I don't want any of my tax going to Special Interest Groups because I am not special. It's a big swamp."

Sean and Diane attended the Trump rally in Harrisburg and are really fired up for 2020.

What will you do if Trump wins?

"I'll invite him for burgers and Bud Light." He has a gas grill he bought for this summer at Home Depot.

"It was his birthday grill," added Diane.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Dessert first at Mar-a-Lago

Trump was getting frustrated at not getting anything done and having his Executive Orders blocked. The staff came up with an idea to cheer him up. "Write something you always wanted and we will get it passed." Trump blurted out Dessert First!

The policy will be effective immediately at Mar-a-Lago. It will then be implemented at the White House on days when there are no foreign guests at dinner.

"You can place the dessert aside, as dinner will be served ten minutes later. I for one will be eating it first" Trump explained.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Trump Unable to Ban Fluoride

TRUMP (reads): Repeated doses of infinitesimal amounts of fluoride will in time reduce an individual's power to resist domination, by slowly poisoning and narcotising a certain area of the brain, thus making him submissive to the will of those who wish to govern him! What more do you need?

 huge review on fluoride toxicity published by the National Research Council in 2006 reported a range of negative side effects from fluoride, including "decreased melatonin production" and "other effects on normal pineal function, which in turn could contribute to a variety of effects in humans"!

Ban fluoride now! Did you know that  in the United States during the late 1940s and 1950s, and to a lesser extent in the 1960s, activists on the far right of American politics routinely asserted that fluoridation was part of a far-reaching plot to impose a socialist or communist regime. 

STAFF: "But sir, the President does not rule over tap water. The EPA does, remotely, but we let the water quality people go."

TRUMP: Well, bring them back! Numerous studies researched by Harvard and China Medical University in Shanghai have shown that fluoride may be linked to reduced IQ in children, and even suggest that it could be toxic to a developing brain. I just confirmed all that with Xi.

And what about vitamin D in milk? What is it doing in there?

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Republicans torn on how to Screw America

The Republicans involved in Trump's healthcare reform are all pumped about these positive changes to improving the nation's character. The president is offering you a chance to take responsibility of your healthcare.

However, the two ends of the party simply cannot agree how to do this. They are torn between giving Americans almost nothing and nothing at all in the healthcare .

The Christian right has been blunt. Americans who fornicate, take drugs, drink alcohol and smoke drugs and tobacco must pay for their sins! Those who eat too much must pay as well, but as the entire caucus is overweight and half of them have diabetes, some help in that department might be available, A discount for knee replacement may also be possible.

The caucus is all agreed on one thing. They must support tax deductions to pay for care, if there is going to be any support at all, The current subsidies sound too socialist and European. What is coming next if Democrats have their way? Billing by doctors and hospitals that gives flat rates for all procedures? Unheard of! We must support business. An announcement on the final plan is coming within weeks.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Soccer Mom Buys All Sign Stuff from Target

Manchester, MO-- Area soccer mom Alice Long, 45, makes all her Trump protest signs with her kids. Well, except the one she made for her sister who is in college and did not have time to run to Target, The signs are turning out well.

Alice does all her shopping at Target anyway. That and Schnuck's for more groceries. But she would not get the supplies at Hobby Lobby anyway. "I used to work there. They would not pay for my birth control and accused me of not being a Christian."  She had her third and fourth daughters while not being on birth control. Then her husband got a better job that had actual insurance.

Here is the sign for her sister Beth:

Trump buys psychiatric hospital

With advice from family and friends, Trump is taking care of every possible future for himself. While he is picking up conspiracy theories from Alex Jones, he has come up with a few of his own. He has seen a man in a white coat following around at the white house and in Florida. Secret service told him it was the nurse on duty.

However, Trump thinks this is a psychiatrist who is "out to get him." If this were to happen, Trump has bought a psychiatric hospital in upstate New York. It has been emptied of patients but has a doctor and nurse on staff, plus a heavy guard.

Should the facility be called on to service, Trump would be the only patient there. A chef will be hired shortly.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Area Christian names child Luke

Boise, ID --Area Christian names child Luke.

Moses Schmidt, 48, father of Matthew (18), Mark (17), John(16), Rachel(15), Thea(13), Mary (11) and Tiffany (9) decided that their new child was the answer to his prayers for Luke, to complete the Gospel theme. The girl, Luke Catherine Schmidt, was baptized Sunday in a private ceremony at the Schmidt ranch.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Insurance Man Planning New Trump Era Plan

Healthy Person Insurance

Working for Atlantic Mutual, insurance agent Mark O'Connor has boldly entered the insurance market with his Light Insurance plan. This plan will cost 50 dollars a month. That's right, 50 dollars! You get one health check up with no lab work in a year. You also get one bottle of pills up to 50 dollars price. If it's 60, you pay 10 dollars. In addition you get two visits to Walgreens clinics and  one flu  vaccination. We have to take care of the sick and elderly after all! Healthcare in an emergency situations is covered as well. Both ER and hospital care is covered! You pay only the costs in those units that make up the deductible. At this price the deductible will be 100 000 dollars. No elective surgery, vasectomy or cancer treatment is available.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

New Trump Golf Course Near Yellowstone

Due to volcanic activity, Trump personal advisers persuaded him not to place a golf course right inside Yellowstone. "You can build a hotel just on the edge of Yellowstone later," he was told. The sons of Trump were asked to find a better location and file papers so that it can be started in 2020. Trump plans to devote most of his second term to golfing and planning this golf course getaway. The golf course will go right in the middle of the Grand Tetons, replacing the National Elk Refuge.

Trump has had his team lawyers read the Antiquities Act carefully, and it turns out he can do pretty much what he wants with public lands.  He is selling the elk refuge to himself. "We are doing it", said Trump to his sons.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Trump bans agencies from publishing "Bad Things"

Washington DC -- Donald Trump is taking care of the mess. The Obama mess. You just live your lives in your little towns or even Chicago.

Trump wants to hear happy things. He is going to have all his kids and grandkids over for Easter at the White House. Even the grown kids will look for Easter eggs.

As a result of this happy mood Trump signed an executive order. This one commands all federal offices and agencies to publish only HAPPY NEWS. No negative economics, no global warming, no data on gun deaths.

Actually, the last item is already law. Federal agencies cannot study gun deaths and classify them in any meaningful way. Anything anti-gun is already banned. Trump may have forgotten that.

"You can still publish negative stuff on Obamacare," the leader added.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump To Invade Canada

Seeking a distraction from some of the bad press from "fake" media, Donald Trump has decided it is time for our first invasion. The CIA has distanced themselves from Trump, but is on board with him on this mission.

The mission is simple. The volunteers from Trump's secret army will be armed and driving four wheel drive pick ups and some on ATVs. They will invade Canada right next to Lake of the Woods county. Camps will be set up and a temporary fence made around the area that will be claimed. There are some hunting cabins owned by Canadians that will be used as housing as well. The ultimate aim is to have a strip of land 10-20 miles wide to connect the US by land to the NW Angle foerest, which we own but can only get to by boat currently. There are some 4000 residents in the US county at the border.

The area wiil become a popular resort on the shores of the Lake of The Woods complex. Trump will then declare the entire lake as US property for hunting and fishing. Right by the border, the Canadian town of Middlebro (pop unknown) will become part of the USA. Some other parts of the municipality of Piney (pop 1700) will also be annexed.

Mr Trump was inspired to undertake this plan by Putin's annexation of Crimea, which is historically part of Russia, not the Ukraine.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Trump finds bad lump of uranium in golf bag

Palm Beach, Florida -- While vacationing and so called working in Florida, Mr Trump had time to play nine holes of golf. 

It wasn't till the third hole that he noticed the three iron would not go all the way into the golf bag. it was suspicous enough that he had his other golf clubs brought out. The security team emptied the bag and found a small hunk of uranium ore in it. Trump had been touching the club that had been exposed to uranium.

Uranium is bad. Trump knows all about it.

 “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things. But nobody talks about that.”

It appears that it may have been there for years, as Trump remembers some sort of rocks falling in there when he golfed in Utah.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Trump deports EPA, Fish and Wildlife to Canada

Unhappy with the "socialist" thinking in the EPA, and the concern for animals at the US Fish and Wildlife, Trump announced both departments will be deported to Canada.

I had the heads of both departments come over to the White House and neither seemed to understand it's America First from now on. Either they are unpatriotic or treasonous.

In dicussions with the prime minister last week, I found out they have lots of room and lots of air. The EPA will measure air and they can count all the fish they like in Labrador, their new home. Termination packages will be two weeks pay for any employees who do not wish to go.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Fake News about Russia!

There was never anything!  This will be over in days. We will get back to deporting 8 million illegal Mexicans.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump 2h2 hours ago
The fake news media is going crazy with their conspiracy theories and blind hatred. @MSNBC & @CNN are unwatchable. @foxandfriends is great!
15,677 replies 9,167 retweets 32,910 likes

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Trump To Protect Americans

"With all this rioting going on and tons of illegal aliens pouring in and Muslims, we had to take action. I authorize local police to use any force necessary to contain these violent elements until I can send in the National Guard."

"We need to protect America from Americans!"

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Trump Not Hiring Fake McCartney

Donald Trump is already planning some fancy balls past his 100 days. "Melania and my son will be joining me soon enough at the White House. We all get to pick a concert for my first four years. I'm going to get a Nobel Prize winner, Dylan. he and I will both have Nobel prizes by two years from now, but he is getting old, so maybe this Fourth of July?"

"But Paul McCartney will never play in the White House. Because that was the fake Paul playing for Obama."

"I have the latest research from Francesco Gavazeni in Wired magazine of 2009 that proves it. He did facial reconstruction of photos from many years, Paul died in November of 1966. The Beatles carried on for a while but broke up because the fake Paul could not get along with John. And I never liked Yoko, either."

Friday, February 3, 2017

Rock pigeon declared endangered species by Executive Order

Thinking back to the calming purring calls of pigeons in his youth, when he would take walks in Central Park with his nanny, Donald Trump declared rock doves an endangered species.

They are not in danger from anyone, and they nest in cities world wide.

"Come on, the passenger pigeon went extinct. A pigeon is  a pigeon. It could go anytime"

Those were shot to extinction by hunters.

"That's your alternative fact."

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

You are all fired!

Fed up with roadblocks in his way to make America great again, Donald Trump has contacted all your employers and has fired you.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Trump team working on Executive Order on Bats. Or Birds.

The Trump team working on drafting executive orders to be signed by Trump on Monday got busy with an easier task, something to draw the press away from immigrants.

“Maybe something with birds or bats,” the President suggested. He was not sure what federal department to attack with this.

That would be the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. The number one issue with bats is white nose disease.

“Yes? Is it caused by foreign bats?”

In a way, sir, but it’s already here so there is no stopping bats coming in to airports. And they do not arrive by plane. There is no market for bat smuggling.

“So what? Tell me some details.”

The disease is caused by the fungus Pseudogymnoascus destructans, which colonizes the bat's skin. No obvious treatment or means of preventing transmission is known, and some species have declined >90% within five years of the disease reaching a site. The species has been found in healthy bats in Europe, although as of 2010 it was not clear whether it was introduced into North America from Europe or Asia.

“That’s good. Europe and Asia. Work on that, team. What about birds? Can we write up something about Mexican birds? That we can shoot them down freely.”

No sir, the migratory bird treaty bans that.

 “Get working with Congress to repeal that. We want birds and bats all in the same order.”

“Yes, sir.”

Friday, January 27, 2017

Trump To Finish Wall...or Fence

Trump To Finish Wall in Final Year

With the final year of his presidency starting, and Pence taking over for the 2020 election, Donald Trump has recruited faithful supporters to finish 50 miles of the wall in Texas and five miles near San Diego that had been torched and burned down by the Mexican workers going back and forth to meet family for the holidays.

Trump himself is leading the effort, bringing the nails and nailguns from the Washington DC Home Depot by Air Force 1. The loyal troops have driven down to the two locations and have camped out there for a week, along with the 8 foot lumber material ready and fence post diggers already at work.

"I thank Congress for the three years of support. Now I and my crews will finish the job."

Monday, January 23, 2017

Trump declares new value of Pi to be 3.0

My son Barron had some math to do from school and they were trying to teach a 10 year old decimals. I thought that was ridiculous. I had my staff do the research. They had to look up what cubits were, but:

The Nevi'im and the Ketuvim (sections of Jewish scripture, comprising parts of the Christian "Old Testament")  say that the value of pi is three!

Therefore I declare pi to be 3 for all schools in grades 1-8. They can use 3.0 if they like in 7th and 8th grade.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

It's Obama's Fault

One week into the presidency, and Trump is stuck with meetings and things. He would rather be looking after his starlings and sparrows.

It's going to be huge! But there are still things lingering on from the Obama era.

ISIS? Yeah, Obama's fault.

Putin? Don't talk to me about Putin.

Hillary? It's old news. We have to move on.

Obamacare? I signed that thing, didn't I?

Girl scouts? Are they coming? I'm ready.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Donald Trump Anxious for Girl Scouts To Visit Him

Washington DC -- Donald Trump has been waiting for this for a long time. A week after the inauguration, Trump will personally conduct a tour of his White House for a New Jersey girl scout troop.  he will also make time to conduct tours weekly.

The girls will be accompanied by one adult leader.