Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Ice Cream Maker Ends Up In Garage Sale

Lincoln, NE -- After just one use, Dolly McMaster, 44, decided the thing just was no use. "We had fun trying to make ice cream, I have wonderful pictures of the event. All three kids were covered in ice cream. It was not staying creamy, so I never packed it to put in the freezer. My sister told me it gets kind of icy."

The main problem seemed to be getting cream. There is whipping cream and half and half. But none of it is really fatty enough to make creamy, solid ice cream. The next family can have the rock salt too, since we are done with winter here in Lincoln.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Andersson Misplaces Codpiece

Bremen, Germany -- Ian Andersson, frontman for the Jethro Tull show that he has been touring with ("not Jethro Tull"), realized that he lost his stage codpiece sometime after Kawasaki but before Paderborn yesterday. Faced with a lot of tour dates, Ian simply had to improvise with a pair of socks.

"It has some sentimental value, as I have played Aqualung with that codpiece on a thousand times, but I realize it will be a collector's item if someone finds it," explained Ian.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Nebraska Orienteers Seek Landmarks

Rushville, NE -- Area orienteering enthusiasts Bill and Matt are seeking donations of landmarks from other counties and states. They have mapped every rock and tree in the area they practice orienteering in, but they hope to organize orienteering events for out of towners.

"People are used to some landmarks. I did some orienteering last year in Scotland. They had more trees and such and valleys. We started at a castle and ended the race there, so that was really cool for me. I don't have the funds to import a castle, but we need some big rock or other object, even man made, that we can set up the registration table at. The city blocked us from using the water tower, and who wants a water tower anyway. I started a race at a water tower in South Dakota just last year. Those people will all come to our event." Bill is still optimistic.

Matt was not present for the interview but texted us that he has a dump truck from a quarry available for two days and can haul your monument or landmark from as far as Ohio.

Enterprising Man Sells Cures for Cheap and finds Niche Market

Galilea, ca. 30 AD -- Enterprising Galilean Moshe Joseph has been hanging out where Jesus and his followers preach and heal.

After the famous entourage leaves, Moshe has been hanging out to sell coal tar products for those that did not have the nerve to be cured by miracles.

Asked about guarantees, Moshe explains: "If you are near death, go to Jesus. Otherwise, my coal tar remedies are more cost effective. You can take them home to your sick relatives. Or I can have them delivered. Money back one year guarantee. Some ailments need repeated application."

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Abdul Who?

Oxford, MS -- Mrs Olive J., land lady for students residing at 135½ Wilbur Harrison St., did not know anyone named Abdul and did not recognize the picture for the "perosn of interest" that the men in black suits were seeking.

"My student is Muhammad something, just like Muhammad Ali. I don't rememeber his last name cause I can't pronounce it. But I have the contract in the bank if you need it."

At that she slammed the door and went back to her afternoon coffee and three Oreo cookies.

Club Mosses Mock Plants That Just Showed Up

The Devonian, Gondwana -- On a wet hillside, club mosses have grown for eons. Handsome stalks with leaf like projections sticking out. Then just this spring these leafy things showed up! Popping up on the upland side of a ditch, the leafy things grew from seeds, they guess.

"But who do they think they are? This it the devonian. We might get some new conifers here soon, but this leaf business is totally whacko. We understand these plants will drop the leaves in the fall. What's the point in that? It's like those needles the conifers keep dropping on us."

Ferns they totally understand, but those leaves are much more practical. What will these guys on the upland hillock do next? Grow flowers? Where are your friends the bees? Wait for the tertiary eras. Get back where you belong! 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Fat Person Has Tattoos Removed

Tulsa OK -- Area woman, "Paula", had all her tattoos removed from her legs.

"Yes, they served no purpose anymore. I got them when I was young skinny. My husband has pictures of them. We got the same tattoos. I love my husband and his tattoos, but mine just had to go,"

Paula was not ready to show the legs yet. There were light scars "and I'll lose some weight I think."

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Kia Team names new vehicle

Seoul, Korea -- Having produced cars and SUVs with names like Sportage and Spectra, ad team and marketing heads scratched their heads for a full day. Brainstorming sessions and catered lunches were served. Legal had searches done on the ten final candidates.

The vehicle is a cross between a four door car, a hatch back and an SUV. The team voted on the names and came up with the winner: Kia Ambiguity.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Rental Cars Returned Labeled Beach and Not Beach

Miami -- With a large number of rental car returns expected Sunday, workers at one of the agencies, Mike and Skip (both 23, of Miami) devised a plan to deal with the cleaning in a simple manner. The families going to the beach left a lot of sand in their cars, so two cleaners were assigned to the cars labeled BEACH on a white 8½x11 sheet taped on the windhiled, while one cleaner was enough for cars labeled NOTBEACH.

"When we opened the vacuum cleaners, we could have collected buckets of sand if we had put it all together. Unfortunately we can't sell or recycle the sand. I took some home for my mom to do some landscaping," explained Skip.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Singer Lands First Gig

Indianapolis, IN -- Singer Zack Meyer, 19, landed his first real paying gig, outside of an amateur rock band of his. In a one hour session Zack recorded both the lead vocal and a two part chorus, with a musician playing keyboards live to a canned percussion track. The lines went:
Midwest Hemorrhoid Treatment Center
Don't Suffer In Silence

Zack got paid $500, and the musician, also there for other sessions, $200.

Bikes and Trains Cause Communism

Wichita, KS -- Former Seanator Hank McCormic (67) and two assistants from the Mancato Institute have spent two years traveling the world, exploring places such as Venezuela and former Eastern European socialist states.

Their findings are undeniably controversial. They claim that socialism and even some popular dictatorships come about from three things. These are bike paths, commuter trains and subways. With travel controlled largely by the state, the citizens seem to be be happy with small apartments and in some cases a leisurely pace of life.They no longer strive to make money, buy big suburban homes with three garages and no longer spend time shopping, driving kids to "activities". The kids are happy to play stick ball in the street, since there are far fewer cars.  Taxis and delivery vans seem to be around, but since people are so poor, consumer goods are not delivered to their door on a daily basis.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Pottsylvania Leader Tired of X-Box Games

Capital City, Pottsylvania -- Fearless Leader Kim Jung Soon, 31, has spent nearly three weeks waiting for the mighty United States to back down An take its troops out of South Pottsylvania.

The threats of nuclear war and missiles shot to strategic targets have been in the air for three weeks now. The generals are determined to shoot a missile to the sea near Okinawa. But there are only eight missile left.
Kim has played video games for the entire time except for the daily half hour meeting with his generals and a few dedications and news events he posed for. And he is bored.

The problem was partly solved with his driver teaching Kim chess, but Kim hates to lose and a weak opponent is no challenge. So they take turns at a video game and chess. But the old man is not catching on with the video games and hardly pushes the buttons.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Common Plantain Thinks It's Special

Des Peres, MO -- An upstart plant has moved next to a patch of peonies planted in a suburban yard. The peonies have been there some thirty years since the house was built.

"You silly perennials! How do you expect to evolve if you just sit there 30 years. I came form Heidelberg in the Chucks that Johanna the exchange student in your house wears. I'm from Europe!" the plantain taunts them. One of the peonies looked up the weed and says that "even if he says he is a Plantago major, in English we call him common plantain."

The peonies closed up for the night and hoped that the owner would mow over the plantain in the grassy area as soon as possible.

Having just popped up for the first time, the plantain and peonies are in for a surprise next year. He is a perennial too.

Mr. Quarter leaves same tip every time

Sunset Hills, MO-- Stopping by the cafe at a local book store, a customer...Ari something...leaves a quarter tip, no matter what he buys. But it is almost always a latte or an americano.
. "He brings some book, but I think he sits down over there to leaf through it. Once he bought a CD here when they had a big line at the main check out, " explained barista Mary. The employees joke about him, but not too much. "He's an old guy, well at least 40, and he seems to read weird nature stuff and what not," added Barry Switzer, 19. The third employee barely remembered him. "Oh that guy, he reminds me of my dad. He sometimes wears a baseball hat, in summer."

Friday, April 5, 2013

Boxer acts professionally

Buffalo, NY -- Boxer no longer punches out bouncers for his buddies.

Joe Mason, heavyweight, still goes out to party with his friends, but his friends are not as happy. "He would no longer punch out the idiot bouncer at the first bar we tried to get into," said his friend Sal. "They don't pay me to hit bouncers, I got these hands to think of. I have investors relying on me," said Joe in defense.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Daughter's Boyfriend Paints!

Newark, NJ -- Bill Nixon (58) discovered that his daughter Mary's boyfriend is not a comic after all. "She keeps telling us of the night clubs and comedy clubs they go to in New York, so I just assumed imperssionist meant comic."

Mary had to explain to him that he is in art school on a scholarship and does not need to work, not even as a comic. But Bill then offered to buy him a set of air brush paints, so he could make some money detailing his 68 Chevy or some motorcycles for his friends. "Don't be silly, daddy, he does not do commercial art, not yet anyway. He will probably teach art in high school."

Monday, April 1, 2013

Betty Confused With Atheist Message

Manchester, UK -- Mrs. Betty McCormick, 48, was reading an article about buses in London.

"It's them atheists with their sign on the bus. It says that there probably is no God. I can understand they might think that. Aren't they like atheists and all. But then they continue and want me to enjoy life. I did not quite get that part. We had a fun trip to Mallorka when Rodney was still
alive, but I still don't quite get it. What am I supposed to enjoy?"

Her best friend Marge would point out that the police finding Rodney dead in the gutter two years ago is a blessing. "She will enjoy life when she is ready."

Musical Work has certain symphonicity, but Arturo thinks it needs more

Palermo -- Barber Vittorio Albinoni was discussing his newest work with a friend Arturo, who has to make a living playing keyboards in a popular band playing covers of 1950-2000 Italian songs. "It was one of my usual string works at the start, but I decided to paint some moods with woodwinds. What do you think? It is almost a symphony, or could be." "Vittorio, it is a fine piece just so. It would need a lot more to be symphonic. Why not complete this in three movemeents, with the center one very short?", Arturo explained as he handed the smart phone with the notes back. "But then it will go pretty much the same as all my works. I have to print out the sheet music at my expense and the Liceo Ginnasio Vittorio Emanuele II secondary school orchestra will play it." Yes, Vittorio, that will happen. But you are not on speaking terms with any other conductors in town. "Perhaps," said Vittorio, finishing his cafe con leche and working at a wrapped pack of cigrettes.