Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Grandfather Leaves Birthday Party After Carbs Come Out

Pittsburgh, PA -- Area grandfather Todd McMicken, 59, a known health fanatic, was forced to duck out from most of the festivities for his grandson Allen. They had just finished singing Happy Birthday and blowing out the candle with the waxy number on it. Cake was cut up and handed out. "No thanks, too many carbs. Do you have some frozen yogurt I could have?"

Thew party goers proceeded to gorge on cake and ice cream and berries and chocolate syrup and he left the scene to the back yard.
He took a glass of lemonade and sought some shade in the back of the yard, as there was no cover on the patio. Todd is recently widowed and reflected on his wife holding the two month old Allen a year ago. She died a month later. As things cooled down inside, Todd peeked in and saw that the presents were coming out. He stepped in and retrieved his present out by the front door. "I think I'll give Allen my present first." It was a set of plastic tools and a tool box for them. With the present opened, Todd had set his phone to beep in five minutes after entering. "I gotta go, thanks for inviting me. I gotta come and spend some time with Allen next week. I have a bike trailer I can take him with on a 30 mile ride."

With that he left, mumbling something about "too many carbs in the air" to the other two grandparents.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Professors Outplaced into Lawn Care by Walker

Madison, WI -- With most of the union problems gone, Governor Walker found a unique Professor Placement solution. Since groundskeepers are no longer unionized, the problem of tenure loss (which Walker engineered) no longer is a problem. All the previous groundskeepers are laid off and the professors losing tenure (at this time, it seems all staff over 55 years of age lose tenure and new hires no longer have tenure) are to be trained as groundskeepers.

"Football provides income and the other sports fields need maintenance," remarked Walker. The various departments will be allowed to rehire their professors for one semester at a time on a sort of "sabbatical" from the mowing job but with the same salary as the professor earns mowing.

Scientists locate tens of millions of stupid people

Palo Alto -- Scientists at Stanford were studying the behavior of voters in the last five presidential election years. The opinions of 10 000 random voters were followed on a weekly basis. The results were astounding. Based on the results, there are tens of millions of incredibly stupid people in the USA. Lead scientist for the study Hal Wellington states that there might be even 100 million Americans who can barely handle a four way stop sign, let alone an election. "It appears that the election is made easier by there being only two presidential candidates. But if you give them 

1. a Democrat,
 2 a Republican or
 3. sausage pizza, 

they will pick three." Based on this, either candidate should therefore offer a sausage pizza for every family, if they win.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Area Stoner In Charge of CDs and DVDs

Cambridge, MA -- Area stoner, "Matt" has been managing the music and video department as well as the electronics at ShopMart for about a year.
The CDs do not seem to be in alphabetical order but more of a thematic organization. "The newer stuff is to the right but then the rest is kind of where I feel like putting it. Country is on the bottom. Those Idol type singers are on the top row. Some granny came in and demanded I find Susan Boyle for her. It was on the top. Maybe she was too short to see it?"
The manager rarely comes by, and even then usually she is involved in the exchange of a TV. The CDs seem to sell well enough despite the apparent disorder. The top hits are at the end of the aisle  coming into the department. Matt made sure they never ran out of the Led Zeppelin reissues.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Area Robin Can't Eat One More Cicada

Nebraska City, NE -- Having raised several broods of robins, Area Robin (female) has stuffed food of all sorts down hungry throats.

"It was OK the first few days. I ate some of them myself. And I did feed the nestlings who eat anything. But after a week I could barely hold them in my mouth long enough to carry to the nest. I won't forget the taste soon."

Fortunately for her they come here every 17 years so she will be dead next time.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Wisconsin Supports Nebraska Governor

Milwaukee, WI -- After a hard week of wiping out tenure for college professors in Wisconsin, governor Walker opened his laptop at a Panera restaurant in Milwaukee on Friday to read the news. he was on vacation till Monday but was still sending orders and e-mails most of Friday.

There was something to celebrate on Saturday as he planned to ride his Harley with two friends to a biker cafe and then come home late afternoon. The item that delighted him was from an Omaha paper. It reported on Governor Ricketts of Nebraska procuring new lethal injection materials for the state. Nebraska has banned capital punishment, but this does not apply to ten prisoners on death row. Walker made a note to see if there were any pharmaceuticals they could ship to
Nebraska. There is Iowa in between the states, but some sort of shipment of veterinary products could be arranged. As President he will do his best to keep capital punishment on the books for most states. There should be some way to get the Supreme Court to support this right of states.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

In a Tight Race, Democrats Run Man With No Testicles

Chapel Hill, N.C. -- In a tight race to replace Senator Bob Belushi, who resigned in a scandal, Democrats are hoping to take advantage of the situation that put Republicans in shame, as hypocrites with no real morals.

But just to be sure, they have located a Vietnam war-hero who fathered five children in a loving marriage, but destroyed his testicles in a freak motorcycle accident in the 1990s. But he remains active, hunting, fishing and running triathlons.

"Al is a perfect candidate. Sunday school teacher, lawyer and moderate liberal. Never divorced." 

His opponent has the same qualifications, but also testicles.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Area Woman Worried About Global Warming But....

Boston, MA -- Area woman Cathy Stoller, 44, has seen the news items for years now but really has not had time to do much.
She does have a lot on her mind.

List of things to do
  1. Bobby’s shirts to dry cleaner
  2. Keep track of Bobby’s job interview schedule
  3. Melanie’s graduation pics: order print set
  4. Buster’s vet, make appt at budget vet (call Sally for name)
  5. Wallpaper? Paint remover? Paint? Discuss Becky’s room walls with Bobby
  6. Missy’s baby shower gift
  7. The wall! New drywall easier? Look up contractors
  8. Attend church at least once in July
  9. 4th of July, picnic at Bobby’s group from old job.
  10.  Parents Fri after 4th, charcoal and steaks hot dogs for small kids.
  11.  Metamucil
  12.  Nail polish for toes, new sandals
  13. ..
  14. ..
   285 Do something about global warming

Monday, June 1, 2015

Area Goose Barely Manages to Hiss at Bicyclist

Madison, WI -- An area goose barely managed to hiss at a bicyclist going by. She did take the effort to guide her goslings away from the bike path.

The area bicyclist was wondering what her plan was. "It was just such a pitiful attempt at a hissing sound. Did she think she was going to break my ankle with her bill? She could not reach much higher."

Why Is There Something?

College Station, PA -- Philosophy majors Brad Couch and Bill Eppstein
set out to answer the age old question "why is there something,
instead of nothing?" during a Friday drinking session. By Saturday
afternoon, there was no answer, but at that point both would have
preferred the "nothing" option, as they took turns over the bucket
with dry heaves. Nothing much was coming up anymore. If there were "something" coming up, that would be unpleas
ant as well.