Saturday, September 26, 2015

Area Man Hides Coffee Stain

Worcester, MA -- Area man Jim, 32, successfully washed out most of a coffee stain he made on a dresser. He thinks it will pass, though his wife will know it was him. She does not bring coffee into the bedroom or bath room, where the coffee ended up during the cleanup phase. The original stain was a cm in diameter at the arrow.

It's a European printed fabric. Swedish, or Swiss or something. "She got it in Boston, I was not on that trip."

Monday, September 21, 2015

Self Improvement Class Too Effective

Kalamazoo, MI -- Revco Fittings owner Bob Gould is regretting having sent his 20 employees to a three day training class while the shop was undergoing mechanical improvements.

The entire class of 20 were signed up for a well known business oriented self improvement class. Now all 20 have quit Revco Fittings. About five moved to Ohio to Honda jobs, five to elsewhere in Michigan, and 10 went to community college, including secretary Trisha McAllister and foreman Matt Thompson, both 44 and original Revco employeees from the 20 year old company.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Area Man Wears New Jeans

Omaha, NE -- Area man, no name given, was about to leave the house with NEW jeans, also 20% stronger than his last pair. His college age daughter Martha thankfully caught him just as he left for work from the kitchen to the garage. She had stayed overnight for mom's birthday but no longer lives in the house.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Area Banjoist Invents Weird Ass Bass Tuning

Cedar Rapids, IA -- Area banjoist "Bill", who plays in all local bluegrass outfits has also expanded to playing bass in country bands. He claims he had a hard time at first, but then moved the bass high string to the spot where his thumb would play it and where the lowest string normally is. This way he can play the high bass notes with a thumb or thumb pick. Some of the other strings are also changed but he is not giving details at this time. "It works for me," he claims. The band does not really care, as long as he plays the root note of the chord often enough to keep the song in shape.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Bear Coordinator bans Kentucky Bear Hunting

Frankfort, KY – Following the recent events surrounding federal law and stepping on Kentucky toes for marriage licences, State Bear Coordinator Sally Field, 45, has picked up the courage to announce there will be no bear hunting permits. She claims to be troubled by the killing of bears and is a vegtarian herself. She and her lesbian partner Myra have closed the office and made life safe for the 500-700 bears in the state. Hikers and travelers are allowed to carry weapons. This is Kentucky after all. And they are allowed to shoot a bear that attacks them. But they will then surrender the carcass to the state and the crime scene will be thorougly investigated. Rifle scopes and such will not be permitted. Also, shooting a bear a hunter ”thought was a deer” will carry a stiff fine. Sally and her partner will be out in the field working to protect mother bears and their cubs.

Sally has no authority to ban hunting completely and her decision does not get the backing of university ecologists. However, she is an elected official and the hunters will need the Kentucky legislature or the next ballot fo remove her.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Americans Saved From Army Ants By Aerial Devices Over Jungle

Limon, Costa Rica – Aerial tram, zipline and suspension bridge operators and tour organizers are hanging and zipping hundreds of American over the Veragua Rain Forest every day. The eco-adventure can be a thrill and avoids some rainforest challenges faced on the ground.

Should any of the tourists, especially the elderly and weak, fall off the tram, they would be devoured by army ants underneath before rescue teams arrive.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Kia Team Names New Vehicle

Seoul, Korea -- Having produced cars and SUVs with names like Sportage and Spectra, ad team and marketing heads scratched their heads for a full day. Brainstorming sessions and catered lunches were served. Legal had searches done on the ten final candidates.

The vehicle is a cross between a four-door car, a hatch back and an SUV. The team voted on the names and came up with the winner: Kia Ambiguity.