Tuesday, January 31, 2017

You are all fired!

Fed up with roadblocks in his way to make America great again, Donald Trump has contacted all your employers and has fired you.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Trump team working on Executive Order on Bats. Or Birds.

The Trump team working on drafting executive orders to be signed by Trump on Monday got busy with an easier task, something to draw the press away from immigrants.

“Maybe something with birds or bats,” the President suggested. He was not sure what federal department to attack with this.

That would be the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. The number one issue with bats is white nose disease.

“Yes? Is it caused by foreign bats?”

In a way, sir, but it’s already here so there is no stopping bats coming in to airports. And they do not arrive by plane. There is no market for bat smuggling.

“So what? Tell me some details.”

The disease is caused by the fungus Pseudogymnoascus destructans, which colonizes the bat's skin. No obvious treatment or means of preventing transmission is known, and some species have declined >90% within five years of the disease reaching a site. The species has been found in healthy bats in Europe, although as of 2010 it was not clear whether it was introduced into North America from Europe or Asia.

“That’s good. Europe and Asia. Work on that, team. What about birds? Can we write up something about Mexican birds? That we can shoot them down freely.”

No sir, the migratory bird treaty bans that.

 “Get working with Congress to repeal that. We want birds and bats all in the same order.”

“Yes, sir.”

Friday, January 27, 2017

Trump To Finish Wall...or Fence

Trump To Finish Wall in Final Year

With the final year of his presidency starting, and Pence taking over for the 2020 election, Donald Trump has recruited faithful supporters to finish 50 miles of the wall in Texas and five miles near San Diego that had been torched and burned down by the Mexican workers going back and forth to meet family for the holidays.

Trump himself is leading the effort, bringing the nails and nailguns from the Washington DC Home Depot by Air Force 1. The loyal troops have driven down to the two locations and have camped out there for a week, along with the 8 foot lumber material ready and fence post diggers already at work.

"I thank Congress for the three years of support. Now I and my crews will finish the job."

Monday, January 23, 2017

Trump declares new value of Pi to be 3.0

My son Barron had some math to do from school and they were trying to teach a 10 year old decimals. I thought that was ridiculous. I had my staff do the research. They had to look up what cubits were, but:

The Nevi'im and the Ketuvim (sections of Jewish scripture, comprising parts of the Christian "Old Testament")  say that the value of pi is three!

Therefore I declare pi to be 3 for all schools in grades 1-8. They can use 3.0 if they like in 7th and 8th grade.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

It's Obama's Fault

One week into the presidency, and Trump is stuck with meetings and things. He would rather be looking after his starlings and sparrows.

It's going to be huge! But there are still things lingering on from the Obama era.

ISIS? Yeah, Obama's fault.

Putin? Don't talk to me about Putin.

Hillary? It's old news. We have to move on.

Obamacare? I signed that thing, didn't I?

Girl scouts? Are they coming? I'm ready.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Donald Trump Anxious for Girl Scouts To Visit Him

Washington DC -- Donald Trump has been waiting for this for a long time. A week after the inauguration, Trump will personally conduct a tour of his White House for a New Jersey girl scout troop.  he will also make time to conduct tours weekly.

The girls will be accompanied by one adult leader.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Trump squeezing inaugural speech into 5 tweets

Working furiously, Donald Trump is writing five themes for his speech. Each theme is going to be captured in one tweet.

He will then give the tweets to send out during the speech. The speech writer Mark Johnson has been given the tweets to "flesh them out to a full ten minute speech." Trump will then look over the text. It will be placed on a teleprompter. The teleprompter operator is to follow Trump closely, as he is allowed to improvise and fill in with terrific words and other Trump phrases and claims that his fans are used to hearing.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Trump Bans Wikipedia as Fake Facts

New York -- Trump has blocked all government computers from accessing Wikipedia. Wikipedia has been labeled fake facts.

By analogy to fake news, like CNN (also banned on those computers), Wikipedia is now fake facts. All employees sneaking a look at Wikipedia on their cell phones during work hours will be fired on the spot.