Area Hypochondriac Can't Get Out of COVID-19 Rut

Boston, MA -- Area hypochondriac Chris Matthews, 35, has been thinking about the pandemic a lot. In the days before that, he might have new symptoms every week. each disease was a neat new thing to study.

Now, he has some variable symptoms, but as soon as he coughs a few times, he thinks "coronavirus."

The other symptoms are there, and he does drift off to think of neurological causes. But when you add it all together, it always spells coronavirus.

Even clearing symptoms does not help. A few days of that, and Chris remembers that "you can have this virus for days and days and never have symptoms." The worst is, lack of symptoms and having the illness anyway produces no symptoms at all for him to enjoy for a few days. And what is a day without symptoms for a hypochondriac? A total loss.

Chris was worried enough for a while to call up the telephone number his insurance company gave him to call if he thought he had COVID-19. It went well enough when he described the symptoms. But then he was asked to go to drive through testing. Those people have seen sick people all day! No amount of hand sanitizer and masks would help Chris face this testing. Plus you would take the mask off to be swabbed. No way!

Mail-in-ballots: Trump says Democrats will sign two ballots, two hands

Enraged at all the voter fraud carried out by Democrat voters in 2018, President Trump brought to light the likely scenario at the November election:

"The Democrats will continue their usual tricks. In 2018, they voted, went to the car and changed hats. Then they voted again. Now they will obviously do this with write-in-ballots. They will vote with one hand on their own. Then they will sign a bogus vote with their other hand. They tell me this has happened in Detroit."

Curiously, he may be right in one case. Suppose you live with one of those 100 000 people that will have died of COVID19 by November. The ballot comes in through the mail. Of course you send that ballot in. It was Trump that killed them after all.

Trump Stops Press Conferences To Go On Tour Inspecting Warehouses of Supplies

We are at war! President Trump gave the last of his announced press conferences on COVID19 that we will hear from the White House:

Taking a tip form his dear friend Kim Jong Un, Trump will be at the front line inspecting warehouses in the style of Kim.

The invisible enemy can only be defeated by our brave hospital workers and warehouse people. Trump will be visiting hundreds of warehouses and hospitals. All the we ask is that you refrain from protests about politics. The past is past. Forget Ukraine and Biden. Please pose with Trump and show thumbs up with him when he gets to your facility.

If you store equipment, Trump will be happy to see you plug it in and see that it works. Open just one box of any lot.

Trump Delivers 55 million n95 respirators, Obama Did Not Deliver Any!

President Trump delivers! He has delivered 65 million surgical masks, how many did Obama deliver?

And ventilators, how many ventilators did Obama deliver for Swine Flu? That's right, ZERO!

What have the democrats done, other than the governors? Nothing! Not one single medical station bed form Nancy Pelosi!

How many surgical masks has Joe Biden delivered? Zero! Check mate, Democrats!

Trump opens up the United States to endemic viruses

"We've had the economy slowed down long enough, so I have decided that we will be fully open for business on April 30th. In addition, this Chinese virus has grabbed the media long enough..."

"...so we are going to open up immediately for American diseases. Anything North of Panama is acceptable, not that Zika or malaria. We will bring in Rocky Mountain spotted fever, potato blight and a plague carried by prairie dogs. These are all American diseases. Perhaps even changas disease and dengue fever." Not all of these are viral diseases, but hey, it's all DNA and peptides, right? Unless it's RNA.  Trump thinks that by getting one of these diseases you will get immunity against other viruses like this corona. "I heard it's true. I heard it somewhere this week."

The president also encourages Americans to experiment with pellagra for a few months. "It's not bad, just for a few months. You get it from eating corn. I like corn, I don't like beans. I had to eat some on a visit to one of them Asian countries, maybe it was India. But I just like corn." The beans cause flatulence, and with a 250 pound man, who wants flatulence?

Trump finds scapegoat: WHO is responsible for Coronavirus epidemic

Not happy with the way the UN audience laughed at Trump at his one time visit there to speak (he did pass Greta Thunberg a second time), Trump has now focused on the World Health Organization as his main enemy in the coronavirus battle. In connection with this, it was hinted Trump would also deny visas to The Who as well, unless they changed their name.

The 400 million the US sent yearly to WHO is on the line. Not really much of anything, it's not even a billion, but still. We give 50 billion yearly to foreign countries that we want to help. Like Ukraine, as long as the president there knows how to shut up about Trump.

A secondary issue with WHO is the hydroxychloquine use that Trump promotes. They have not backed it. Trump now wants the FDA to catalog for him names of every patient in the USA that took hydroxychloroquine and recovered from coronavirus. The ones that died from use of it should not be cataloged, according to Trump.

Just watching Foxnews, this is working splendidly. It is no longer Trump that screwed up, it is the WHO. Meanwhile, The Who have had to cancel concerts due to Coronavirus, which is just as well. Roger Dalrty's voice has failed in half the concerts.

Thousands of Government Workers Ready to Go Back in And Save America with Biden

With Joe Biden almost sure to win the election, government workers laid off by Trump are all ready to go in and work to keep you safe. Joe himself is going to roll up his sleeves and get the management teams going and ready for the next pandemic or hurricane or tars sands oil spill. Only, there won't be any more tar sands oil spills past 2021 as all the pipelines will be shut down. Tar sands oil is basically only good for ocean going ship fuel.

The trouble all started with Reagan when he said "the most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." The tea partiers and libertarians took to those words and have been dismantling government for 20 years. Trump further advanced this cause bys dismissing "all these thousands of people doing nothing," including the pandemic readyness team.

Joe will reinstall all the laid off bureacucrats to all the departments under him.

Then all the technocrats running nuclear, water, wastewater and power facilities under federal guidance. They were pretty well set, but additional funding was set aside for computer and other support functions.

All the federal workers and their supervisors will work seamlessly with states, assuring we have safety in forest fire, drought and flood conditions. No more poo-pooing California by any federal authorities, let alone the president. Biden will delegate. "I can't do it all, so I will hire the best. No skimping on salary." All the foot soldiers will be paid a minimum of 25 dollars an hour, including any time spent in readyness away from home at the various hot spots. The government already employs a few million people, we might as well get it all coordinated to be ready for the next disaster.

Trump suggests scarves are good against virus, Trump supporters buy up all MAGA bandanas

Just minutes after president Trump announced scarves are good against the killer virus about 10 million Trump voters took to Google. Many found the same item:

The first two hundred bandanas were quickly sold. Then the seller's website crashed. He put up an Amazon seller profile and sold the remaining 300 bandanas in an hour. There are no more bandanas coming from China, so he has ordered all blank red bandanas he could find and set up a team of seamstresses in Nashville to embroider the MAGA text onto them. A silk screen t-shirt maker was also contacted to print the text onto the next 1000 bandanas that will be coming in.