Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Trump Commissions Statue of Himself

Washington -- Mr Trump had a few hours to spare on Monday and saw the first drafts of a statue of himself. It was OK, but he wanted one standing instead of sitting.

With the new plans of the statue under way, Trump went on to pay for landscaping himself. The statue will be placed at the far end of the Rose Garden, so that when Mr Trump stands at the steps to give a speech or announcement at the podium, he will be facing his own statue.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Names Suzanne Sommers Surgeon General

Suzanne Sommers, actress and natural healing expert was named Surgeon General by Trump

She is an accomplished author on health subjects.

Mr Trump gave serious consideration to Jenny McCarthy, a close second with nice boobs. She was to get rid of federal funds of autism causing vaccines. Third in running was Dr Mercola, but Mr Trump actually likes both nutrasweet and Splenda in his drinks. Mr Trump asks Suzanne to focus on getting a country wide ban on fluoridation of water. "They can get the fluoride in toothpaste if they want that. I will put in a school toothpaste program for those parents that want fluoride in their lives. The main point is that we wil now be able to choose fluoride rather than having the Government force it on us."

Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump Supporter Just Getting Started

Wyoming -- Area libertarian Bill Cummins, 45, has not voted for the past 20 years "cause the Republican presidential candidates are pussies", and he is happy with  all his local political leaders. But now that he got Trump elected, he hopes all the Republican candidates will be like Trump from now on. "In fact I know they will be, I'll make sure of that."

He is excited about all the programs Trump is going to delete. "Ill be voting till every abortion clinic, windmill, ballet company, bike path, National Park, wildlife refuge, food stamp program, museum (except Cowboy and gun museums run by private funds), national guard unit, park ranger program, US Fish and Wildlife outfit, prairie dog protection program, hunting restriction, gun law (other than the one banning registration of guns), DEA, EPA, and anything that comes to Wyoming that smells of "culture" is gone.

In addition, all coal mines closed in the last 20 years will have to be reopened.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trump Joins Audubon Society

Donald Trump Loves City Birds!

And suburban birds! The ones around farms are OK too.

"I'm going to support all these birds born in the USA."  He pledged initially 30 000 dollars to support three species.10 000 dollars for each to form some suitable habitat. "And a few bird baths on my property,"

"I love red-tailed hawks in the city too. They eat the pigeons. The migratory birds from Mexico are coming to eat all the food from our birds. That is why I am supporting these three species. We will have to cancel that migratory bird treaty my son told me about. He goes shooting mourning doves."

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Trump: Ryan Hip Replacement Program to go Nationwide

Washington, DC -- Donald Trump has been looking at Medicare costs carefully. It seems old people get mostly cancer, knee replacements and hip replacements. For heart disease, they can have drugs, not surgery. The Paul Ryan Hip Replacement Plan of 2014 will now go national."It will bring Mexico some income and work once we return all the illegals," said trump. Back in 2014 we carried the story:

Ryan Hip Replacement Program

Madison, WI -- In a test of a new program that Paul Ryan will launch on national scale, a new hip and knee replacement program was launched for Wisconsin. Instead of expensive and painful hip and knee replacement operations, Grandma and Grandpa will now enroll into new programs. The Grandma Replacement Program will bring families a new Grandma who does not need surgery. The care of the old grandma will be outsourced to Mexico, where the old grandma will be taken care of in exchange for plentiful rice and beans and corn. The Grandpa situation is trickier. It will consist of national curmudgeon exchanges on the free market.

Trump to finish Coal Furnace project for White House

Washington -- The coal heating project started in 2008 with Cheney and Bush, Trump promises to bring not just the one but several coal furnaces on line to heat the entire White House.

Our original story from November of 2008:

Washington, DC-- President Bush, with a month left for major remodeling, decided to go with a plan by Dick Cheney and Senator McCain to convert the White House heating system to coal.

"We are doing this for security and energy independence reasons," noted Bush.

The three politicians will be helping remove the old heaters, using dangerous and flammable natural gas, along with five hired construction workers and heating specialist.

"Eventually, we can convert to radiators, but for now we will use coal to heat the private quarters of President Obama and all the water in the White House," explained Bush, reading from an index card. They found the plans at Hearth.com and immediately set to work without building permits. "The President does not need a building permit on White House grounds," explained Cheney.

Senator McCain has arranged for free coal from West Virginia for the next 50 years, with the White House only paying for transportation.

"President Obama can install his own solar panels if he wants to save on the hot water bill in spring and fall. We don't do any of that stuff, as we have unlimited coal in this country," added Cheney.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Trump Replaces EPA with Bill Henderson

Washington-- With the upcoming tax cuts and all the people whining about things like Medicare, trump decided to spare Medicare for two more years. But then, the EPA had to go to save on federal spending and reduce federal jobs by 50%. What better start than the EPA? The coal mines will be free to dump sludge anywhere.

Bill will be employed to survey the waters of the nation much further down stream. The fish kill should be more upstream so there is no need for a bacteriologist. Bill has all the theory of water safety memorized and could give a lecture at any time.

As equipment Bill will have a pH meter and a spare, as well a s pick up truck. It is doubtful he will get West of Kentucky as the job has a limited hotel budget. All the gas is paid as well as oil changes for the next four years. The truck is leased from Trump Leasing.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Trump Announces Medicare Overhaul

Washington, DC -- With the Obama era taxes soon gone, including payroll taxes directly supporting the program, the Autocrat has streamlined the services available.

"With drug store clinics available widely in many states including Florida, we have signed for them to take care of our seniors."

"We can't give you free care anymore, but after you pay your 50% at the convenient desk, the government will pay the rest without any paperwork. Hospital care is now outside Medicare and you will have to buy insurance."

Friday, November 4, 2016

Apostrophe Pete Funeral

Cincinnati OH -- Area postal worker and weekend sign painter Peter McIntosh, 64, died just after retiring from the postal service.

Pete was loved by neighbors and often made quick signs while customers waited. He made professional signs as well. He always put apostrophes in both plurals and possessives. "The people might miss them so I put them in," he always explained.

He would often not charge a fee, just point to the tip jar. The money all went to take care of "injured animal's at the shelter's" as he explained. His last dog died, but a sign remains at the apartment complex where he lived. The funeral will be Tuesday at the the Trump funeral home.