Thursday, July 23, 2015

Idaho County Puts Up Third Stop Sign

Twin Falls County, ID – Twin Falls had a traffic study done of the entire county. The result was a recommendation for a third stop sign.

Area Libertarian Stan Verdain, 65, moved out after they put up the new sign. "Back in the 80s we had the two stop signs. I've shot them full of holes, and they are more like yield signs when we drive around. Now they put up that new one with the flashing lights. We don't need to spend electricity on that." Stan is selling his cabin, renting a U-haul to get the stuff to Seattle. There he will trade the truck for a bigger vehicle. He is heading for Alaska. "I will be living at the end of the road on the coast. Gasoline comes in by boat."  

Saturday, July 18, 2015

British rocker Keith Richards Dead?

Connecticut -- The legendary guitarist was spending an awful lot of time in bed. The tour ended the 15th and he came home the 16th. Nobody has seen him get up.

Unsure of his status and wishing to respect his privacy, Keith's staff informed him after two days: "Keith, you are really dead this time." Not wanting to be impolite, the rocker responded from the hereafter:" What? I've left "the building" without a pack of cigrettes? Bummer." As they prepared to take the body away, however, Keef seems to have gone missing. He was definitely in the vehicle at his estate, but as the traffic was heavy and stalled at times, Keith seems to have wandered off in search of the cigarettes he needs for the afterlife. Heirs are uncertain.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Conspiracy Theorist Lectures At Target

Kansas City, MO -- Area conspiracy theorist "Louie" lectures on weekdays at a local Target store from 10-11 AM. Observers think he then goes for his medication at the nearby clinic.

The lectures are 10-15 minutes each with a sit down break for a few minutes, especially if there are no new customers.

Chemtrails are apparently a sprayed aluminum and glass bead mixture applied by the Government to the atmosphere to reduce plutonium. The plutonium on the other hand has escaped from nuclear reactors.

Why doesn't the uranium and the cooling water escape?

"It just doesn't."

Apparently the plutonium byproduct shoots neutrons at the reactor wall (metal) and bores channels through it to escape to the other side. Water does not leak out even then, so the plutonium may well seal the channels it makes with more neutrons shot at the metal.

It all makes sense now!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Greeks Did Not Know It Was Bailout Money

Athens -- The Greeks have spent all the money as lunch money and allowance.

"We did not know that was the bailout money. What little was left over we spent on wine and bread."

Another woman on the street, Sylvia Mercouri (35, Athens), said "please send some more, I did not get anything from the first money."

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Hard Rock Fan Rejects CD set

Kansas -- In rural Kansas, hard rock fan Ted Myers, 46, was disappointed to see the fourth disc on a used box he picked up on the internet cheap.

"It's always the last disc. Look at the the disc on the right! Survivor! They could have put some more minor bands like the REO Speedwagon that they picked or Rick Derringer but no! Loverboy!Toto! Toto is light rock!"

He will just put the three discs in slim cases in the car and toss the fourth.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Area smoker doing fine with two mirrors

Manhattan, KS -- Smoker Kathy Marks, 45, has been driving a car with no left mirror for 3 years, ever since she got the slightly dented Toyota in Nebraska three years ago. In the summer she drives with the window open and can "sense if someone is in that lane" without looking. The window is open to allow easy smoking.

 Kathy also has an uncanny skill for backing up through entire parking lots without turning to face backwards.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Designers Reject Hideous Award

Las Vegas -- Gathered at their annual meeting, Designers of America had an awards banquet to end their three-day meeting at a local casino. The winners in all five categories received the awards and a small check. All five awards were located in trash cans in the hotel afterwards.
“I wouldn't give this award even to my mother-in-law”, stated one participant.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Area Laptop Installing Update 3..Again

Lincoln, NE-- The laptop is going to do it this time. Last time it spent installing Update 3 for three hours, but "this time it will really do it", once Windows starts up, says owner Ken Siffrig, 32.