Tuesday, May 26, 2015

God Not Aware He Made Our Solar System

At a Galactic Review Conference God was confronted about the solar
system he once created and a planet Earth, with bipedal tailless
primates running the show. "They are? That is unfortunate", replied
God. He stated he does not remember the details of creating this
solar system, and that he usually "leaves those things to evolve life
on their own," if such a thing happens.

"I haven't been creating solar systems for a long time. Intelligent beings like you kept suing me in Galactic Court. You know, they say they did not ask me to create their solar system or them."

"It does have a moon, this planet of yours?" he added thoughtfully. We
replied that it did. "They usually do..." he stated and wandered off,
robes dragging in the dust.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Kansas Tea Party Enthusiasts On Night Time Prowl

Central Kansas -- Area tea party enthusiasts, Todd, Jamie and Mack had planned to drive over to Topeka to desecrate some state buildings as well as a national guard unit. The national guard unit was behind a chain linked fence, and there was only a flag pole to desecrate. Todd had scoped out the sites to spray paint beforehand.

 As the weekend came, they got drunk for three nights and realized the trip to Topeka was not going to come about. On Sunday night, after Molly’s bar closed, the threesome swung by the Army Corps of Engineers Lake Office and urinated on the lawn. The office represents the Federal Government with its annoying signs:

Finishing the six pack on a bench near Council Grove downtown, on the riverwalk, the party broke up with ”mission accomplished.”

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Mom's iTunes songs fit on one CDR!

Iowa City, IA -- After his mom lost her third mini iPod, Scott McKenzie, 17, realized she does not even need an iPod, necessarily. The few hundred songs fit on one CDR as mp3 files. She can just play the same CD in the Honda Odyssey CD player! Initially he burned her a copy of all the artists in alphabetical order. "It does not shuffle," she complained. Scott then numbered all the songs in the mp3 folder. He then took all the 1's (1, 11, 21, 31 etc.) and put them in one folder. Then he did the same for the 2's, 3's etc. The folders can be played individually or the whole string from beginning to end. He made a spare copy for her with the folders in a different order. He made cases for the two CDs and put them in the Honda. At that time he found the oldest iPod she had lost. It was under the driver's seat, covered in mud.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Bufffalo Confused About Celebrating

Rapid City, SD -- An area bison, a five year old female, came to share some of her day with Christians Celebrating Life right next to her enclosure.

Kari: Do you celebrate life?
Bison: I don't understand.
Kari: Is life sacred to you?
Bison: I don't understand.

Kari took a different approach.
Kari: You see these Christians have strong beliefs about life after death, and with these thoughts in mind they can stand doing their miserable boring tasks as there is a reward at the end.
Bison: Reward?
Kari: Eternal life.
Bison: I don't understand.
Kari: You can do whatever you like.
Bison: Eat and roll in the grass?
Kari: No, not that.
Bison: Then there is no point. If you excuse me, I have to go over there to celebrate life. The grass is kind of short here.

Birdwatchers Jagger and Watts

Singapore – Stuck in Singapore during a promotional visit to the East, Rolling Stones Jagger
and Watts turn into twitchers.

Hopping into limos with binoculars, scopes, global position finders and cell phones, the novice bird watchers managed to get ticks on their life lists for these birds: Striated Yuhina, Blue-Winged Minla, Clamorous Reed Warbler and Goldcrest. "I must have Goldcrest in my yard back home, but you see we just started this," explained Jagger. "We know Mick is after the birds, but this is ridiculous," stated bandmate Richards. "I could come and look at some owls, though, if you find any," he added. Richards was not going to get up before noon.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Weeds Put Up Roadblock Overnight

Lincoln, NE -- Pioneering weeds have put up a road block to stop a development in SE Lincoln. They claim that pioneering species have the right to occupy a bulldozed lot waiting for financial backing prior to building duplex homes at this proposed street.
Their spokesperson Rumex Crispus got elected to Lincoln City Council on the Pioneering Plants initiative.

"I am an immigrant from Europe, but so are the ancestors of most Nebraskans. I've been here for 200 generations whereas most of you for less than 10."