Monday, February 27, 2017

Trump bans agencies from publishing "Bad Things"

Washington DC -- Donald Trump is taking care of the mess. The Obama mess. You just live your lives in your little towns or even Chicago.

Trump wants to hear happy things. He is going to have all his kids and grandkids over for Easter at the White House. Even the grown kids will look for Easter eggs.

As a result of this happy mood Trump signed an executive order. This one commands all federal offices and agencies to publish only HAPPY NEWS. No negative economics, no global warming, no data on gun deaths.

Actually, the last item is already law. Federal agencies cannot study gun deaths and classify them in any meaningful way. Anything anti-gun is already banned. Trump may have forgotten that.

"You can still publish negative stuff on Obamacare," the leader added.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trump To Invade Canada

Seeking a distraction from some of the bad press from "fake" media, Donald Trump has decided it is time for our first invasion. The CIA has distanced themselves from Trump, but is on board with him on this mission.

The mission is simple. The volunteers from Trump's secret army will be armed and driving four wheel drive pick ups and some on ATVs. They will invade Canada right next to Lake of the Woods county. Camps will be set up and a temporary fence made around the area that will be claimed. There are some hunting cabins owned by Canadians that will be used as housing as well. The ultimate aim is to have a strip of land 10-20 miles wide to connect the US by land to the NW Angle foerest, which we own but can only get to by boat currently. There are some 4000 residents in the US county at the border.

The area wiil become a popular resort on the shores of the Lake of The Woods complex. Trump will then declare the entire lake as US property for hunting and fishing. Right by the border, the Canadian town of Middlebro (pop unknown) will become part of the USA. Some other parts of the municipality of Piney (pop 1700) will also be annexed.

Mr Trump was inspired to undertake this plan by Putin's annexation of Crimea, which is historically part of Russia, not the Ukraine.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Trump finds bad lump of uranium in golf bag

Palm Beach, Florida -- While vacationing and so called working in Florida, Mr Trump had time to play nine holes of golf. 

It wasn't till the third hole that he noticed the three iron would not go all the way into the golf bag. it was suspicous enough that he had his other golf clubs brought out. The security team emptied the bag and found a small hunk of uranium ore in it. Trump had been touching the club that had been exposed to uranium.

Uranium is bad. Trump knows all about it.

 “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things. But nobody talks about that.”

It appears that it may have been there for years, as Trump remembers some sort of rocks falling in there when he golfed in Utah.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Trump deports EPA, Fish and Wildlife to Canada

Unhappy with the "socialist" thinking in the EPA, and the concern for animals at the US Fish and Wildlife, Trump announced both departments will be deported to Canada.

I had the heads of both departments come over to the White House and neither seemed to understand it's America First from now on. Either they are unpatriotic or treasonous.

In dicussions with the prime minister last week, I found out they have lots of room and lots of air. The EPA will measure air and they can count all the fish they like in Labrador, their new home. Termination packages will be two weeks pay for any employees who do not wish to go.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Fake News about Russia!

There was never anything!  This will be over in days. We will get back to deporting 8 million illegal Mexicans.

Donald J. Trump รข€@realDonaldTrump 2h2 hours ago
The fake news media is going crazy with their conspiracy theories and blind hatred. @MSNBC & @CNN are unwatchable. @foxandfriends is great!
15,677 replies 9,167 retweets 32,910 likes

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Trump To Protect Americans

"With all this rioting going on and tons of illegal aliens pouring in and Muslims, we had to take action. I authorize local police to use any force necessary to contain these violent elements until I can send in the National Guard."

"We need to protect America from Americans!"

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Trump Not Hiring Fake McCartney

Donald Trump is already planning some fancy balls past his 100 days. "Melania and my son will be joining me soon enough at the White House. We all get to pick a concert for my first four years. I'm going to get a Nobel Prize winner, Dylan. he and I will both have Nobel prizes by two years from now, but he is getting old, so maybe this Fourth of July?"

"But Paul McCartney will never play in the White House. Because that was the fake Paul playing for Obama."

"I have the latest research from Francesco Gavazeni in Wired magazine of 2009 that proves it. He did facial reconstruction of photos from many years, Paul died in November of 1966. The Beatles carried on for a while but broke up because the fake Paul could not get along with John. And I never liked Yoko, either."

Friday, February 3, 2017

Rock pigeon declared endangered species by Executive Order

Thinking back to the calming purring calls of pigeons in his youth, when he would take walks in Central Park with his nanny, Donald Trump declared rock doves an endangered species.

They are not in danger from anyone, and they nest in cities world wide.

"Come on, the passenger pigeon went extinct. A pigeon is  a pigeon. It could go anytime"

Those were shot to extinction by hunters.

"That's your alternative fact."