Saturday, August 31, 2013

Serial Killers Were Breast Fed

Boston, MA -- Researches from Boston University, funded by the Federal Heritage Foundation, have researched serial killers and their childhoods. Many had no father at home and a loving mother.  Killers whose mothers were alive were well researched, including interviews with the mother.

An astounding figure, 100%, were found to have been breast fed as babies. One individual was breast fed even when he had some teeth, the mother remembers.

Does this mean you can become a serial killer after being breast fed?
-Anyone can become a serial killer. We had one female serial killer, but could not locate her mother.

What other interesting figures did you get?
-Some 95% of them could read before Kindergarten.

Is there any harm in not breast feeding you kid?
-We don't know. It is possible the child will never become a famous serial killer, merely an amateur one.

Were any serial killers found to be breast feeders themselves?
-Yes, one woman was.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Animals stuck in one ideology during their lives

People often stick to one political party during their voting lives, though change during their lives is also seen. Animals, on the other hand are stuck. Evolution from an ichneumon wasp species (there are thousands) to a social wasp is not possible in one lifetime. They are stuck finding mates at random and parasitizing insect larvae of a particular species. Social wasps are colonial and know their work, each being a socialist. Ants and termites are most successful as socialists. The colonies might seem like a monarchy, but the queen is as much stuck in the system as the rest.

Dogs are an odd subspecies, ruling at the top of the food chain in packs in the wild state, but most dogs today serve as slaves and do not have any voting rights.

Capitalism on the whole rules the natural world. Winners survive, losers die. Colonies, social as they may be, compete with other colonies for land and resources as in any capitalist system. The survivors are the more aggressive species, with losers such as sloths eating poor nutrition in some far off niche of nature.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Retired Weatherman makes Astounding Claims about Global Warming

Rural Saskatchewan -- Area retiree Joey Bishop, 85, came out of retirement to look at data sheets presented to him by area small government enthusiasts.

Boldly he concluded, after three days of study:

"Climate's changed before"
"It's the sun"
"There is no consensus, only 97% of climate scientists and only 50% of retired weathermen agree"
It's cooling for at least 10 years"
"Models are unreliable, some have large margins of error"
"Temp record is unreliable, the wether stations are too close to airports"
"Antarctica is gaining ice"
"CO2 lags temperature"
"We're heading into an ice age"
"Hockey stick is broken"
"Climategate CRU emails suggest conspiracy and the young whippersnappers were only trying to get tenure"
"1934 - hottest year on record"
"It's freaking cold! I had to get the fleece jacket my late wife Mildred bought me five years ago out in July"
"Medieval Warm Period was warmer"
"It's a 1500 year cycle"
"Human CO2 is a tiny % of CO2 emissions"
"IPCC is alarmist and only serving liberal politicians world wide"

Monday, August 12, 2013

Area Boy Keeps Getting Toasted Bread With Forbidden Pictures

Jerusalem -- The Bashir family have been happy for years in Jerusalem and never wanted any trouble with Jews and Christians. The trouble is Abbas, 14. Mother Aara is just about to ban Abbas from the kitchen.

"Every week it is something. He toasts or fries the bread and it is either Jesus, Moses or Muhammad that comes out of the bread. This must stop."

The first time Muhammad appeared she took the bread and tore it to pieces, throwing it to the chickens in the back yard. But he has made several more appearances. She simply cut the bread, folded in two and made Abbas eat it. "Otherwise he will go out and peddle it in the street."

As we spoke to her, he was trying to sneak off with some toasted bread. "Show me the bread, what is it this time?" The boy claimed it was Bin  Laden. He went into the slop bucket.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Area Baby Discovers Dirt

Madison, WI -- researchers from the department of psychology at UW Madison have rounded up 20 babies who have not experienced the outdoors intimately to record and observe.

The first to be videoed, Subject 1, or "Tom" has learned to communicate enough to understand NO from his mom. Other interpreters were on hand to take down hid reactions.

What did he exactly say?

"We believe he said that dirt is good. He does not mean to eat. He already spit some out. He just likes moist sand in his hands. He also shoved some into his pockets and into the diaper."

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Monitor Traded in For 10 Dollars

Champaign, IL -- Area man Todd Blumenflower, 45, decided to take advantage of tax free weekend and trade in his 16 inch monitor for a flat screen one. "It's so I can  carry my laptop into the bedroom and watch Netflix there. The computer is so old that the monitor is attached to that I have no idea if it works anymore." He gets 10 dollars towards a new monitor for paying the recycle charge of 10 dollars. So he does not have to carry it to the curb Monday for disposal.

"I'm really happy. I hate junk", the man stated as he got out of the car. However, there was a line to get into Best Buy. The staff at Best Buy came to look at it. It was the first tube monitor they had seen since May."This being a college town, students don't like to lug those around."