Saturday, July 27, 2013

Area Christians Pretend to Be Archeologists

Covington, KY -- A group of parents got together for their kids to attempt an archaeological excavation such as they heard about at a lecture Friday. Israeli scientists of the fundamentalist variety came to speak and raise funds for their work in the West Bank and  Karnei Shomron.

They have unearthed a rectangular structure, about 30 feet by 23 feet, with thick walls and a ramp leading up to a platform, the altar that the Bible says the prophet Joshua built on Mount Ebal. The Israelites had crossed into the promised land of Canaan and built the altar on instructions from Moses.

Normally the rich congregation would lead a field trip to such holy sites, but even the most fundamnental members of the group only go to the well guarded Christian sites in Jerusalem. Taking the children there would be out of the question. "It's a pity, as they could learn real science there, not this atheist evolutionist science they learn in college," said pastor Mark O'Connor.

Monday, July 22, 2013

London Doughnut Shop Ruins Donuts Due To Royal Baby

London -- Area doughnut vendors in a central location (withheld) were busy watching the telly in the backroom for coverage of Kate Middleton's baby when a customer walked in and spoke loudly, saying "smells burned here, girls!". It was Mr. Alexander, a regular who comes in for a plain coffee and one donut hole every day. It was at this point that they noticed the last batch of donuts for the day had baked to a crisp.

They simply put up a sign in the window, "Fresh donuts first thing tomorrow" and closed up shop. The manager stayed on to count the cash while the television coverage continued. The royal child had half of his life mapped out by commentators at this point.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Venetian Blinds Are..."Blinds" in Venice

Venice, Italy -- Visiting his ancestors' home for the first time, Robert Farduccio, Jr. and his wife Maggie had visited the main tourist sites when they came to Venice for a few days.

"We should have come by boat, Bob," remarked Maggie as she saw the huge cruise boats in the harbor. "We could have done all of Italy by ship, we would have had a nice room every night."

But Robert would not have any of that. He even had some contacts his grandparents had listed. When he showed up with a carton of American cigarettes, they managed to have a nice cup of coffee with Pietro. But no pastries of even a cookie.

"I asked about them blinds in the hotel room in Venice. They said they were not Venetian blinds. I may have confused them, as they started to talk about the blind people begging in the streets. But the blinds are just blinds. And get this, the Italian bread in the restaurant, what do you suppose that is? It came in the basket with the spaghetti and pizza. I could not eat any, there was so much to eat. But yeah, the Italian bread is...bread."

Saturday, July 13, 2013

They Just Don't Make Atlases Like They Used To

Muncie, IN -- Area atlas collector Jack Baldwin, 75, put on his trifocals and got out his big magnifying glass to show us his prized possession: a 1960 Reader's Digest World

Atlas. More than just maps, it has astronomy, charts, graphs, a view of the biosphere. But the maps are the thing.

"Every country and town is thoroughly indexed. The maps come within a mm of the binding, so there is a little white gap. That way no text is ever lost. In these new atlases I have to force the two page layout open with my fingers and look for Keminmaa in Finland or Wuhan in China." The scan we made attempts to show this, but came out a little out of focus.

Jack has memorized the countries and knows which ones changed. He does have a DK Atlas for this purpose. "I didn't like the font size in the National Geographic. Somehow the magazines have good maps but the books don't." When a country comes up in discussion that has not changed borders since 1960, Jack always goes for the old RD 1960 volume with the gold embossed globe on the cover. "The Goode atlas is good for the numbers and charts."

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Brits Getting Excercise On Escalator

London -- The British people seem to have taken exercise seriously. Most people know you can walk up an escalator, to get up even faster. But look closely!  They are going up the wrong escalator just to get even more exercise!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Kia Marketing Team Fired

Seoul, Korea -- In an attempt to capture movement across difficult terrain and survival skills, the team came up with the name Terrapin for a new SUV. It was also supposed to mimic Terrain, a GMC made SUV it will compete with.

"It sounds fine to Asians, even Japanese, who do not know English well enough to figure out what a Terrapin is. After all, they invented Donkey Kong which has no donkey," explained Kim Park Sun, 35.

However, the US marketing team rejected the name after the plastic nameplate after 10 000 plastic emblems  had been ordered and the first day of production had placed the plates on the rear hatch.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Al Would Have Wanted It This Way

Alton, IL -- The birding team of Bill, Stan, Ed and Limey decided to go ahead with the Big Day race for spotting the most birds.

Their friend Al Smith, the fifth member of the team is having his funeral today. They will still start at midnight and take a short nap at 7AM, bird till the 10 AM funeral and then continue at 11AM to midnight.

Al's scope will be in the Toyota van as well as his 8.5x42 Swarovskis. All four will take turns at using those binoculars.

"I'm sure we can get a red headed woodpecker at the cemetery, there is a creeck not far behind it," said Stan. They will therefore not take the binoculars off for the funeral. "Evelyn won't mind, she'll just have to explain to the relatives."