Sunday, June 30, 2013

Joe Walsh Keeping Chain Saw in Case The Whole Tour

Having toured for years and torn up many hotel rooms, Joe Walsh could not resist taking the old chain saw along for the Eagles US tour. It was in the back of the luggage trailer the whole time, but he could have carried the chain saw into the hotel lobby any time and demanded some room service. Walsh has been sober for some 20 years now, so the saw chain probably needs some service.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Crayons collected in Dallas

Dallas, TX-- After finding that several children in each school are red and green color blind, the school board made the bold move to remove all green and red crayons in grade schools in all the districts. "Children are not able to appreciate their color blind friends at this age. At Christmas time, red and green especially are overused in preference to other crayons," stated Cathy Connally, PR agent for Dallas schools.

Through middle schools and high schools, children are eased back into using red and green in art class again, but as little as possible.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Housekeepers Save Convention Bags

Seattle, WA--Cleaning up after a week long chemistry convention, housekeepers at UW dorms collected 35 shoulder bags from rooms.

"They are not very good ones and we can't sell them. But we'll ask if the boss will let us take them home,' said Linda Gonzales, 32.

They are stored in the first floor broom closet at Alder Hall. Help yourself if you need one.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Midsummer Festivities Full Under Way in Finland

Korppoo, Finland --With Thursday for preparations, Finns took off for Midsummer in the country and along the coast on Friday. Most will report sick to their employer on Monday to recover.

Numerous crews of coastal volunteers and coast guard will patrol the waters for people still in the boats. The drowned ones will be recovered through the weekend.

One fellow passed out after driving his boat 20 meters onto land. Last year he knocked the windshield off, killing his wife of that summer. He was bending down at the time and came through with a few scratches. The man is unable to swim, and is bound to fall in the sea one of these years.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Spielberg Criticizes Camera work in Own Dream

Los Angeles, CA -- Spending time at one of their several homes, Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw were discussing dreams one morning. Kate had dreams that involved Sawyer, Mikaela, Destry and her mother.

Steven then began with a little bit of plot. The dream involved a drifter coming to town, a single mother and a corner store. Spielberg himself had only a cameo role. But the dream was vivid. Ten minutes later he was still discussing camera angles, fades and editing, when Kate started to express boredom. Steven quickly summed up the dream and stated: "Funny, this dream had no soundtrack. It needed a little more drama."

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Libertarians Using Internet To Trash The Goverment

Internet - Blogging and posting on forums such as Free Republic*, area Libertarians continuously trash the government for snooping and for being nonproductive in most anything they put their hand upon. "Schools should be all privatized!" and "The Internet would have developed anyway."

With little in the way of technical skills beyond guns and installing gutters and the occasional water heater, members consistently deny any role for Al Gore and the Government in anything useful.


Father Gets Socks

Baltimore, MD -- Father of two high school age children Ed Miller, 45, received for his Father's Day coffee this morning several pairs of dress socks. In sales, he has to wear dress socks to work.

"Some years it's the socks, other years it is the tie. One year I was really surprised to get a set of grill tools."

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Not the day for Alice Bigelow

Knoxville, TN -- First the tooth chipped and she had the temporary repair in the afternoon. Then she stopped at Starbucks but had to have an Iced Skinny Mocha instead of the regular Mocha she has every day. And she had to suck it carefully to kind of one side.

Then she wanted to cheer herself up with something at Target. But the summer pants were at least a size or even two sizes too small. She wanted to wear them Friday when her daughter Minnie brings the grandkids Paxton and Luke over for the morning. Now she will just have to wear boring brown pants.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Obama Better Give Me My Recipe Back!

Oxford, MS -- Mrs Olive J., 85, is really mad. At coffee this morning with some friends, she discovered some federal agency (NSA) has been storing all our e-mails. She does not even have a regular internet connection, or a computer. But her youngest daughter Annie-Mae, 62, lives in Maine and got her an iPhone account and a data plan. This was so she could get pictures and video of her youngest great grand children. Then Annie-May needed the secret family rhubarb pie recipe again.

"It was a little difficult, but I had the recipe printed out in big letters. Then I had the neighbor boy take a picture of the recipe and send it through the phone e-mail. I know how to type small messages when they send me the baby pictures, but I probably just text them when they come. But I do have an e-mail address with Yahoo."

So that is how it happened, the NSA captured her rhubarb recipe and it is in their vaults forever. The NSA had trouble locating it when asked. But it is there.

"What's so special about your rhubarb pie?"

"I can't tell you, only my sister in law guessed it once. It has an additional fruit, not a common one. I'll make some tomorrow, you can come and taste it. Bring a can of Folgers regular, I'm out. And some powder creamer."

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Secret Wire Tapping To End

Washington, DC -- Working with the NSA, an agency that only indirectly reports to him, President Obama has come up with a compromise. Millions of Americans will no longer be secretly monitored for their phone use and the content of their e mails.

The solution was simple. There will be established a government website for current wire tap suspects. The site will not list terminated tapping events. You will log on to the website and enter your name. It will show if you are currently being monitored.

"I tried my best to work for you the people of America. There is only one hitch, which the NSA insisted upon. If you request this data, and you are not being monitored, you will then be monitored."

Stone Life Discovered in British Museum

London -- After the death of the last curator of trilobites, museum staff at the British Museum discovered a store house of thousands of these so called trilobites. And all the samples are made of stone! Inorganic life forms have been speculated on other planets, but this discovery apparently went by most biologists for 200 years.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Star Trek Actors Stuck Recycling Old Plots

Hollywood -- Having signed on as new fresh faces to play old Star Trek Characters,  Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto, as well as several others, are now demanding new writers. 

"We are aware of the fanaticism of Star Trek fans, and obviously we have to have plots that tie in to previously released adventures of the same crew. However, I am refusing to have anything to do with V'ger, for example," explained Pine.

That the characters are younger and more volatile is a given, and Kirk has to get into several first fights. However, Spock gets his share of fist fights this time. So the actors are completely happy with the characters and the relationships. As long as Spock gets all the same as Kirk this time.

"Yes, I hope we get some more women in the next movie", added Anton Yelchin.