Sunday, March 31, 2013

Couple sells all, but is left with tables

Gainesville, FL -- With Todd's new assistant professorship in Arizona starting in September, area couple Nancy and Todd Moskovitz had a tremendously successful sale of their student day furniture and other household goods. They plan to buy a small amount of items in Arizona, until it is clear if he gets tenure.

"Yes, we sold all, except the six folding tables and two benches I bought at Target. I planned the sale date and there were no tables to rent that weekend. We had books to sell for friends and all kinds of stuff. I spent three days with it and now the garage is completely empty, until I put the tables in there," explained Nancy.

Todd is not interested in putting more than one folding table in the U-Haul. They can use it for a kitchen table. But not the benches. He wants real Ikea chairs when they find an Ikea.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Couple Watches Inspector Morse Episode Three Times

Kansas City, MO -- Area couple Bill and Martha Collins are great mystery fans. They used to watch Midsomer Murders but ran out.

"This Morse series is so confusing. I think they are telling there were three brothers and the mystery brother came and did all the murders. Is that right, Bill?"

"No, Martha, it was the first murder victim, he was misidentified and the real guy that had that name went to hiding and did the murders, the gambler."

Christian Runners Burn Atheist Running Book

Birmingham, AL -- One of the members of an area running group is an avid collector of running books, he has pretty much all of them. He had a Barnes and Noble gift card to spend on line, so he bought a book called Why We Run. "Yeah, it's a title the publisher picked. The original had something about antelopes in the title," said Matt (29), the book collector.

The book describes the physiology of running from insects to mammals. Then it has the author's comments on his 100km (60 miles) running experiences, which he accomplished past the age of 50 and won a crucial race.

"There's just too much evolution in it. This is not MY Runner's Bible," said Matt. The group smuggled all of Mr Heinrich's evolution and behavior books out of the local library and burned them on the same occasion. They had a light beer each while standing by the grill. No hot dogs were grilled on the filthy trash.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Area Woman Makes It To Tattoo removal

Chicago, IL -- Having obtained a job as receptionist at a pet clinic, Christy Jones, 29, had made an appointment to finally remove the embarrassing tattoo on her arm. Some of the pet owners may even be vegetarians that bring in birds and hamsters. Plus she is tired of it herself. The trouble was that she had celebrated the job and got drunk Saturday. Sunday when it snowed she stayed in bed with a hangover.

Now she had to get to the tattoo appointment Monday. Jack had already left and only cleaned his car with the broom he has in his trunk. So she swept some snow off with her hand, but she had lost one of the gloves, so it was not very efficient. "If I just drive slow and don't brake much, I think I can make it."

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Wino Rejects Global Warming

San Diego, CA -- Area wino Bill Smith, 54, says he has slept outdoors in a sleeping bag or a shelter for the past twenty years. "I'm stuck here in the south. It just isn't going to be possible to hitch hike to Oregon and live through the winters anymore. I'm from Spokane and I might have a son still there." Rather than debate the science, Bill merely states that it isn't going to be of any use to him. Maybe the next generations of winos will get some benefit.

Interesting Bag Lunch

Buffalo, NY-- Insurance man makes bag lunch in hurry.

A group of Mutual Home insurance agents were scheduled for a full day
of training at a youth camp. The morning of the course they all
received phone calls to make a sack lunch, as the caterer was
seriously ill. Bradley Huffington III hastily prepared a lunch with
his kids, from available supplies. At the youth camp, he bought a
Pepsi from a vending machine, the last can apparently. Others were
stuck with Dr Pepper. He then opened his bag to find the peanut
butter, cheese and jelly sandwich prepared by Amy, age 11, as well as
a mini box of raisins and a ziplock bag with teddy grahams, nuts and
gummy worms, prepared by Scot, age 7. He was able to fish out the
gummy worms and trade them with Mitch Johnson for a banana. Mitch had
arrived with four bananas and an apple in his bag, all he could find
that morning.

Kari in Florida

The solo part of my FL adventure will be 4hrs. Almost an hour will be wasted at the beach. There are no interesting birds except the myna bird I found Mon. After 5 min of acclimatizing to 75F water there was the swimming. Waves over my head while I was waist deep. My life flashed by in 10 seconds, starting with swim school in the Gulf of Finland/Baltic. But I did not drown. Cops would have had to ID the lone cooler, sandals and homer simpson towel as mine. And find the Toyota matching the keys in the cooler. To find this phone and my wallet in the trunk. Kids got me the towel in Orlando a year ago.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Thousands of Visa cards Misused in Florida

Visa card call in center-- Shift supervisor Carol Lange was busy this week. Thousands of Americans failed to answer at their home phones in Iowa, Minnesota and even Montana, as their credit cards wrre being misused in gas stations, grocery stores, drug stores and amusement places. She had no alternative but to lock all those accounts until those card holders returned from their trips. They couldn't all have gone to Florida, could they?

Monday, March 18, 2013

K-Mart Full of Tourists

Marathon FL -- Area retiree Mike Koskinen, 68, had a few items in his basket. In his half hour in the store, he directed tourists from Michigan, Ontario and Missouri, plus a group of college boys who did not have time to talk, to the drugstore, RV repair, ice cream shop and hair cutters. All had converged on  the K Mart to solve their problems this Monday morning.

Now he is headed home to tell their stories to Madge, if she is in the mood. Sometimes she has to take her pills first, which he already got from the CVS pharmacy next door.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

25 Year Old Man Still Dreams of Being Drummer

York, PA -- Bill Bradford (25) of York, a factory worker, never gave
up his dream of getting into rock and roll big time. At 15 he learned
to play guitar, but wasn't as good as most his friends. He actually
played bass for two years with local friends under several band names
but mostly the same guys. They had occasional bookings. Then they all
left for college except Bill.

Bill leafed thru Free Press ads for bass players, but they always
wanted a singing bass player. Bill had no singing voice.

At 23 he taught himself drums, and trains in his divorced mother's
garage as often as he can. He thinks he is pretty good now. "I'll get
that big time chance any day now, then I can quit my job." He has
never given up hope and is wiling to take orders from "even that
17-year old that auditoned me last."

Friday, March 15, 2013

Family Happy To Stay in Boring Town 9 Years

Indianapolis, IN -- The Pleasant Meadow subdivision celebrated the
oldest family there at the recent block party. The Smith family
received the plaque and honor for living 9 years there. "Two of our
three children were even born while we lived here," said Carla Smith.
Hunters Meadow is a community popular with relocating families. They have an average stay of 3.5 years. The homes come in 4 floor plans. Several homes have been sold three times in their 9-year existence, some by the same real estate agent all three times.

Crayons collected in Dallas

Dallas, TX-- After finding that several children in each school are
red and green color blind, the school board made the bold move to
remove all green and red crayons in grade schools in all the
districts. "Children are not able to appreciate their color blind
friends at this age. At Christmas time, red and green especially are
overused in preference to other crayons," stated Cathy Connally, PR
agent for Dallas schools.

On special days, teachers will hand out one red crayon per child to draw the American Flag.

Through middle schools and high schools, children are eased back into
using red and green in art class again, but as little as possible.

Mom washes clean shirts after camping

Kirkwood, MO -- The scout camp out was hugely successful. There were pocket knives, squirrels, raccoons eating the bag of bagles and general horsing around. Finally the gear was wrapped up and placed on the tarp for loading to the trailer. The boys' back packs were in the cars and SUV's ready to go home.

Scott Tanenbaum, 12, had no idea which were the clean socks or underwear,but he was sure he did not wear the two plain t-shirts on a scout camping trip over the week end. Mom Kathy washed all the clothes found in Scott's day pack, and they smelled of smoke and generally "outdoorsy". Besides, they were in the same pack with a pair of soggy, muddy socks.
Scott had planned to wear the plain red one to school. He has a
complicated color scheme he follows through the week, depending on the
occasion. Gym day needs red and black.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Beethoven Fan Discards Romantics

Boise, ID -- Area music teacher and Beethoven fan Al Stewart, 38, was thinking of expanding his horizons a bit. He has listened to all symphonic music from the Beethoven era, Mendelssohn and followers. In other words the classical and early romantic era. He then realized the late romantic era had some composers too. He was told that Schumann and Mahler were cool. Even Brahms was enjoyable. But the cheap download of 100 Scumann hits did not get him excited. "I only have a 20 minute drive to work. I had time to listen to all of Schumann symphonies a bit this week, at least one movement of each symphony and samples of the rest. It did not do anything to me. The Mahler did not even fit on an 80 minute disc. I burned it as an mp3 to save discs, I had bought it for 99c at Amazon. I have nothing to show for a week's work.

Al rehearsed band players and did a bit of work backing a singer at the high school. On the way home he decided to go beyond the Richard Strausses and Tchaikovskis.

"I think I will have to look at Sibelius and then Stravinsky and some American composers of the 1900s."