Monday, December 26, 2016

Man Has All The Books He Needs

Rural Massachusetts --Finishing off the last Bill Bryson book about the UK (The Road to Little Dribbling: Adventures of an American in Britain)   Bill Pennington, 62, had to agree he has nearly all the things in life he is going to ever need. Some consumer stuff of course gets replaced every year. But the books, he has lots of those and does use some of the non fiction books from time to time,  The fiction is just collecting dust.

He has a plan to go through the fiction and see which were gifts and save about 200 of those. The rest of the books are all over the house and amount to several thousand hard cover books and a lesser amount of paper backs.

Each room has at least two walls of books. Then there are the CDs and LPs and even cassettes. In his basement there is a cassette room, with a few boom boxes for checking them. In the living room is a nice stereo with a turn table and a nice tape deck and a CD/SACD player.

The thing about books is, he used to buy them and read them all cover to cover and then shelve them, never to be read again.

The LPs are in a shed with humidity control. There are 20 000 or so. He estimated that by taking an inch tape measure and adding up the inches of LPs.

"I have not given up buying LPs. I'm dedicated to that culture. The songs I buy that are digital, I've managed to store them on large hard drives. I have a guy working part time putting the 8000 CDs on the hard drives. Then I will get rid of them."

He says he will still go to garage sales and look for odd things. "There is a Nancy Sinatra LP I have three copies of but I still need one in better shape." So it is more of a collecting hobby. All the LPs are in alphabetical order. "I have another guy organizing those. He is allowed to check out any, but he only plays black R&B records from the 50s on community radio."

The books seem to be different than the LPs in that Bill can just sample any records he buys as he gets home. He may even play a whole side. With a book, once he sits down with one, is a several hour commitment, as he never reads just part of one, even if he has read it before. Bill has some 100 books that are marked brightly that he comes back to over and over. They too are in the whole alphabetical library among the unwanted books.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Muslims Not Welcome: Statue of Liberty To Be A Christian Monument

Donald Trump has been looking at the Statue of Liberty from Trump Tower

What could be more American? Trump now wants to repeal the Antiquities Act

The statue is to be privatized and leased out to interested groups in 10 year cycles. Thinking back to all the immigrants of the 1800s and 1900s, Trump claims they were Christians. The statue never welcomed any Muslims. So there will be displays and builings set up on the small grounds to celebrate these brave Christian immigrants coming legally tot the new land.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Movie Goers Confused About Star Wars and Politics

Republican and Democratic voters have all been going to see the Star Wars movie in the theaters currently. Both groups identify with the Rebels, as they see themselves as the Underdog.

Republicans think liberals are atheists and maybe Catholics so they really can’t understand The Force, which is religion and God. They even want to kill babies which Obama (Darth Vader) has been pushing for four years and was on the verge of winning on, with his liberal Supreme Court justice.

Democrats on the other hand see Putin and Trump clearly as a world wide Empire of oil. This Empire is on a mission to generate as much CO2 as possible, melt Antarctica and raise sea levels over 70 meters. In addition, the Empire is there to cause havoc in the Middle East and send more refugees to Europe. The Empire only needs drones who work at McDonalds and Wal Mart. They reproduce fast, so they do not need health care or education beyond high school. The drones will eventually evolve into cybernetic organisms like the Borg (Liberals also follow Star Trek, Republicans stick to Star Wars). 

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Dad follows his own advice

Cincinnati, OH -- Area dad Bill Cannon, 45, found a note in his own hand on the cardboard holding the Christmas tree lights.

He immediately knew what to do. You have to unwind the two strings of lights. The one with the screw in lights may be 20 years old but still works. You just have to change burned bulbs. The other string is newer and more disposable.

The plugs work in one way of connecting and not the other.

The strings are a bit of a long bundle to twirl around the tree and also to plug to the lit star at the top. The star has never given any problems. Dad knows this stuff!

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

CBO to be replaced with Trump CPA Bernie?

Donald Trump has been annoyed at the piles of papers and so called facts that have been brought to him regarding healthcare and Obamacare. Many of these facts come from the Congressional Budget Office, which has been in place since Richard Nixon.

The department has numerous employees and a large budget as well. Donald thought we could save on all that by replacing it with his personal CPA, the guy who keeps Trump's taxes well hidden from the public.

Bernie has several points in his favor. Topmost is the fact that he does not present Trump with numbers, instead giving Trump a YES or NO answer to any fiscal decision.

The department may not be so easy to get rid of though, as it serves the Congress and the public, and is not under any cabinet secretary: The Speaker of the House of Representatives and the President pro tempore of the Senate jointly appoint the CBO Director, after considering recommendations from the two budget committees.

Therefore, Trump will be asking the CBO to filter all information to him through Bernie, who will in any case have a nice office in the building.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Netflix Fan Forgets Name of Show in Two Weeks

Pittsburg, PA - Sarah Olson, 28, can't remember the name of that show! You know the one with the two detectives and the local police station somewhere.  Like on an island, Sarah just had her work Christmas party and they had several conversations going about Netflix shows because everyone was tired of talking about Trump.

And the detectives, they were English, and they had a crush on the black detective, both of them did. You know the show? She can't find it, maybe she took it out of her List so it would not confuse her that she watched them all.

Sarah watched several seasons of it before returning to NCIS that she had watched a couple of seasons of before that.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Trump cuts all EPA regulation

With American companies hurting from regulation, president elect Trump named his favorite climate change denier to head the EPA. His mission will be to pretty much cut all regulation to manufacturers. Sure, we may still treat sewage from our toilets, but industrial waster is going straight to the sewer and land fill, if solid. With gases, Trump had no clue. However, one of his assistants then handed him a note. "Oh yes, if it is a gaseous waste, did I say that right?, then burn it." Burning sounded like fun to him and on the plus side, will add CO2.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Trump Commissions Statue of Himself

Washington -- Mr Trump had a few hours to spare on Monday and saw the first drafts of a statue of himself. It was OK, but he wanted one standing instead of sitting.

With the new plans of the statue under way, Trump went on to pay for landscaping himself. The statue will be placed at the far end of the Rose Garden, so that when Mr Trump stands at the steps to give a speech or announcement at the podium, he will be facing his own statue.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Names Suzanne Sommers Surgeon General

Suzanne Sommers, actress and natural healing expert was named Surgeon General by Trump

She is an accomplished author on health subjects.

Mr Trump gave serious consideration to Jenny McCarthy, a close second with nice boobs. She was to get rid of federal funds of autism causing vaccines. Third in running was Dr Mercola, but Mr Trump actually likes both nutrasweet and Splenda in his drinks. Mr Trump asks Suzanne to focus on getting a country wide ban on fluoridation of water. "They can get the fluoride in toothpaste if they want that. I will put in a school toothpaste program for those parents that want fluoride in their lives. The main point is that we wil now be able to choose fluoride rather than having the Government force it on us."

Monday, November 21, 2016

Trump Supporter Just Getting Started

Wyoming -- Area libertarian Bill Cummins, 45, has not voted for the past 20 years "cause the Republican presidential candidates are pussies", and he is happy with  all his local political leaders. But now that he got Trump elected, he hopes all the Republican candidates will be like Trump from now on. "In fact I know they will be, I'll make sure of that."

He is excited about all the programs Trump is going to delete. "Ill be voting till every abortion clinic, windmill, ballet company, bike path, National Park, wildlife refuge, food stamp program, museum (except Cowboy and gun museums run by private funds), national guard unit, park ranger program, US Fish and Wildlife outfit, prairie dog protection program, hunting restriction, gun law (other than the one banning registration of guns), DEA, EPA, and anything that comes to Wyoming that smells of "culture" is gone.

In addition, all coal mines closed in the last 20 years will have to be reopened.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Trump Joins Audubon Society

Donald Trump Loves City Birds!

And suburban birds! The ones around farms are OK too.

"I'm going to support all these birds born in the USA."  He pledged initially 30 000 dollars to support three species.10 000 dollars for each to form some suitable habitat. "And a few bird baths on my property,"

"I love red-tailed hawks in the city too. They eat the pigeons. The migratory birds from Mexico are coming to eat all the food from our birds. That is why I am supporting these three species. We will have to cancel that migratory bird treaty my son told me about. He goes shooting mourning doves."

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Trump: Ryan Hip Replacement Program to go Nationwide

Washington, DC -- Donald Trump has been looking at Medicare costs carefully. It seems old people get mostly cancer, knee replacements and hip replacements. For heart disease, they can have drugs, not surgery. The Paul Ryan Hip Replacement Plan of 2014 will now go national."It will bring Mexico some income and work once we return all the illegals," said trump. Back in 2014 we carried the story:

Ryan Hip Replacement Program

Madison, WI -- In a test of a new program that Paul Ryan will launch on national scale, a new hip and knee replacement program was launched for Wisconsin. Instead of expensive and painful hip and knee replacement operations, Grandma and Grandpa will now enroll into new programs. The Grandma Replacement Program will bring families a new Grandma who does not need surgery. The care of the old grandma will be outsourced to Mexico, where the old grandma will be taken care of in exchange for plentiful rice and beans and corn. The Grandpa situation is trickier. It will consist of national curmudgeon exchanges on the free market.

Trump to finish Coal Furnace project for White House

Washington -- The coal heating project started in 2008 with Cheney and Bush, Trump promises to bring not just the one but several coal furnaces on line to heat the entire White House.

Our original story from November of 2008:

Washington, DC-- President Bush, with a month left for major remodeling, decided to go with a plan by Dick Cheney and Senator McCain to convert the White House heating system to coal.

"We are doing this for security and energy independence reasons," noted Bush.

The three politicians will be helping remove the old heaters, using dangerous and flammable natural gas, along with five hired construction workers and heating specialist.

"Eventually, we can convert to radiators, but for now we will use coal to heat the private quarters of President Obama and all the water in the White House," explained Bush, reading from an index card. They found the plans at and immediately set to work without building permits. "The President does not need a building permit on White House grounds," explained Cheney.

Senator McCain has arranged for free coal from West Virginia for the next 50 years, with the White House only paying for transportation.

"President Obama can install his own solar panels if he wants to save on the hot water bill in spring and fall. We don't do any of that stuff, as we have unlimited coal in this country," added Cheney.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Trump Replaces EPA with Bill Henderson

Washington-- With the upcoming tax cuts and all the people whining about things like Medicare, trump decided to spare Medicare for two more years. But then, the EPA had to go to save on federal spending and reduce federal jobs by 50%. What better start than the EPA? The coal mines will be free to dump sludge anywhere.

Bill will be employed to survey the waters of the nation much further down stream. The fish kill should be more upstream so there is no need for a bacteriologist. Bill has all the theory of water safety memorized and could give a lecture at any time.

As equipment Bill will have a pH meter and a spare, as well a s pick up truck. It is doubtful he will get West of Kentucky as the job has a limited hotel budget. All the gas is paid as well as oil changes for the next four years. The truck is leased from Trump Leasing.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Trump Announces Medicare Overhaul

Washington, DC -- With the Obama era taxes soon gone, including payroll taxes directly supporting the program, the Autocrat has streamlined the services available.

"With drug store clinics available widely in many states including Florida, we have signed for them to take care of our seniors."

"We can't give you free care anymore, but after you pay your 50% at the convenient desk, the government will pay the rest without any paperwork. Hospital care is now outside Medicare and you will have to buy insurance."

Friday, November 4, 2016

Apostrophe Pete Funeral

Cincinnati OH -- Area postal worker and weekend sign painter Peter McIntosh, 64, died just after retiring from the postal service.

Pete was loved by neighbors and often made quick signs while customers waited. He made professional signs as well. He always put apostrophes in both plurals and possessives. "The people might miss them so I put them in," he always explained.

He would often not charge a fee, just point to the tip jar. The money all went to take care of "injured animal's at the shelter's" as he explained. His last dog died, but a sign remains at the apartment complex where he lived. The funeral will be Tuesday at the the Trump funeral home.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Traffic circle now paved

Germany-- Area traffic circle, formerly with some bushes and other plants, is now paved. The mayor is not paying for upkeep of any more traffic circles. "Let them go pick flowers in our lovely country side."

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Presidential Debate to Take Place With No Mention of Penis and Vagina

Despite the fact that only one candidate has a penis and one a vagina, these topics had not come up in the first political debate between Trump and Clinton.

With recent accusations on both sides, these topics will no doubt be discussed. Both staffs are preparing material for the candidates to introduce in the debate that would hurt the moral character and image of the opponent without mentioning penis or vagina, not even with some sort of softer term replacing the naughty bits. Not even "genitalia" will be mentioned, even though the audience will clearly figure out the naughty acts behind the accusations.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

New Girlfriend Makes Jason Watch Same Netflix as Old Girlfriend

Columbus, OH -- Area bachelor Jason, 28, is watching the same Netflix shows he had just finished watching with the old friend Jessica in the spring.

Pam is making him watch "crime shows, zombie shows, super heroes, sitcoms" every night. Unfortunately for Jason, he had finished most of them to the last episode available. For a week, all the shows have been reruns for Jason.

Pam's parents had watched West Wing, and Jason thought they could watch some of those. They are starting on that tomorrow. Pam's dad is cool guy, Jason hopes this one works out, "But you never know with chics." Pam has a cat Jason is now getting used to.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Trump Buys Mexico

In a surprise move during his meeting with President Enrique Peña Nieto, Trump ended up buying Mexico. At first he had offered to buy just the hotels in the Yucatan peninsula as well as Cancun airport. However, with 5 billion dollars of his own money and about 250 investors, Trump was able to buy all of Mexico. A female Mariachi band was brought in to celebrate the signing.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Trump Voters Profiled

Trump voters leave dog poop and beer cans!

In a nationwide study, 100% of Trump voters leave dog poop on streets and trails. Democrats were found to sonetimes leave beer cans where they partied or fished during the weekend (20%). Trump voters (100%) leave the cans as a rule. "It gives somebody a job with the city, right? My tax dollars at work" noted Tom, 28, from Idaho.

In a related study, students on University of Wisconsin (Madison) and Colorado campuses (political science senior projects) took up an unusual study. They went to area bars and surveyed bar patrons for voting plans and then followed their toilet habits. Yes, some stalking was required and inspection of stalls.

 It was found that Trump voters were not the worst violators. Those voting for Libertarian Gary Johnson accounted for 55% of non-flushers and the remaining 45% were Trump supporters.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Area Man No Longer "Fixing" Stuff on Internet

Corvallis, OR- Area man Bill Whitlock, 38, is no longer fixing things on the Internet. Not facts, numbers, data, politics, history, anything.

"I used to complain to Amazon about faulty item descriptions. I would contact the independent sellers, after that. Neither could do anything. Binoculars with an 8x42 size would add inches after it. It's got nothing to do with inches. The 42 is in mm and the 8 is just the magnification. But shit, if the people found the item, and have no clue, or are too lazy to Google it to see the real data, from the maker of this product, or other sources, I don't give a fuck anymore."

With that, Bill left the apartment with his dog and left us to type up this bit of mundane life in this century where 500 channels on cable show you complete crap.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Area Vultures Relaxing, Send Out Scout

Nebraska -- On one of the many reservoirs in Nebraska, vultures were all perched on the device that handles water levels at the dam. One was sent out to seek food. "If it's a bunny, just eat it, but a cat might feed two or three."

The rest took in the sun on this Thursday morning. All nesting is finished now.

Finnish Waiter Forced To Serve Customer

Helsinki -- Area waiter Erkki was doing his job arranging tables and getting things a little in order after the lunch crowd had left. Then some tourist walked in around 2PM and wanted a window table. it's somewhere behind the round structure at the end.

Erkki seated the middle aged man speaking American English, but probably from Germany. He brought some silverware and a napkin from a nearby table and then left. It was time for Erkki's break. Erkki spent 20 minutes in the street for a smoke. Minna was still inside as well as the cook staff.

Erkki hung his windbreaker on a hook and looked at the stock market on his cell phone. He had some income stashed away from his previous job as a journalist. Then he looked at Trump's last tweets. There were some sport scores coming in as well.

After going to the rest room and washing his hands with care, Erkki returned to see what the customer might want. The customer was standing around the terrace with his things at the table."I'm ready to take your order now, sir," offered Erkki cheerfully.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Trump Staff Stumped

Looking for the problem this week, going into Trump's last three three months of campaigning, the staff was unable to explain what happened. Looking for a culprit, only Trump was found.

Comments at the last staff meeting, without Trump present.

- Now that we have him reading the teleprompter, he seems to have lost the last bit of charisma that he had for the followers.

- Can we kind of schedule some slots in there where it just says IMPROVISE and a topic or word to go on?

- He kind of sounds like George Bush, but a few Believe me's added.

-Here's the stuff that worked:
"Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?"

"I’ve been treated very unfairly by this judge. Now, this judge is of Mexican heritage. I'm building a wall, OK? I'm building a wall." 

"We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated."

"We're gonna bring businesses back. We're gonna have businesses that used to be in New Hampshire, that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire, and you can tell them to go f**k themselves. Because they let you down, and they left!" 

-What about New Hampshire? Can we work on that? Can we just buy that state?

-Can we do something with pick up trucks?

Can we spin some more of these Sarah Palin stream of conscience things? Like:

“The LGBT community, the gay community, the lesbian community — they are so much in favor of what I’ve been saying over the last three or four days. Ask the gays what they think and what they do, in, not only Saudi Arabia, but many of these countries, and then you tell me — who’s your friend, Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton?" 

-what have you got, Bob?
-I got...nothing. Florida?

-Any wild ideas? Anything!

-Gene Simmons to introduce him at every stop, in full KISS outfit. I hear he has small hands, he might do it. Or Ted Nugent, if Gene turns us down.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Area Dickcissel Eating Bugs Without Identification First

Saunders Co NE -- An area dickcissel born this summer is munching on plant matter and insects just to fill his stomach. His parents, particularly his dad, identified every dragonfly by its Latin name before feeding it to the kids. Now the youngster just does not bother. He ate some kind of "locust" just minutes ago.

Can you give it some thought? What color was it?
Bird: Yellow.

And you've eaten those before.
Bird: Yup.

Maybe it was in the Chortophaga family?
Bird: Sounds familiar.

Like this?

Chortophaga fasciata maybe? They grow in Nebraska.

Bird: Could be. Nice talking to you. I gotta go. Dragonflies.

We did not think they catch dragonflies, more of a seed eater sparrow type of bird. We think he's after more locusts. The slow ones.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

God Not Aware He Made Our Solar System

At a Galactic Review Conference God was confronted about the solar
system he once created and a planet Earth, with bipedal tailless
primates running the show. "They are? That is unfortunate", replied
God. He stated he does not remember the details of creating this
solar system, and that he usually "leaves those things to evolve life
on their own," if such a thing happens.

"I haven't been creating solar systems for a long time. Intelligent beings like you kept suing me in Galactic Court. You know, they say they did not ask me to create their solar system or them."

"It does have a moon, this planet of yours?" he added thoughtfully. We
replied that it did. "They usually do..." he stated and wandered off,
robes dragging in the dust.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

300 pounds of sand in two weeks

Platte River NE -- Social science majors working with Nebraska conservation groups have made a study of summer camp participants and their sand tracking activities. The kids bring in an average amount of three pounds of sand in their shoes into the common buildings in their two week stay at camp Tiki Taki.

With about 100 kids at camp, the kids will bring in about 300 pounds of Nebraska soil and sand into cabins. Cleaners hired by the camp vacuum and sweep all the buildings and dispose of all the trash. Candy wrappers and other human trash contaminate the sand. Sifting operations will be put in to conserve sand and reduce trail maintenance costs.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

What Happened To Your Nice Shirt?

I can't find either one of these shirts in the closet. I got these for you just a year ago and one was supposed to be for summer events and then you started golfing in them.

I'm going to send you a text since you are still at the golf course. How can you spend all those hours there? You spend twice as much there including all weekend since you retired.

If you don't respond in two minutes, I am going to Penney's to get you two nice shirts. Light blue or even burgundy and you are going to wear it. Not like when Justin married Cathy and we got to Seattle and got rained on and you wore your only good shirt for the trip and you had to borrow one from Cathy's dad. It's just Lisa's graduation in Denver this time and there is nobody there to lend you shirts. We'll sleep in Lisa's apartment and she will take the couch for the two nights.

And what about your shoes? I'm going to have to look at those and polish them a bit. You are not wearing the running shoes you drive with even if they are black and look somewhat decent. You are going to wear leather shoes this time.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Trend setting teens: smoking and babies

Seward, NE -- This is the new world! These are the Trump voter youth.

Sheila Knox, 18, is expecting her baby in September. She graduates high school this month and is moving in with boyfriend Billy, 18, at that time. Billy works at the Sinclair station and has taken up smoking. "It's my gap year," says Sheila. She is going to community college or beauty college after a year and when the baby is one year old.

Sandra, 18, gave up smoking during the pregnancy, but is smoking a half a pack again while taking care of Mary. "I don't smoke with her in the room and rarely with the car window down and my cigarette outside."

Sandra is working on getting Larry to agree to a wedding date. Larry is excited about the election. "I'm voting for Trump. He'll start a small war. I'll enlist and get some benefits out of that." Larry is the exception in the group of six friends all related to Sheila in some way. He does not smoke. Larry drinks some Bud Light and drives the beer delivery truck.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Oregon Politician Not Able to say the G-word

Washington, DC -- A libertarian politician from Oregon likes to hang out in bars after work and is often asked what he is doing in Washington from Oregon. "I'm a lobbyist" is his standard answer.

The problem with Peter Longmire is that he hates government. He does not like any government, but he thinks the federal crooks are the worst. But here is the problem. Just like the crooks, he gets a paycheck from the government.

"I'm not here to pass any new laws. Not any laws that might be signed by Obama. I'm here to make sure no more federal restrictions are placed on individuals. I'm a lifetime NRA member."

When conversation at the bar gets to his favorite subjects, he hints that he might be able to "do something." They ask "like what?" He then asks them to name something specific.

As the evening moves along and the plans get crazier and crazier, he might let is slip that he is out there in "congress." He might be in Government, but certainly not working FOR the Federal Government. "I work for the people back home. We want the government out of there with the wild life refuge land. We can take care of a few birds and critters." Turning to his bar crowd he says: we'll shoot them!

Since he works for his voters in Oregon and gets a federal paycheck, he says he is not really taking anything away from Oregon. In fact he saves a lot of his salary and invests it back home.