Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Classic Rock Tracks Exclusive and Inclusive, Depending

Audio-trackatron has been monitoring oldies radio stations and had to finally add a new song to the world wide list for English speaking countries. A Blue Oyster Cult song will soon be named. 

This was due to one being removed.  "A song from 1975 that we can't name, for legal reasons, was removed from the list. It has been popular for 20 years but was no longer needed. Nobody hates it, but a gentleman from Melbourne, Australia was the only one who called in to his station when we pulled it out last time. He has now passed away." The song is apparently in the Southern Rock genre. We have a picture of Jim enjoying Lynyrd Skynyrd a year ago.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Area Birder Counts Same Geese Five Times

Cleveland, OH -- As part of a national Christmas Bird Count effort sponsored by Audubon, birder Jonathan Smith, 25 went to a nearby state park with ponds and trails.

He counted 17 birds at the North end of heron wetlands. They all flew away as he walked the shore counting other birds. Then he counted 17 birds at the South end. They also flew off. 

Jonathan had a bike with him to take him to the other three ponds not shown on the map. There were 17 Canada geese and on one snow goose eating grass near the first of these ponds. They went to the pond for safety. Jonathan covered woodlands for half an hour and returned to the bike, finding all the last geese gone. As he went back to the car by bike, two more ponds with 17 geese were found. One set had the snow goose with them. He did not count that again. Grand total: 85 Canada geese and one snow goose.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Tire Dealership Wishes You A Merry Christmas

Salem, MA -- The proprietors and mechanics of The Plaza Tire Service wish you a Merry Christmas from their hearts. This sincere wish was signed by Jim, Bart, Ray and Paul who hung up their

stockings in the waiting room. Hot chocolate with marshmallows and Folgers coffee is available all day every day. No purchase necessary.

Ray and Paul are bachelors who will spend their Christmas alone as usual. But they will cheerfully change your tire on Saturday the 26th.  

Friday, December 11, 2015

Philosophy Students Hold Hostages and Seek Meaning

Athens, GA -- Coming to an existential crisis after the chapter on ontology, three philosophy students (the leader identified as Michael Moore, 19) are holding a cashier and two supermarket managers hostage. Their demands are that William Lane Craig come and explain it to them before they release the hostages.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Engineer Reprimanded for Not Enough Plastic Parts

Honk Kong -- Area Engineer Marshall Wang, 35, was called to his superior's office at a local manufacturing firm. The company designs equipment for yard work such as leaf blowers in nearby China. The new area of products they will enter is garage door openers.

"Marshall, you have made this product too strong! This will last up to 20 years, You must put in some more plastic parts. Also, the axle can be aluminum, not steel. Sure, some units will fail in 5 years but I have the axles in stock already, so use those." He was also told to replace this rolling wheel at the one end of the chain and cable apparatus with a plastic wheel:

Mr Wang will work through the weekend revising the design, changing the specs and sourcing the parts. If it is not all fixed up by Mon 8AM, "do not bother showing up to work. You can collect your things later."  He will not get any pay for these hours as he is salaried, not hourly.