Government can't do anything right! Trump wants water!

Putting aside for a moment the fact that Mr Trump is the government, the president has been frustrated by "all kinds of professors" commenting on his ideas to fight California fires. Trump had almost given up on California. "Let Jerry Brown figure it out" was his first thought. California did not voter for him after all.

But then Trump remembered his Mar-a-Lago grounds manager and called him up. Trump knows grass and golf courses! "It turns out, Mike says, that you could hook up garden hoses for up to a mile. And he has some trash pumps that pump out flooded water from ditches. They run on gas."

Trump will be headed to California to hand out garden hoses to the population. Air Force 1 was loaded full, and Trump volunteers have loaded pick up trucks full of hoses at Home Depot stores. Trump only has to call the stores and approve the sales on the Government Visa card he has on hand for these type of occasions.

The citizens will be armed with hoses and pump for whenever the fire comes near. Just like you need guns to protect you from bad hombres (the cops never get there on time), so too will they all have hoses ready to wet the ground on a wide circle around their properties.

And the hoses, they will not look like the mess in your back yard:

Mr Trump has picked the professional models which can be connected as easily as the tangled ones but much faster:

At the end of the fire season Mr Trump will fly successful property owners to the White House for a citizen fire fighter award presentation. To qualify, you must successfully protect your own home and one other neighboring home.

When asked about his previous effort to offer disaster relief in Puerto Rico

Mr Trump responded with "no more questions, thank you. God bless!" and left the room.